Non-Erotic PoetryThe GiftThere is somewhat of an irony
When you wonder when you will die
And someone actually tells you, when it’s going to be
You no longer wonder when, but why?
You really think you want to know
And in an instant, you regret it
Am I going to know? Where am I going to go?
Will it hurt? Will I cry? This cannot be it
After all the counseling, tears, and constant rationalization
You sit alone at night, after the denial fades away
Even though there is no good reason, or acceptable justification
You are still too livid to pray
Besides what the fuck would you say?
Hey God, I’m on my fucking way?
Is this what you had in mind God when I fucking woke up that day?
My pain, my angst, my fucking regrets
Is that what I have to look forward to now?
Sitting around, waiting for death
Taking advantage of every minute I have left, I don’t fucking know how
All I see is what I lost, what I did not do or say
All I hear is all the hate
The world screams at me every fucking day
Everything I ever asked for, and I forgot to mention my life?
So many reasons this is fucking wrong
My children, my husband, I am a mother I am a wife
I only committed one travesty, loving him when I shouldn’t,
I knew it’s what I was suppose to do
He would have loved me, but he couldn’t
I begged you God, make him want me
The one human on this Earth I could connect with see
He made me normal, gave my mind rest, why give and then take him from me?
I was broken then, couldn’t see the reason
Love like that never happens in reality
Nothing lasts forever, no hour, no action, no season
After my days were numbered, people with their awkward sympathy
Would ask me if I was afraid, worried, or scared
About the days to come, the things that have to be
I tell them that I was afraid, scared, and mad as Hell
I tell them that it isn’t fair
I hold back the tears, the sobs, the screams as well
Well at least you can do all the things you want, you know, before you go
They actually fucking said this to me
I thought what the fuck do you know?
About what I wanted to do or the things, I wanted to see
What the fuck do you know about my life?
Fuck you, you don’t even know me
The anger comes and goes like the tide
Some days you feel great
Others days you wish you’d already died
It’s to hard to know, and wonder now
Not about the when so much
But again the when and how
The Lord grants us Grace I like to believe
When we begin our way back home to him
He forgives us our human faults, gives us reprieve
He forgives my sin
I ask him as I lay at night
Alone in the isolation of my bed
Help me do these last things right
God, take these fearful thoughts from my head
He tells us that our truest desires, the things not given to us here
Will be known to us in Heaven
Only joy, no sorrow, no anger, no fear
Joy for me would be awaking next to You
In the morning, alone in our bed
Not worried or afraid nor surprised to find You
Our truest desires, He said
So I fear not this day, in the future that I now see
That I leave here, and awake, to your love
For you are the Heaven that will be given to me.
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