The Batchelor's Hand

THE BATCHELOR'S HAND

by The DurtGurl Group

Mister, there ain't nuthin' in this whole land,
As sad as livin' with a batchelor's hand,
But I ain't ashamed, it's part of my life,
My right hand an' me live as man and wife.

Men around here'd rather jump in the lake,
Than so much as give my hand a shake,
Folks poke fun, always pissin' and moanin,'
Sayin' "There goes that pore disciple of Onan."

Got expelled from school, crossed off their list,
Caught me in the boys' room makin' love to my fist,
My left hand's weak, I must confess,
But the right's got muscles like Arnold S.

Last night was great, it felt like true love,
When I choked the gopher with a velvet glove,
But another thing I tried weren't worth a shit,
It jist ain't no good wearin' a catcher's mitt.

Sometimes I beat my meat when I'm feelin' down,
Shore beats takin' the skin boat to tuna town,
I'd like to have some pussy, often I wish,
But at least my hand don't smell like fish.

When I take a girl out she usually rubs me raw,
Then I know my best friend is my right paw.
Oughta get me a girl, I know I'm a sinner,
But I don't haveta take my hand out to dinner,

My hand don't fuss, or snarl, or frown,
It don't care if I put the toilet seat down,
I got no mother in law who gits pissed,
It's jist me an' my faithful right fist.

One thing's great, but I hate to brag,
My right hand never gets on the rag,
It's always been there, willin' and ready,
Since junior high when we started goin' steady.

I save on chocolates, I save on flowers,
I don't tax my conversational powers,
I don't need to lie, I tell it like it is,
My hand never sez no when I need to shoot jizz.

When I'm bashing the bishop, my one-eyed friend,
I'll see what I'm doing right through to the end,
And whether I'm sober, or whether I'm pissed,
I'm ready and willing to work with the wrist.

In the cool of the night, 'neath the moon up above,
I converse in the one-handed language of love,
Don't need fancy women or expensive fast cars,
With my piss tool in hand I can shoot fer the stars.

There's one variation that makes me quiver,
When wrap my dick in a slab of raw liver,
Feels just like pussy, like my ol' girl Lucy,
Soft an' warm an' bloody an' juicy.

Sometimes when I want it extra keen,
I open me up a jar of vaseline,
I spread it on my dick, I rub in on my belly,
It's amazin' stuff that petroleum jelly.

Vaseline, Crisco, ChapStik, or PAM,
I tried 'em all, onanist that I am,
But I'ma gonna give ya some good advice, bub,
Don't never ever use Vicks VapoRub.

So I don't miss girls, I don't have fits,
I bend my fingers under, the knuckles look like tits,
Or when I'm feeling really debonaire,
I whip my willie with my pinky in the air.

But there was trouble the other night,
My hand and me got into a fight,
"You like Lefty better! I'm going to leave!"
"Lefty who?" I asked and hid him up my sleeve

"Don't lie to me or you'll regret it!
And if you're thinking about a threesome, just forget it!"
But we made up 'cause we're so well-matched.
My hands and I, we're really attached.

I know their thoughts their dreams and plans,
I know these guys like the back of my... hands,
They never bitch, they never scold,
Worse thing happens is sometimes they're cold.

Sometimes fer a change I put on mittens,
Makes my hands soft and warm like a basket of kittens,
Now I'd hate to have word git out on the street,
But I have a weekly manicure as a special treat.

I got no bad habits like drinkin' or smokin,'
But I surely do love a little chicken chokin'.
Sometimes when I'm feelin' depressed and bereft,
I cheer myself up by switchin' hands to the left,

I don't get girls pregnant with my jizzim,
Cause I'm a practitioner of Onanism,
Now, don't get me wrong, I ain't one of them fags,
I like my hand better'n girls because it never nags.

Folks think I'm stupid, they call me dumb,
'Cause I abuse myself with fingers and thumb,
Well, at least I sleep with my mind at ease,
I ain't never gonna catch a social disease.

My hand's real strong with a big ol' callous,
From runnin' it up and down my phallus,
I'd rather not go out and dance to a band,
I prefer to stay home alone with my batchelor's hand.

Special thanks to Gabriel Lee and Dr Nabeuse