Want to Believe

Not even blood ties
forged in me a sense of belonging here.

And with that, I wait no more
for the life I can't lead
and the life that I won't have,
for the chance I can't take
and the way that my heart
won't accept my fate.

Every nerve is set on high.

I take in sights, sounds, scents,
and the vagrant touches and tastes
with too much of me in an extreme.

I've gone beyond my Self
and seen the desolation
of the nothing in everything.

I've gone inside me
and determined to indulge
beyond credibility, my life.

But each day, I get closer to the last.

I wish for so much more
and every wish is wrong,
because I was never enough.

So take all of this that I live
and pull yourself into it,
because even now
it is still too much
for just me.

I still want to believe,
and yet in believing I betray
all I ever was.

I still want to grow up
but I never made it past 15 -
just held over all this life
with the wish I was more.

I hate it all
as much as I love it.