The New Jaguar XJ7

Style
Exhiliration
Performance
Validation

Jaguar's sleek sophistication is truly legendary
As a Jaguar owner, you too will merit the envy of the masses.

Is there any better way to show the world that You've Arrived?

Is there anything more sexy than a freshly washed, gleaming XJ7?

No, there is not.

Purchase one, and you will become sexy too.
Beautiful women you've never met will fall hopelessly in love with you.
Maria in Accounting, the shapely haughty wench, will get down on her knees for you.
She will exist only to worship you, to please you.
You will be her God.
Jaguar Guarantees It.

At the heart of the XJ7 is a turbo-charged 390 horsepower power plant, capable of 399 lb-ft of torque at 3500 rpm.
You will be unable, quite literally, to obey any speed limit.
You will have the Power.
Power enough to speed you from the sufficating grip of society, family, and obligations.
Power enough to propel you beyond any regret, disappointment or guilt.
Power enough to drive into the gaping infected wound at the Nexus of your Being.
And return in Glory.

The XJ7 will fulfill your every need today.
The XJ7 will insure that your future is blessed and blissful.
Now, Jaguar offers a new option: the XJ7 can correct the many errors in your past.
With the flick of a button on the well-appointed dashboard, Arnie Schmidt in the 5th grade will never have existed.
You will not have wet your pants on the bus when you were 9.
You will have asked that pretty girl in Algebra to go on a date. She will have accepted.
You will not have proposed to the human shrew who became your wife.

Let us not mince words, sir: You're losing.
Your problems multiply by the minute.
The dark cloud hanging over you grows each day.
The prospect of a gray meaningless existence is ever more certain.
That is why Jaguar made the XJ7.

Fulfill your destiny.
Buy the new Jaguar XJ7 now.
Don't fuck up yet again.

Voted one of Car & Driver's 10 best cars for 2004