- Erotic Poetry
- Stay
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Click herelet my short
pale dark hair
attempt
to tangle itself
between your
callused fingertips
my soft deep
rose nipples
harden
clasped tight between
your pearl white
rough, gentle teeth
my soft body
trembles
beneath yours
with still growing
lust
i didn't think
i could want you
more
but i can
now and always
why
can't i just say
the world
saturating
my gasps and cries
of tormented pleasure
- COMMENTS
TheRainManover 18 years agoMy suggestions would be repetitive with Jim's. The poem is adjective-heavy, and eliminating the unnecessay ones would greatly heighten the power of the language.
Did you mean 'word' instead of 'world' in the last strophe?
LeBrozover 18 years agoWelcome to Lit
With a damn fine write;
Jim tendered some insightful suggestions,
Too many modifiers bog this down
Though I'd keep rough gentle teeth ~
Just a matter of personal taste.
jthserraover 18 years agobut I think you have overmodified in some areas. For instance:
"let my short
pale dark hair"
I think you have too much for the hair, the pale/dark seems ambiguious, if you want the ambiguity, then you might consider dropping the short:
"let my pale
dark hair"
breaking the pale and dark by a line break will emphasize the ambiguity in the hair, and short is not a real strong modifier (how short is short?)
You use "soft" leading the next two stanzas... I think if you drop the soft in both instances the poem will also be stronger:
"my soft deep
rose nipples
harden"
(soft, deep, rose is simply too much, without the soft it works better I think)
"my deep
rose nipples
harden"
"clasped tight between
your pearl white
rough, gentle teeth"
Here you are overmodifying teeth with (pearl white, rough, gentle teeth)
Again, if you want to maintain the ambiguity between rough, and gentle, I think if you kept those, or kept the pearl (meaning smooth) and dropped gentle. Consider:
"clasped between
your pearl white
rough teeth."
That maintains the ambiguity, without simply flooding teeth with modifiers.
"my soft body
trembles
beneath yours"
Here I think you could drop the soft. Soft, while accurate is often overused in erotica (ie: hard, erect for men, soft for women) If you drop it:
"my body
trembles
beneath yours"
Frankly, for me, the soft is simply there, basically implied rather than actually there. Without soft, the trembling body is emphasized, the trembling increases.
Consider my recommendations above... the original poem has a strength, rhythm and is very erotic, I think trimming it as I mention above will enhance these feeling, making the poem really shine.
Either way, well done.
