Swallows

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demure101
demure101
212 Followers

Don't I remember? Yes, I do; but that
was only last year. There won't be a string
of thoughts by which to know this one. I did
not see the swallows fly, although they must

have lighted on the wire, one day in spring,
and paused a while, and found their wonted eaves
to build and nest and stay the summer, nor
did I observe them swooping down before

approaching rain to catch the frightened flies
in mouthfuls for their nestlings. In the grim
grey curtains they would stay behind and when
the sun was out they'd soar away like dreams

not yet deceived. Still, in my mind I stand
and watch their flight take off and head down south
reflected in the lake and hear their shrill
goodbyes until they fade beyond the hill.

demure101
demure101
212 Followers
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ishtatishtatover 11 years ago
Edit?

This feels to me as though it might benefit from an edit. For example do you need any of the first three lines before "I Did" - "wonted" is accurate but is its archaism distracting? - I dunno. You might consider a comma after "rain." - Two syllable "nestlings" breaks up the musicality just a tad. One syllable, young, or something like that possibly? - Drop "away"? and "beyond the hill" perhaps. A 4.5 so I'll go slightly higher

On the other hand, you can ignore my meanderings.

Ashesh9Ashesh9over 11 years ago
you word-paint like the Maestro ....

that you are !!!

tazz317tazz317over 11 years ago
CAPRISTANO AWAITS FOR THEM TO RETURN

and for those who remember the migrations ..TK U MLJ LV NV

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