- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Taken
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The air is a heavy pause between us
and I can feel your eyes searching for the ones I hide.
Frozen by an emotion I cannot name,
taken by the tide.
The light is a flickering reminder
of what I cannot see, of what in the shadows bide.
Taken by the words you do not speak,
the words that have not lied.
Your lightest touch ever seeks an answer.
Shall I now, my deepest self confide?
I am trusting in the arms that hold me,
the ones that keep me at your side.
- COMMENTS
Cleardaynowover 10 years agoAgain, you create an engaging persona. The thought process and images are arresting and of high quality. It is a poem I enjoyed reading and wanted to read again and again.
What I think spoils it is that, in trying to get rhymes for 'tide', it becomes awkward and forced. In each case, it is those lines that jar. Thus:
- 'the ones' I hide is very slightly awkward both in clarity & sound
- 'bide' is the only archaic word in the poem (apart from 'bide one's time' I do not think I have ever heard anyone use it in conversation in over 60 years). All the other words are common parlance. I get the strong impression you wanted to use 'hide' but decided you had already used that and rummaged round for an alternative. This is the weakest line as a consequence.
- 'keep me at your side' while the sense is great, the flow stumbles and it is not a dramatic or 'shock' ending that can carry that.
I think 'Frozen by an emotion I cannot name, taken by the tide.' is an outstanding pair of lines.
Although the repetitive rhyme does give cadence, I think you would have done better to have varied the rhyme.
All just my opinion and I make no claim that I can write poetry as well or better than yourself.
