The Drink

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Ygraine
Ygraine
60 Followers

"Look," you said, " I'm really sorry, but I can't come."
"Don't worry, it can't be helped."
"I'll see you at the Assistant's Training in a month?"
"Yes, I saw you on the programme,
"I'll come down early."
"We could go for a drink afterwards."
"That would be nice,
"We haven't had time for a proper talk for ages.
"Jenny's doing a session, too, could you invite her?"
Silence, confusion,
"Yes, I'll give her a ring."
"See you then, take care,"
"'Bye!"

Idiot!
Why did I say that?
I don't really want Jenny there,
Although it would be nice to see her,
I don't want another sociable occasion,
Like-minded friends enjoying social interaction,
I want some time for me!

Why do I do it?
Always engineering a group
So that I can watch other people enjoying themselves,
I want some time for me!

Weeks pass and people die,
Relatives grieve and sob
And rail at me, at me, at me....

"Why did it have to happen?"
"Don't they care for their patients at that hospital?"
Silence. What can I say?
"I'm so sorry."

"She shouldn't have had to have spent all that time in pain!"
"Cancer of the pancreas is very hard to diagnose."
"She shouldn't have had to suffer,
"They should have known there was something wrong with her,
"She was down there every other day."

"The doctors will say that they tried to find out what was wrong"
"But they didn't, did they!
"She had to beg them to send her to hospital!
"They told her to go away and come back another time,
"They told her that when she couldn't walk,
"Two days before she died,
"In agony!"
"I'm so sorry."


"You're sorry!
"I'm sorry, too!
"Sorry that she never saw her first grandchild,
"I'm sorry that she never had the chance to go home to Nigeria to die.
"She wanted to go to Nigeria,
"To die,
"But she was too ill."

"They said that there was nothing wrong,
"That she was imagining the pain,
"And we backed them up.
"We didn't believe her.
"So in the end, she left home for a while,
"Because we didn't believe her pain."

"I thought I was over the crying."
"It's all right. "
I place an awkward arm on hers,
Knowing that nothing I can say or do can assuage her grief
Or deflect her anger from me,
Whom she sees as part of the system
That let her mother die,
In agony.

There is no redress,
But it's not my fault!

After she leaves, my calm, comforting facade crumbles,
Others are supportive, proffering coffee,
Suggesting I go home,
Leaving me in solitude with my tears,
Then offering sandwiches after a decent interval.

There's no time for the luxury of weeping.
Days pass.
I keep wanting to cry
But there's too much to do!

Perhaps next week,
Perhaps I could drown my sorrows
During that drink.
It's a long shot,
It probably won't happen,
But the small spark of hope
Carries me through the remaining days.

"Are you going far?" asks the taxi driver,
Starting the engine against the driving rain.
"I'm teaching on a course.
"A friend is taking tonight's session,
"So I'm going down to heckle from the back!
"We're going for a drink afterwards,
"I haven't seen him for ages."
"That will be nice!"


I can't disguise the enthusiasm in my voice,
We're going for a drink.
The bright spark continues,
Sustaining me throughout the journey.
Soon I'll be able to talk,
It won't be long,
My eyes grow hot against the carriage window,
Tears rush, unbidden, - not yet,
Not yet!

"So what do you teach?" asks the second taxi driver,
"Health Service Studies."
There isn't time to explain,
"My friend's doing tonight's session,
"So I've come down early,
"We're going for a drink afterwards."
"It's nice to meet up with friends."

But there is no-one there when I arrive.
It's not going to happen.
I unpack my case,
Wander purposefully around,
Run into the course organisers,
They seem genuinely delighted to see me,
I will forget my disappointment,
Enjoy being here,
I put on my jolly voice,
We exchange conversation.

Dinner is very pleasant,
People talk to me,
They are nice people,
I don't feel an outsider.

You arrive,
They greet you as a long-lost friend.
'It won't happen,' I tell myself,
'I shall have to share you with everyone,
'It will be a pleasant evening in the bar,
'I'll watch them all collectively tease you.'

You keep referring to the bar during your session,
I assume that you will join them.
There is very little hope left when I ask,
"Are we going to have that drink then?"
"Yes," you say firmly, rekindling the spark.

Do you know how much I need to let go?
You made a profound remark in the car in January,
"It must be very difficult for you."
"It has been," I said,
Not daring to hope that you meant it,
It sounded too much like a counselling ploy.
You left immediately afterwards,
I couldn't be sure.

Yet you extract yourself gracefully from the group,
Making it actually sound that time with me is important.
When they try to draw you back
You take us both away.
Do you suspect what I need to do?

When the tears come,
Your comforting arm is immediate,
Unforced, warm and strong.
Holding me up to let the sorrow drain away.

I had never contemplated that you might actually like me,
That the harmony I felt between us could be reciprocated.
I had heard the words of feeling for you in other's voices,
Knew of close working with neighbours,
Had let it go,
Savouring the moments of chemistry that had occurred,
Not colouring the future with frustrated desire.

When you speak of kinship,
I can accept the reality.
Your touch is not withdrawn,
You don't seem to be afraid of that side of me
As others have been.
We talk and share, the heavy burdens lifting
As my tears fall.

You see my need and offer succour,
You hold my hand to banish all my doubts,
I don't want you to go,
But I'm not afraid anymore.
"You can sleep the sleep of the righteous!"
I don't,
But when I think of my African princess
The heavy weight on my heart
Has gone.

Ygraine
Ygraine
60 Followers
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1 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousalmost 18 years ago
~

I think this would work better as a prose poem or short story. The rapid progression quotation marks and line breaks really distracted from the story, the story here is the important part, and what a story it is! I think the story would be great inspiration for a poem, but would recommend re-working the format.

~aswirls

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