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Click hereI know the cavity
Thirsting, inside you.
I have seen it.
Do continue to test the waters, here.
You wade my small ripples
Encouraging one wave after the next.
Your desires float
Upon expected crests that your lessons allow.
I accept your needed intrusions
Swim in me.
Else, I sedately pool
In shallow hope.
Forgive me if I do not fear you.
I am not stayed by your countenance, alone.
I have seen your core!!
I will sustain you at the deep end.
I know you will never ask
For more than I pour into you...like water.
Immerse and quench
Your unspoken parched needs.
I have become water, pulled as the tide
Timidly lapping and caressing
The empty parts
That you allow me to fill.
Without the original with which to compare, it's hard to tell how much has been edited, though I do get a stronger feel {it seems} about the water comparison; water's always viewed as so placid and calm yet is such a hugely powerful force of nature. Hmmmmm
LeBroz expressed what I felt as well. Perhaps you want to try to come back to any thing new you write and see what happens if you take out a certain part; then take a different part etc.
Very nice though it seems a bit too long. Read it through and it should quickly be noted that the final strophe is the most powerful by far; the build up is too drawn out but the final strophe does save it.