- Erotic Poetry
- The First Parting
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Author's note:
PandoraGlitters brought a couple of problems with my first submission of this poem to my attention, and in addition, after re-reading it, I found a couple of other places I thought I could make it work better.
Being as it was my first try at creating a sonnet, I didn't expect to get off scott-free, so thanks again, PandoraGlitters.
The First Parting
I think I made an error leaving you
with just a kiss, to stay there all alone.
I saw no choice, nor aught that I could do.
You closed the door, my heart fell, like a stone.
I cannot even call you on the phone,
the mem'ry of our loving makes me sigh
with want; and such desire to hear you moan
in passion, and your sweet orgasmic cry.
Oh, why must you continue still to try
to stir the embers of a love that's dead?
So many weeks have passed, now won't you fly
to me, and live in my embrace, instead?
Let us reclaim the joy that once we had,
and nevermore be lonely or be sad.
- RhymeSmith
- COMMENTS
PandoraGlittersabout 16 years agoThis seemed pretty solid (sound iambic pentameter) until I got to the third stanza. The meter of the 9th line scanned four beats instead of five. Also, the stanza is contradictory in its declarations: don't try anymore but why don't you try again?
I have the urge to trample down all the trellis of form and ask where is the flower? What do you want to say? Make sure the plant is sound and defined before training it to the trellis. (I hope that metaphor doesn't suck too much.) :)
That said, I look forward to reading more of your poems.
