The pain of choices

The summer sun against my skin no longer warms me
My frozen heart no longer beats within my chest
I should have listened to my friends who tried to warn me
Instead I carried on regardless, knowing best

I didn't heed the burning need, the pain of wanting
I turned away from common sense and logic too
I let my heart command my head and leave it reeling
I let myself forget myself and fall for you

I should have stopped and told myself "You cannot have him"
I should have forced myself to stand and walk away
I should have thought of all the conflict that I'd cause him
Instead I stood, fought with myself and chose to stay

Although I knew for me there was no happy ending
And though I knew that in the end I'd always lose
I wanted more then the mixed messages he sent me
I wanted him to be the one, the one to choose

I told him I was his if he'd but only ask me
I told him that he was the best I'd ever had
All with the knowledge even then, he wouldn't pick me
And knowing that and wanting him just made me sad

I tried to stop and when he spoke I'd wait to answer
Or make it light and fun or just turn things to sex
Through everything my mind told me this must be over
I couldn't help but wish that she was now an ex

And selfishly I wanted him to be mine only
And greedily demanded moments all alone
And carelessly declared my feelings with abandon
And hoped that one day he would match them with his own

Forgetting then that he was promised to another
Or not forgetting but pretending it weren't so
And all the while I knew that I would not forget him
That in the end I'd have to lie to let him go

And even now I do not know why he affects me
I don't know why it's him and not another man
All that I know is that he's changed me for the better
And many tried but he's the only one who can

In dark late nights I wonder why and how he tricked me
Broke through my walls and barriers without a fight
Twisted my thoughts and wants and needs and moral boundaries
Until with him I couldn't tell my wrong from right

I cannot say how I would feel if this were different
I cannot tell how many rules of mine I'd bend
I only know the situation that I'm given
And know that one way or another this must end