- Non-Erotic Poetry
- timidity... briefly
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Click herea momentary glimpse of glimmering blue
before i cast my eyes downward
ah, shoes
how much of my life have i spent staring at you
whipped dog that i am
but i know
kindness is just an illusion
shitty parlor trick
to lure you in
all the world a venus fly trap
waiting for a fool
who looks up
- COMMENTS
Eumenidesalmost 20 years agoOk, I like where you're going with this poem, but I think you can stop it at "waiting for a fool" without adding the "who looks up". The contrast isn't needed, methinks. I also think it would read stronger if you didn't use the pronoun "you" in reference to the shoes, but "them". (Although I could be mistaken and you could have been saying you were looking at a person, but it seemed logical that you meant the shoes.) Anyway, that's all.
perksalmost 20 years agothis is only part of a poem, it needs to be extended by about three times its length. It has some good parts and ideas, but if you're trying to write this particular brand of poetry, it needs to be quicker, with fast assonance, some internal rhyme and the length needs to match it, otherwise you're a two minute man with no tools, get what I'm saying?
tarablackwood22almost 20 years ago...is stronger than yesterday's wild ramble. There is power here and there in lines, and the mood is strong. Nice read.
