- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Whispers
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Shafts of filtered sunlight
dancing on the bed
Warms the silken pillow
beneath your pretty head
A smile plays lightly on your lips
the visions you must see
A longing for another time
or feelings yet to be
Whispers in the silence
a hand upon your thigh
The gentle rise of your breast
you softly hear her sigh
In those precious moments
in a world of sensual play
You feel the touch of her hand
her caresses start your day.
June 2, 1996
- COMMENTS
Senna Jawaover 6 years agoThis text has a composition which is very awkward to a reader, it feels outright embarrassing. There is no place here for poetry. Indeed, there is
1. N = narrator; 2. Y = you; 3. S = she.
The scene is supposed to be highly intimate, Instead N is everywhere, N is watching Y's hand on S' thigh, and N describes the S' breast to Y (see stanza 3)..
Let's start from the beginning. Remember that an author has to provide a sensual report, and the readers have to reproduce it, and then they may provide an interpretation (different readers may provide different interpretation or even more than one). This means that the author's words have to make sense, the author should be responsible for their words; then the reader has to be SERIOUS about the author's words--that's what poetry is about.
The L1-2 are fine:
*** Shafts of filtered sunlight
****** dancing on the bed
Then:
Author, L3: Warms the silken pillow
Reader: dances on the bed but warms the pillow? C'mon...
Author, L4: beneath your pretty head
Reader: ... beneath head? That's a nonsense! Dancing on the bed, and warming the pillow, where the pillow is under the head?! (UNDER???)
Then stanza 2 and 4 are awful while stanza 3 takes away any romantic/poetic feelings. One could go into details of stanza 2 and 4 but perhaps the things are so obvious that there is no need.
Best regards,
-- SJ
