Stop it!

Stop it!
I don't want to do it anymore.
I hate the way I feel.
The lying.
The conniving.
Ignoring what is really going on.
Covering up.
Doing what needs to be done
Just to be able to do something else.

Leading two lives.
Trying to make everyone happy.
What about me????
Do I really count anymore?
I'm not sure I do.
Everything is done for someone else.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
So I give in.
I give in on all sides.
Until it feels like it's all going to cave in on me.

Then what will I do?
Will I be able to dig my way out?
Or will I be buried so deep I can't get out again?
I don't know how to manage it all.
How to keep everything evened out.
Is it possible to carry on this way?

Two lives.
Separate allegiances.
Love and hate and happy and disgusted.
How can they all be together within me?
How do I sort through them all?
The crazy thing is...
They don't stay on the same side always.
If they did, it might be easier.
It's when they switch sides that upset me.
How can I handle love at one time,
Then hate in another?

Then there is the realization.
It's not "them" that these feelings are for.
I'm the one they are directed at.
And that's scary.
What if the hate and disgust take over?
If they settle in for very long,
What will happen to me?

It doesn't really matter what they think.
I have to be able to deal with it.
I'm the only one that matters.
And that's not what I've let count.
I worry about what "they" think.
What am I doing to "them"?
It I don't carry through with things...
Will it hurt them too much?
But again...

What about me???
What if I don't want to do it anymore?
Does it make sense to continue?
Do I go on just for them?
Ignoring my own feelings?
Then I'm back to that hole again.

I want to be happy again.
I want to feel good about myself again.
I don't want to wake up and face another conniving day again.
I want to do what I want to do.
And not feel like I've let someone down.
I want others to see me smile
And that smile be real.
I don't want to hide anymore.
I don't want to hate myself anymore.
I'm just not sure how to do it.
Help me.
Please!!!!!