Wanting Happiness

Not a match made in heaven
            rather
a match.com made on earth
compatible, comfortable
practical, sensible
an arranged marriage
mutually beneficial
two single parents
two children each
two incomes
two attractive educated people
crazy about dogs
a Partnership Proposed by the Principals

            ("Wanna shack up?" smiling, down on one knee,
                        holding up a beautiful diamond engagement ring)
                             [I didn't get one of those with Husband One
                                          starter husband, baby daddy
                              my relationship training wheels finally off
                                          ...& by God I toppled THAT bicycle
                                                      in spectacular fashion]

& consented to
& chosen
high hopes for the future
& intentions were good
(If not pure)
            I can't live with my mother
            I don't want to say "boyfriend"
            I need someone to have my back
            & split the chores & carpool
            & buffer my kids from my
            (sometimes) disproportionate temper

                                         [& just like with Husband One, I engineered it...]
                              ("if we are to do this, the sensible timing is...
                              I can't sell my house unless and until...
                              Here's when I'd like to receive my ring, if you're getting one..."
                             ....but he agreed.
                        As always,
                  my suggestions
            were, of course, the most practical)

& in exchange...

What?

I'll contribute money
& be a co-parent
role model
wife
& provide sex
it started out great

                                                     [with Husband One, I wanted a shower after
                                                to wash off the experience]
                                          (so I was eager for vanilla sex
                                    nothing too involved
                              nothing too extended
                        nothing too intimate
                  just do it & move on
            so easy, so uncomplicated)

but "great" is a relative term
fake it once, fake it always
you're stuck
then predictably, sex turned predictable
& life too
I'm a good actress though
so no harm done
         (on the outside)

Suppress my ME
try to mold into what he needs
more exercise
more patience
more optimism
more activities I don't always enjoy
I made a prenup promise to myself:
"Make him happy"

Why didn't I also promise to make ME happy?
As usual I believed (consciously?)...
I don't deserve that
it's less important
it's not important
i'm not important
the lesson learned from parents
& reinforced by Husband One

but a partnership isn't dissolved
by imperfection or dissatisfaction

it just can't grow

& I can't breathe

I'm stifled
can't talk about sex
can't talk openly at all
can't make myself understood when I try
(& I have so damn many good words)

Different views on politics
                                                parenting
                                          parents
                                    professions
                              purchases
                        priorities
                  passion
            permanence

"Do you admire me?"

L
O
N
G

P
A
U
S
E

"You have many traits I admire."

not what I need to hear
not what I need him to think
I don't want a lie
I simply want
      the Truth
          to be other than it is

I can't make him happy
if I'm ME
He can't make me happy
if I'm ME

now it's an unproductive partnership

insidiously, gently, compatibly destructive
eroding my ME

I won't – can't – let it
not again

there should be more
there can be more
I want more
I need more
          than this

but I'm dreading the pain
his
others'
mine too

damnitit'snotafailingtowanthappiness