- Non-Erotic Poetry
- what i hate about a city
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it would have to be
never-ending traffic noise
well-heeled women and
delivery boys, Chinese food
on every corner, lack of trees
disappearance of bees
and me
inevitably
standing in the middle
of main street, alone
green is long gone
no flutter of wings
or rustle of leaves
to bring Autumn on
- COMMENTS
Magnetronalmost 10 years agoWorks for me, though I would go with 'absence' rather than 'disappearance' ( less cumbersome and better reinforces the current state ). Also, take a pause for the cause and start a new paragraph with green.
Tsothaalmost 10 years agoI happen to live in a large city (2 mi people) in which there is a tree for each habitant; it's sometimes called the city of green tunnels. I shouldn't have been able to relate to your poem, due to the emphasis put on the lack of leaves to bring Autumn, yet I did. I like the determinism with the slanted "inevitably" — it sometimes feels that way, doesn't it? (I'll never be happy here. This place isn't for me.) The reasons for being done with a place may change from person to person, but I think some people will recognize the feeling.
KOLKOREabout 16 years agoIf you are talking down town of a business section - sterile and out of green, couldn't agree with you more. Which brings the ontological question - could there be an autumn with no leafs? No matter what science says I say no. Hence my agreement with you. Now, other cities or other parts of that same city could be a different story altogether. But what a wonderful topic to discuss on a poetry feedback section? Thanks.
dcpoet44about 16 years agobut i like the big city life as i'm not around them much. but i still love your poem!
twelveooneabout 16 years agoyour concept of rhyme is a very moderist concept. I', really just weighing in with a score
