- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Tenement Window...
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You leave me
everyday
with a promise
of tomorrows
and yet
the yesterdays remain...
I love you
for what you are -
for the dreams
for the wishes
for single smiles
for each moment
you leave within.
I taste the tears
still
feel the tightness
the pain of breathing
the walls so close
the endless seconds of every minute
passing...
Whispers float
so softly by...
I can almost
hear
almost
reach out
almost
touch
almost
want to...
Chris Twyford
Ancient117331
09/09/2004
- COMMENTS
tarablackwood22over 19 years ago....with the statements below. This piece has great possibilities, and places all over where a few images could enrich it greatly. I, too, would remove the ellipses.
normal jeanover 19 years agowould be a little bit better if you did away with the ellipses, just a suggestion, it just makes it seem like you arent certyain about your words. otherwise a very good poem :)
Tathagataover 19 years agothe idea and the structure in this piece alot
It has some great possibilities.
this verse:
I love you
for what you are -
for the dreams
for the wishes
for single smiles
for each moment
you leave within.
maybe trim it a bit...i know the feeling you are trying to achieve
how does this read to you:
I love you
for what you are -
the dreams
wishes ,and single smiles
for each moment
you leave within.
just a thought.
keep this aside and write it again in 3 months and see how it looks
