The Salutatorian

My friends had asked, how was it so, that I had passed
From steadfast salutatorian to being
Such a promiscuous slut
(a redundancy of sorts, but not their words).
But I answered so disingenuously
And with so politely maintained a pretense
Of taking no offense at all:
"Oh my God, I know, I am soooo
Dissipated now, you would not believe!"

Ay, that was my very word:  'dissipated.'
I think I said it with a little cough
As though I were clearing my throat of an
Intractable string of half-hour old jiz.

Sorry:  that's a disgusting image.
'Dissipated' itself is rather a
Meretricious word-- which in no way means
'Merit' or relates to merit at all; and,
Considering myself a member of the
Meritocracy in good standing
(whatever my extracurriculars)
I should hate to have to own up to it,
Which is why my thongs all hail from La Perla.

"What a revel! So lovely again to meet!--
Yes, girls, another Cosmo, please.  I do
Seem to have something caught in my throat.
Now: whose husband is the one in the blue polo again?"