Waking Dream

   Come to bed with me
She says.
And I cannot bring myself
To look up.
Her voice is needy,
Jealous.

   Ethan?
Our eyes lock momentarily,
Hers a perfect glaze;
Self-induced emptiness.
Mine,
I can only assume,
A bloodshot spiderweb.

I resume my
Careful examination
Of the floor.

   Are you listening to me?
The cigarette crammed
Between her lips
Begs to be ashed,
Threatens to spill.

   What do you want?
I ask.

   You. Come to bed. Show me you still need me.
Spent and tangled hair
Frames her tired face.
Dark chasms have made
Comfortable homes
Under her eyes.

   Some other time, love.
I fidget with a tray of pot,
Breaking it up
But not bothering to pick out
The seeds and stems.

   You're pathetic
She mumbles.
There's an edge to her voice
I can't quite define.
   Why won't you kiss me
   Like you used to?
   Remember?

I can feel her eyes on me.
Filthy.
A vague shade of green
Dances in my head,
Memory of a memory
Of something misplaced,
And then it's gone.
Chartreuse?

   Tell me.
Raspy. Her cigarette is gone.
I didn't even notice
She had put it out.
   Please Ethan?
And I cannot hold back.

   Maybe, my dear,
   I simply don't want to.
The liquor I've been drinking
Dissolves the wall
So meticulously constructed
Between my brain and my mouth.
   What do you expect of me?

   Tell me you love me, Ethan.
Cracked and brittle. Hurt.

   I do love you. Why must you remind me?
My eyes fall to her arms,
Her veins tell me stories
Of such abuse.
   I love you and I need you.
   As long as you feed my disease
   I will feed yours.
   Or is it the other way around,
   Darling?
I look into her eyes.
They glisten cold.

   Why must you say that?
Her voice is pleading,
Pained.

   Because maybe,
   Maybe one day I'd like to
   Wake up to an empty bed.
   I hate myself for needing you.
   I'm tired already, sugar-pop
   And the longer we're here
   The more tired I grow.
   Exhaustion is too familiar
   And I believe,
   My sweet,
   That you delight
   In wearing me down.

I fall silent.
The pot I've been toying with
Has found its way into
My pipe.
A flash of fire
And it burns in my throat.
Slowly,
Carefully,
She comes to sit beside me.
The weight of her gaze
Bears down upon me.
I stare at my shoelaces,
Hand her the pipe.

Flick. Flash. Cough.
   Tell me you don't mean it.
Her voice is tiny.
Again I look at her.
Pleading. Desperate.
And as she leans in to kiss me
I feel my resolve
Melting away.

Typical.

As her tongue consumes me
I begin to feel that
All too familiar swelling,
And it's over.
With that she has won,
Yet again.

Disgusting.

She pulls back,
Looks at me,
And smiles.
God, I hate myself.
   Do you love me?
Her voice is patronizing,
Vaguely cruel.
Painfully I nod,
And she leads me to bed.