- Non-Erotic Poetry
- When We Are Together
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When we are together, the skies will change to blue
the clouds will split and pull away, the sun will then shine through
until that day comes, my life will remain covered
the clouds will hide away the sun who represents my lover.
When we are together, my mind will fill with laughter,
I’ll promise myself to you that day and for every after
until that day comes, I shall remain alone
my life will remain that way until true love to me is shown.
When we are together, I’ll do the best I can
’Till death do us part and not some other man
until that day comes I’ll have to step aside
to let others walk all over me in spite of all my pride.
When we are together, out hearts will beat as one
we will live our lives together, united in the sun
until that day comes, my sun will hide away
and until you love me openly, that is where it stays.
- COMMENTS
Lauren Hyndeabout 20 years agoThe content is honest and heartfelt, one can tell, but the poem could have been better handled. There is one verse that summarises your whole poem:
"the clouds will hide away the sun who represents my lover."
Grammar aside, this really is the core of what turns out to be a lost opportunity. You try to make a metaphor for your life and the way for your love, and then proceed to destroy the metaphor completely by explaining it, not even a third of the way into the poem.
The elements you used to have potential, though, and with a bit of hard work and coherent thought could form a good poem.
