- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Valentine Elegy
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VALENTINE ELEGY
The scent of jasmine clings to the sheets,
a memory that lingers well into tomorrow
and breathes of yesterdays long gone.
Moonlight paints shadows on the pillow,
marking the place where your head once rested.
Love has carved its name deeply into this night,
banishing all sadness but leaving the door ajar
so a small trace of sorrow slips through the crack.
Pain tugs tentatively at a heart grown rough,
mottled with bruises and caked with dried tears,
but is sent on its way without so much as a glance.
If I close my eyes, I can still feel your hand
resting on my shoulder as you drift into sleep.
And I wonder, if I never open my eyes again,
will you reappear before me, wearing dream laurels,
a crown of death upon your brilliant copper hair,
gossamer wings shimmering with every move,
and the fragrance of lilies flavoring your aura?
- COMMENTS
vrosej10about 13 years agoAnd in wicked need of a violent edit but you can write, you just need to tighten your game a bit. Poetry is compressed, every word should lift its own weight. Decorative flourishes are just that. Ask yourself, does this word contribute to the exact meaning of what I am writing or is this just pretty sounding?
Esperanza_Hidalgoabout 13 years agoI'm not an expert, but the meandering didn't bother me as much. Just keep going and come to the poetry forum. Many help and offer techniques to improve.
GuiltyPleasureabout 13 years ago......florid is just fine, it seems to be your style. Valentine is often celebrated in floridity so, to me, it's appropriate here.
Your poem meanders into prose in the final verse and the whole could be pruned and tightened but for a start it's a nice effort.
Tess
