Where Are You Going?

where are you running to?
i don't know where you are,
my poor sweet baby boy,
my dream, my shooting star,
where are you going?
what are you running from?
i just wanted to be here for you,
just wanted to be your mom,
why are you leaving now?
and where is it you will go?
what makes you think this is okay?
what is it you suddenly think you know?
where are you going?
and who will be there when you arrive?
i was so scared without you,
i thought you might not be alive,
i'm your mother and i ought to know,
ought to feel your life in my hands,
i ought to have known you weren't happy,
that you'd been making these secret plans,
now i'm left with the disaster in my heart,
the last kiss you gave on my cheek,
when you acted like everything was good and all right,
even though you've been acting all these weeks,
i'm so angry with what has happened,
i'm trying hard not to be angry with you,
i just don't know who you are anymore,
and i don't know what i'm supposed to do,
where are you going, my son?
and why can't i come along?
what is it that made you run away like this?
what is this thing i did so very wrong?
i remember what it is like being little,
and being too stupid to be scared,
leaving home far too soon,
believing that no one cared,
i still don't think anyone cried for me,
not like this, the way i'm crying for you,
and i knew things and knew people and knew ways
to survive that i hope you never do,
but when i think of how you're gone,
just there one day and gone the next,
all i remember is when it seemed good,
when having you seemed the best,
you were the best that life could offer me,
my saviour, my wisdom, my soul,
they say its like having a mother's heart walking around out of her body,
and yet we do it, having kids is this precious goal,
i didn't have to have you,
but i wanted to, oh so badly did i want you born,
through all the fears and struggles and challenges,
through the tears and the family scorn,
where is it you are going to now?
somewhere i can't see and can't touch,
you're in this huge rush to do it all alone,
and i just want you back so much,
where are you running to?
and what about all these broken toys?
who am i going to be without you?
my son, my firstborn, my first boy,
your conception helped to define me,
it made me something more than i was on the street alone,
and your first kick, it developed me,
made me fight harder to give you a home,
on your first breath i hung my every dream,
on your first words i hung my prayer,
and now you're gone and i just have memories,
it's like you've died, like nothing is there,
i'm supposed to trust that you are safe,
and that's supposed to assuage my shattered heart,
but without you in my house, my son,
my world is torn apart,
how did you come to hate me like this?
because how can you just love me and leave?
how could i not see the lies you were telling?
did i love too much, making me easy to deceive?
and where are you going to?
what kind of future do you really think you'll make?
when you run like this when things get hard,
because life will give you much more than you can take,
the measure of any man or woman
is not the things that happen to them, that's not it,
it's what you do about the things that happen,
it's how you handle it,
and this leaving, this running that you are doing,
that's not handling it well at all,
but maybe i'm the one that has the lesson to learn,
maybe i'm the one with the shortfall,
maybe i should have let you do more,
maybe i should have given you everything you craved,
maybe then i could have kept you close,
and your preciousness, maybe then i could have saved,
i still do what i think is right,
what i consider the best thing for this family i've made,
and it's hard to think i have nothing to offer you,
when you ask for things to change...there's nothing i can trade,
when you were created inside of me,
i willingly took it as my will
to protect you from everything, as long as i could,
and your every need to fulfill,
that doesn't mean i will pander to you,
it's not my role to crash while you rise,
and you aren't the only child that needs my heart,
your cries aren't the only desperate cries,
every child expands their mother's heart,
hearts only grow as families also do,
i know, i believe and trust it honestly
that i gave all of my love to you,
i did for you the best i could,
but now you've run away,
and though you're safe and though you're cared for,
i really feel i've lost part of the day,
every sunrise that you aren't here,
it's shorter by a few minutes more,
every sunset comes sooner still,
and the night is shorter by far,
where are you going to?
where are you taking my heart now?
where have you run to, my son, my boy,
how do i do this without you...how?