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Click hereSpend thirty years in the womb.
Born an old man
Only to spend more a few more years
Adrift in the ocean
The time to think
Grants a certain widsom
Songs of magic
Despite landing many fish
Love is unattainable
Till a field here
An adventure there
Sing songs to weep
Take a quick look around Hell
Decide the beer sucks
Sneak out the front door
Scolded by a virgin's child
Give up power to him
A boat made from two pennies worth of copper
One last voyage awaits.
suggest moving the line instead, because of the sylable count, it does have a tendency to become the focal point.
"Love is unattainable"
perhaps closer to hell
"A boat made from two pennies worth of copper"
is this where it cam from, it's been driving me nuts.
This poem is mentioned in the New Poems thread on the bulletin board. :)
I hate the line: "Love is unattainable" Tighten where the metaphor drifts with current, and this piece will kick ass!