- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Why am I still here?
Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click hereWhy am I still here?
It is only the love I have for the people that love me that keeps me from taking the crucial step from simply wanting to die to contemplating when and how I will end my life.
I once thought I'd never take that step. That my love would always be enough to keep me clutching whiteknuckled to this shard of so called life I have until it is my time to die, time for my suffering to end.
Now I am wholly unsure about everything. Everything I once viewed as fact has now wobbled into uncertainty.
How much love can make this much suffering worthwhile? Is it better for my loved ones to watch the shell of what used to be me go through the motions of life? To see me hollowly observe and never truly live? Wouldn't that mean now we're both suffering? That I am the cause of their suffering?
If I take my own life it will cause them pain. They will grieve, and likely always miss me, but the pain will fade and change and in time they could go on, remember the "good times" we shared and live on. Then I will no longer cause them constant on going pain like I surely am now. Isn't it more cruel to drag this on? To make them witness the facade that was once a person struggle endlessly for years and years and years?
I'm faced with the wish for death popping in my mind daily, many times each day as a matter of fact, and have resisted to go further into that topic. Afraid if I do it would begin to seem more and more the right thing to do.
So here I am. Clutching white-knuckled to this shard of so called life I have. Today I'm still here. Check back again tomorrow......
- COMMENTS
twelveoonealmost 13 years agoI'm sorry to hear, not without some sympathy. Writing of these things is probably a bad idea.
I would also like to point out "Liar" is the name of a poet here of note.
So "aLiar" may cause some confusion.
WillowedCabinalmost 13 years agoFor what it's worth, I have a genetic spine disease that one day is going to stop me from dancing; not to mention it's incredibly painful. *Warning; this sounds trite* Sometimes, people are like grapes; you stress them and fruit gets good. Although, I'm really sorry that you felt this way, even if for only a moment. The good thing about the internet is you can meet other people who are in pain... which may or may not help. I'm sending you a hug all the way from Spain.
aLiaralmost 13 years agoAuthorIn answer to a comment this is not a suicide note. I have a medical condition that causes chronic daily pain (no cure, yet) that makes things just a bit more difficult than I'd like. I do talk to friends, family, and professionals to deal with these thoughts and problems and I strongly encourage anyone else out there who may have these same thoughts to do the same. I know I didn't really address that part so wanted to make sure I did encourage seeking treatment. This was just something that was running through my head at 2 am that I literally wrote in 15 min and posted on a whim. Thanks again for your comments and encouraging seeking treatment for depression.
*aLiar
Anonymousalmost 13 years agoPerhaps you are still here because you are simply supposed to be here.
You may not know why you were ever here in the first place, never mind the "still" of it, but in reality that only places you alongside the rest of us; even those who presume to know the answers to such questions.
For what it's worth, I vote that you hang in there.
Five.
twelveoonealmost 13 years agoTwo things I strongly recommend, talk to your friends AND get some counseling.
Another, don't write about it, words sometimes take on a life of their own, if not for you than others. Noting "moniker".
Life ends soon enough. Suppose reincarnation is real, what do you come back as?
