- Erotic Poetry
- The Wrong One
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Click here**all persons are over 18**
The young girl whimpers
as the ropes dig deeper.
Her eyes show her fear
as the men all leer
at the girl caught
and unanimously bought
for the five men gather
to tear her dress to a mear tatter.
Oh falls the hope of one
girl so sorrowful so young.
Her cherry they have taken
but her identity mistaken
for another one so fine
and can they be so blind?
That girl is not the slave
you fools who think their brave
I am the one you want.
She is the lost girl, is she not?
So turn away if you dare
and see the one her cries brought here.
- COMMENTS
Lady_quiet_dreamerover 13 years agoAuthori ran this poem through spell check before posting. i guess it missed them. :)
vrosej10over 13 years agoYou need to edit with a dictionary close at hand.
'Oh falls the hope of one
girl so sorrowful so young.'
This line in particular needs a rewrite. The Oh sound like an attempt to sound poetic rather than real. It's a common beginners error.
Try reading this poem :http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/1954/
by Sharon Olds. It covers the same kind of themes and is handled impressively. You could do worse than model of her language.
ucleeboover 13 years agoGreat effort, but 'mear' for 'mere' and 'their' for 'they're' detracted from my enjoyment of your piece. Still, don't get discouraged, just find a good editor.
GuiltyPleasureover 13 years agoDid you read this aloud to yourself before submitting?
I don't think you can have because you'd have heard how uncomfortable it sounds. There are so many near-rhymes and plain missed rhymes - it is possible to write a poem that sounds like speech - do you talk like this? Kudos for effort but my suggestion is that you read much more poetry than you do at present.
Tess
