Why I Don't Cry

The following is a sensitive and (for me heart wrenching) poem
I've never been able to quite express before. Now that I have someone who's finally made me feel like I'm good enough I can write what I feel. I've already shared the experience with her years ago and she saw inside of me and still stayed by my side.
If you're interested read on.



See I always thought it was my fault.
That's how I felt no matter what they said.

I thought it was my fault all of it and none of it at all.
Maybe if my skirt hadn't been so short,
or if my legs weren't quite so long.
Or if I hadn't gone into that room.
Up those stairs
past all those stares

If I was stronger or pushed harder.
Or screamed louder
than the music that he played.

Maybe he wouldn't have broken me
and torn me up like a secret note between friends
Ripping all my little girl parts
and shoving me to early
into an unnatural womanhood

Maybe the tears wouldn't have come
and showed him I was weak

He laughed and pushed harder
into my body and into my mind
I couldn't deny the horrors he showed me

I was being torn in half
that's what it felt like
and I thought my soul was trying to escape

Maybe that's what I felt on my thighs
when he pulled away from me

He laughed again
as he left me there like an old toy he'd grown bored with

"I love you baby" that's the words he used when
he shut the door sealing my childhood in that cluttered room

I lay in the bed trying to understand
I sat up my thighs hurt and felt sticky

I had never seen a soul before
Was it supposed to be this red, this wet
Soaking through light blue sheets?
Was it love that made the side of my face throb
from where he punched slapped and dragged me down?
Was it love that made my insides hot and cold all at once?
And made my insides feel like they were trying to be outsides?

My eyes were blurry with tears
What had I done?

I walked down the stairs
past all those stares
and out the door
shivering in the night air
as I made my way home.