- Non-Erotic Poetry
- The Girl I Used To Know
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Rake me
Slow across the coals
Serve my blood up in a bowl
Carve out my heart with your knife-like lies
This I offer you: my life
You've already crushed me
With your careless words
I'm sure that you will revel
In the cause to make it worse
You stuck me with your blade
Twisted it 'round
In your grip, my sight fades
But I still hear the sound
Of your mocking
Voice laughing all about
How you let me go
And whispering as I gasp
That you killed
The girl I used to know
- COMMENTS
todski28about 10 years agocomments regarding this piece, the violence through the piece the ending doubles as a finish but a portent to new beginnings, well done
greenmountaineerabout 10 years agoSmart word play. I liked it a lot. The slant rhymes of "o" tied the sound of the poem together in a nicely subtle way. I thought you might have added a couple more in the middle, but that's a quibble. I also think "offer" in line 5 might have been better expressed as "offered."
The ambiguity at the end intrigued me, and I think makes for a more interesting poem. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but the first person of the narrative still seems conflicted about the relationship, in effect, not wanting to let go. However, that girl is dead, perhaps the better for it, and this may be merely a transition to something better. A reader can go in different directions with that. I think a poem is well done when it provokes thought beyond the reading. This did for me.
