Somebody

I’m standing prone on the edge of somebody. Wondering what will happen if I take that step. Wondering if the earth will open up beneath me to swallow me up. Standing still... change is my enemy. Worrying continuously about my surroundings. About hurting someone, not being liked, being too normal... boring.
I don’t think failure is what scares me. I know all about that. Maybe it’s losing my last open door. Every time I fail another door opens, and what if one doesn’t this time. What if I become a somebody and I’m still not happy? What if all the work is for nothing? What if I’m not as smart as everyone seems to think I am? What if there is no somebody, just the same confusion, indecision, emptiness... in a different setting?
You can’t run away from yourself.
What if I grow up? What if this is grown up, and there are no answers?
Maybe that’s what scares me. That I am the smart one, and I know nothing.

(Note: This is extremely personal to me, all feedback will of course be appreciated. It's more of a ramble than a poem, but hey the site doesn't have an area marked ramble *smile*)