Time in Our Lives

     There comes a time in our lives, that makes us stop in our tracks, look down at our feet and ask, "Why did you take me here?"  You find yourself in unfamiliar territory, surrounded by dark foreboding trees, thick toxic weeds, and unknown night sounds seeming to come from right next to you.  You look over your shoulder longing for the warm light you used to be in.  You turn, and yet turn again, running circles inside of your head. "Wait, which way was I going?? Where am I??"  This is when the panic sets in. It closes in on you, and you start to suffocate in it as it covers your ears and eyes.  You start to run, gasping for air, something cuts your arm as you pass. The blood, you can feel is running down your arm right along with you.  

     Then before you, is a wall of solid black granite, yet you don't see what is before you, due to the fact you are still longing for your past.  You hit it hard, at a full run. Your knees fold, the ground hits your face as your tears nourish the earth. Grabbing fistfuls of dirt, throwing them, screaming "Why?!?"  There is nothing here that is you.  You should turn around and go back. You should, start over, but how?  Thoughts swim inside your head, this is not what you wanted to happen at all.  This, this is not the place you are supposed to be at in your life.  Looking back you made choices and there were choices that were made for you that were wrong. No longer knowing which direction you came from, or which way you were headed, you sit on the ground looking up at the sheer face of the rock and know there is no way out.  

     Looking around you, all there is are thick vines with thorns covered in your blood from the struggle.  It is to hard to leave here.  You should just stay, you could just die here and no one would know. The desolation takes over, there is no one here with you. No one will come looking for you, they don't even know you are lost.  Yes, stay here in this pain.  The pain starts to surround you in a blanket of warmth.  It's fingers strokes your hair, and warms your belly.  This fear and hate, could be your new love.  You stay here, in this place of pain and curl up in a ball.  Let it seep it you, take over your thoughts, your dreams.  The pain nourishes you, letting you feed off of it.  Growing in your agony.  Your tears creating the mud that covers your face, and you are no longer even yourself now.  Lost within your own body.  No one can see the real you.

     Then a day comes when the tears no longer brim your eyes.  But still you lay there, not daring to move.  You are just drained with nothing else to give to yourself let alone anyone else.  So painful, your legs are cramped, as are your arms and your heart.  But, you feel as though you must move something. Slowly, ever so slowly you start to move a leg.  The pain, screams through your muscles, and you stop.  This hurts to much. So you lay there, half uncurled.  Then one day you try to stretch again. "Damn this hurts.  Maybe tomorrow." This continues, this slow dance of pain and stopping.  Then one day you are truly shocked.  You are laying on your back, all stretched out.  "How the hell did that happen?  Damn it!!! You have got to be kidding me!! Now you rain on me??"  But you don't move, why should you?  "Let it come.  Can't get any worse than this."

     The rain passes quickly and you find it has washed you clean.  Raising an arm you gaze at it. Shocked to see the color of your skin again.  Flexing your fingers.  You blink.  "What was that?" You flex again. "There. A spot. Of... light?" Flexing again. "Yes, it is there."  Your eyes follow it up through the bright green canopy of branches and leaves.  There it it. Small, but there.  How do you get there?  You have to get up.  But if you get up, it will hurt.  But you can see it right there.  You debate this for days, your brain hurts with the activity.  To go or stay? Then you realize that you are smiling.  Really, you are smiling as you look at the small spot of light.  You move and the pain racks over you, pulling you back down, it loves you and doesn't want you to move.  The pain wants to keep you here forever, it needs a companion, someone to love.  Yet you continue your own battle, slowly fighting it.  

     Then it changes, and changes again and you feel that the pain feels good.  To be moving forward. Stretching muscles that were locked up for so long.  Working through the pain, is in a way, making you feel again.  It hurts so much, but you know this is what you need to do.   You find yourself  standing up, but now you have no clue what to do. Looking up at that spot of light, almost feel it, but how do you get to it?  You have to climb, over the wall. But how?  Searching you find a small crack in the wall, making a lip to grab onto.  Your fingers just fit and you pull yourself up. Next, you find a branch you grab onto.  You keep looking for the next place, and slowly you are shown the way.  You fall sliding down the rough face, skinning your palms and knees.  Stopping to cry, this is to much.  Looking down and then back up.  Once again, you find yourself lost part way up this shear rock.  Slowly you start to move up again, one hand hold, one foot at a time.  

     It seems you are on the wall for weeks.  But as you climb the light is brighter and warmer on your face.  Over and over again, you search for a handhold and see nothing there.  It starts to get easier, slowly ever so slowly but it is easier.  You feel completely alone on your struggle against the wall and just when you are about ready to give up and go back down, a rock appears just under your hand and you wonder why you didn't see it before and you continue your way up the wall.  Your journey is long and painful. Fingers aching, elbows and knees are scraped and bleeding. But the light is leading you.  You slowly follow it up and up, more everyday.  Then you hand reaches up and hits ..... nothing. You have reached the top.  Pulling yourself up and sitting on the edge of the wall, your face bathed in full bright light.  The light washes over you and warms you like never before.  You have never seen so many colors before. Hearing people behind you, you turn your head you see smiling faces all the way down the other side of the wall.  They were there in your darkness, helping you up.  Now they come to embrace you and sit holding your hand, surrounding you on top of your wall of freedom.