The Pain...

I'm sitting here listening to the sound of the fans behind me. The only other noises that can be heard would be the animals, and the typing of the keys. Everyone else is asleep; nobody knows the things that are going on inside of me. The combination of pain and arousal that I'm feeling. I wonder if anybody would care if they did know.

I wish you were here, I wish you were inside of me right now. I wish I could play with you. The pain of not being able to do the things that I want more then anything is crushing. I can't see through my tears. If you knew of them would you care? If you could see them, would you wipe them away as you've done so many times before? Why does it hurt so much to know that you're playing and not be able to do a damn thing about it?

Why can't I get my head together? Why can't we do this right? I love you, and I hate you. You're the pain in my heart as well as the love that's there. I'm so horny. Why does it bring tears to my eyes to know that all the things I want from you, all these things have to be paid for? All these things that I've gotten for free for years that I've taken for granted, thinking they'd always be there.

I feel like a failure in a lot of ways. I can see the cockiness drain from me as once again you show me that you can give me my attitude, just as fast as you can take it away.

I slide slowly down on my toy; maybe I’ll get lucky and fuck myself into oblivion. I won't remember the pain and the tears. You won't let me forget though, I know you won't. I slide up the shaft of this toy, and it feels so good, I can't wait to begin fucking myself. I really do wish you were playing with me. At the same time, I wish more then anything that you'd stop telling me that you're gonna’ play. I don't know what the reason you tell me is, but it hurts like a stab wound when I can't play too.

I wonder if I'm wrong to imagine that the toy inside me is you while I'm riding it. I guess if you don't know it's not really a sin. If you don't know how much I want you, how much I need you right now, and how much I'm crying from the pain then it won't matter. Maybe I can get rid of it if I don't tell you, maybe I can forget it; get over it if I don't say it out loud.