Surrender Comes in So Many Guises

Surrender comes in so many guises.

The awkward acquiescence of an instance
the gradual devolution of a will
the sudden realization of accepted subservience...
the subtle release of a desire.

I agonize over surrender every time we speak. I struggle with my knowledge of ME and of my repulsion at the inkling of that weakness in me.

I know it’s deeply buried under a lifetime of strength
on
demand
and
ferocity
in the face of adversity. Both traits well used and firmly entrenched in my psyche.

You seem to be convinced that I have a “Good little sub” buried in me, looking for you to rescue her.
I have tried to see it from your perspective, tried to obey…just to see how it felt
and it always feels contrived
and wrong.

Every time I "beg" I am laughing.
Every time I "obey", I do so knowing that I have you again...
fooled into thinking that you are in control.

I don’t want to top you
I don’t want to be your good little sub
I just want.

So, darlin’.
I surrender.
I surrender to your attempts to seduce me into submission
I surrender to my false hopes that I am more than I am
I surrender to the sense that we will never be intimate
I simply surrender.

Surrender with which , comes a distinct sense of freedom. Relief and acceptance that all will be replaced by less than what exists now.

But more than I was able to embrace yesterday.