Tender is the Night

I have these fantasies that right under my skin
the greatest ruse the biggest shame lurks with
me unaware of how to fix it or redeem myself is
it time to return home with its chaos and blood
or should I stay and ride the crisscrossed wave
of this life without knowing if I was the fool
not the Queen of Spades the entire time?
I somehow woke from my stocism to reveal
nothing but trembling mush. I've just
recently been released. I'm a baby. Soft spot
and cord blood.