temptress

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79 words
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Deep shadows like obsidian flakes,
one kiss, one taste is all it takes.
Tempted and temptress combined in the one,
she'll make your heart sing, shell make your heart cum.
Come to her, need her want her some more,
she is the lover, the mother, the angel and whore.
She breathes and bereaves her loss of control,
angels and demons fight for her soul.
Tasting delight she swims to the light
surrenders to passion, gives up the fight.

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pearlbaptistpearlbaptistabout 13 years agoAuthor

Thankyou for your helpful suggestions. What I am unsure of is to whether it is best to follow the rules of poetry, of to break them. As in the composition of music it is the discordant note, the changing rhythm that adds interest to a song. Would this also be the same with prose?

UnderYourSpellUnderYourSpellabout 13 years ago
~

your meter is out on line 6 and should be *she'll* line 4

GuiltyPleasureGuiltyPleasureabout 13 years ago
Nice....

...emotion and rhyme but your rhythm is out of kilter. Try tapping out the syllables as you read your poem aloud then prune the lines to fit the rhythm.

Tess

tigerjentigerjenabout 13 years ago

Raw....sensuous.....very well done! I look forward to more poetry from you.... :)

MyZenTrailMyZenTrailabout 13 years ago
passion

your words were painted with passion (~.-)