The Slow Disintegration of a Human

The Slow Disintegration of a Human Existence

I want more, I’ll miss him today,
Another two weeks of seclusion
I can’t be content with only seeing him once every two weeks, twice every month, twenty-four times a year!
I WANT FUCKING MORE THAN THAT!
The clock reads 10 a.m.,
I’m already breaking down again
I know I shouldn’t, but I will
Tears fall,
Why do I do this to myself?
He was so proud; I’ve been clean for two weeks;
I’ve been happy
Now I’m back in my low place where only pills comfort me
I pop six at once,
What’s just a few?
They’ll help make me numb, make me happy
What a load of bullshit!
I feel my hands shake, my head begins to swim
I fall
Hours pass with a dark dreamless sleep
When my eyes come back into focus I reach for a bottle, it doesn’t matter what kind or how many,
I just need more
Some make my mind race; others shut all thoughts down, either way I can’t concentrate on the pain,
That’s all I care
I know if he’s not here I’ll never stop
I need him more than twenty-four times a year, more than forty-eight,
I DESERVE 365!
Oh well, at least I can sleep, the pills make sure of that
Who cares if I don’t wake in the morning?