Trapped

Trapped inside a roll of disillusion, that just about sums me up right now. Trapped; in a restricted position enticed and seduced by my own disillusion. Disillusion; disenchanted, without illusion, my naivety and mistrust within myself. It just about makes sense, well in a nonsense kind of way. Let me try again, what I am doing is trapping myself in my own disillusion, allowing my naivety and mistrust to take control of my life, and forgetting all other aspects, the other aspects that make me what I am, not who I am now. Right now I am longing to see myself again, to see the real me, shift these clouds that have begun to hang over me, and clear the path I must tread in this godforsaken life.

Life; the quality that distinguishes the living from the dead, the existence of mankind. The question I must ask myself now, is ‘Am I really living?’ I think not, I am merely living in the shadows, hidden behind the murky depths of my illusions. This life, that is the period in this lifetime between my birth and my death has been somewhat sporadic, meaningful yet meaningless, like a frog that jumps from one lily pad to the next, constantly searching for a greener pad, instead of looking at the one he already has.

Maybe I need to look at what I do have, analyse the facts, and forget the bullshit that rolls around in my brain. The emotions that make no sense just tear me up inside with each waking breath. Those emotions are bullshit, like energy vampires sucking away, and for me, well me I let them, I just sit back and let them destroy me. Eating away at my soul, and torturing those I love around me.

The ones I love, what a sentence, what is love? Love; a strong affection for another? Someone close to your heart maybe, well in that case I love too much, I hold all those I know close to my heart, maybe too close, and for the ones I love deeply well need I say anymore, I am suffocating myself and those around me, wrapping myself up in them, and forgetting who I am. Fuck them, this was never about them, this is about me. How has it come to this? How have I got to where I am today? But more than anything, Can I change the demon I have become?