- Erotic Poetry
- The Runway Girl Comes Ever Nearer
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Click hereInside her,
like doves sleeping,
slow, as light as a second hand
sweeping over an Eleven.
The color of the night is Sahara.
She wants to be undone now,
unloomed – totally –
hearts touch best
fucking undressed.
He wanted architecture –
suspensions, arches, vaults.
Ardor opens portals
and basilicas have no locks, so,
her oasis, still draped in passing silk,
compassed that night the needle,
drawing it up into the Constellation Blue.
Jets hurtled near where stars were born.
- COMMENTS
foehn2over 16 years agoI'm easily drawn in by language that sparkles, and yours does. However, there are some problems here, for me. The largest of them was the tense change between the first and second stanzas. "She wants," and then, "He wanted." There may be a reason for it, but in my opinion, it's not obvious to the reader.
Second, the surprise of rhyme in the two ending lines of the first stanza seem to me to be a mechanical mistake. It might could work, but as a reader, I'd like a hint that it's going to happen.
It's difficult, because the language is so beautiful! But there are things I want clarified, punctuation mistakes I would like resolved. For example, "near where stars were born" is wonderful! But what is the significance of the last line?
Thing is, your reader cannot see into your mind. Most of us do not have much power of extra-sensory-perception. I feel you are an incredible talent, but I have two words of advice for you. They are, "sound" and "sense."
Pay a bit more attention to the latter, and you will likely go far. *smile*
Sincerely,
Tom
Amyfriendabout 17 years agoand confusing, almost an hodge podge of meaningless metaphors.
colddieselover 17 years agoI have tried but am unable to understand this poem.Could someone say what it means to them as I am lost.
