Where did it go?

Men ask me...
How could you not know
That you're beautiful?
I don't know.
Somehow, I'm always surprised
When I look in the mirror
And like what I see.

It might have something to do
With growing up being told...
"You'd be pretty... if you lost weight."
Or hearing men say,
"She's pretty, too bad she's fat."
As if the extra padding
On my stomach, hips and thighs
Made me irrelevant, unacceptable
Or even contemptible.

I found myself
When I went off to college
And found people
Who accepted me as I was.
I felt strong and beautiful
For a time
And held my head up with pride.
So, where did it go
In the last ten years?
Somewhere, I lost my steam.

Did I let them take it from me?
When I saw a face fall
Because my body didn't quite
Match my face and my mind?
Or every time I saw a man's eyes say,
"Why are you introducing me to that?"

Or did I give it away?
When I sat home every night saying,
There's nothing out there for me
No one would want me.

And now, how do I get it back?
Can you recover such a thing?
Or is it simply gone and doesn't come back?
Like opportunity rolling down the track?

Where did it go?
And, how do I get it back?