The Diet

Last month in the land of Neverwhere,
Where fairies and nymphs still roam the air,
Romeo wondered what Julie ate,
That had made her body so inflate,
And soon was reprimanding himself,
For leaving that cream-tart on the shelf,
He had bought it at a 'halfprice' sale,
At Zellers where we begin our tale,
The largest grocers in fairyland,
Which sold food, clothes, and things second hand.
Because, at Zellers, you can get deals,
Romeo shopped there, looking for steals,
In Neverwhere love is eternal,
But supermarket prices are just as abysmal.

While at Zellers he met his best friend,
and said it bothered him to no end,
That Julie, once luscious and curvy,
Recently looked somewhat frumpy.
"Not to fear," said Brabantio when this he eard,
"To be obese in Neverwhere is quite absurd,
If you want Julie to be sultry again, listen,
The fairy Godmother is an esteemed dietician.
It is through her that that glutton, Jack Sprat's wife,
Is looking slimmer than she has all her life."
Recalling Mrs. Sprat's now 24inch waist,
Romeo dialled 1800godmother with utmost haste,
And once she picked up the telephone,
Told her of the problem he was facing at home.

"Not to worry oh Romeo,
Those extra pounds I shall make my foe,
And in no time at all, of your beloved Julie,
You'll be saying, 'my God, she's never looked so sexy'."
The next morning the Godmother knocked at Romeo's door,
And told Romeo what she had come for.
Julie at first was a little offended,
But when Ms. Corleone entered her resistance faded,
For even though the Godmother, had just turned 98,
Her body would make an abbot salivate,
"How do you do it," Julie inquired,
"98, and yet still so desired,"
"Now, now!" the fairy Godmother burst,
"You'll find out soon, but payment first."

Romeo pulled out his VISA card,
For even though financially, times were hard,
Julie's figure was his first priority,
And five thousand dollars was an acceptable fee.
At this the fairy Godmother (called for short Godmam),
Declared they should begin at once, Julie's diet program,
And dispense of all unnecessary baby fat,
Leaving Julie slender, with a stomach, flat.
The first few days were like any other diet,
As Godmam assessed the metabolic rates of her client,
And after applying her secret, 'equation that slims',
Godmam declared, "Now it truly begins,"
And on the next day commenced Julie's ritual starvation,
And exercises aimed at buttock reduction.

Jogs in the morning, aerobics in the evening,
And two hour lectures on the virtues of slimming.
Godmam supervised with fastidious zeal,
Making sure that a single cracker was Julie's largest meal.
Butter and salt she strictly rationed,
And she hid all the cheese to prevent temptation,
But after one arduous dieting week,
Godmam was looking unusually bleak,
For Julie was still homely and plump,
Need I mention the size of her rump?
Godmam researched for hours and hours,
Using every resource she had in her power,
Until she theorised that Julie had diet resistance,
And the program must be altered for this special instance.

She made the diet's regulations twice as severe,
And when she told Julie, she trembled in fear,
For from then on, daily she would run half a marathon,
Until every last extra pound was gone.
And the tortuous toil would never abate,
Until Julie was panting and drenched in sweat,
And even after the crackers that Godmam permitted,
She would prod Julie's stomach until she vomited.
After two weeks of this intensified program,
Julie approached Godmam with a grievous problem,
Her body ached; she was totally exhausted;
And hunger her every pore permeated.
Every night she dreamt of chicken and lamb,

And she had even considered, eating her husband,
For every day, lying next to her,
His thighs were looking tastier and tastier and tastier.
"I don't care if this diet does not succeed,
Some bangers and mash is what I know need,
Who cares if I'm a little overweight?
I cannot persist in this fooddenied state,
All that I want with all of my heart,
Is steak, fries, and a creamy tart."
At this Godmam shrieked in discontent,
Shocked at the cowardice of Julie's intent,
Now, just as Julie was getting visibly thinner,
She wanted to quit for something as minor as hunger.
She raged, she screamed, she pointed her finger,

Telling Julie that she had disappointed her.
And as Godmam walked toward the door,
She asked Julie what she wanted more,
"Steak, fries and a creamy tart,
Wouldn't you rather look like Callista Flockhart?"
At this Julie's fate was irreparably sealed,
For she was a fan of Ally McBeal,
"Come back, come back," she told the Godmother,
"I was wrong to submit to the pangs of hunger,
This time not a direction I'll question,
You know best how to fulfil your intentions."
And for the next week Godmam pushed Julie to the edge,
And she obeyed every word, as had been her pledge,
She ran incessantly and took uphill hikes,
And even Gandhi ate more on his hunger strike.

But then yesterday when Romeo awoke in the morning,
He found that Julie was no longer moving,
And after dragging her out of bed,
Realised alas, that Julie was dead,
Romeo wailed as grief overtook him,
Why had he insisted that she become slim?
With his selfish wishes, he had killed her,
Because he had wanted her to be thinner.
Now I know that this ending seems in all ways sad,
But no situation is ever all bad,
For while, for Romeo all seems lost,
Julie's funeral will be at no extra cost,
For just as the Godmother is a great dietician,
Her brother, you see, is an exemplary mortician.