Why There Are No More Shakers

Of course I like women, Ebenezer,
Young ones and old,
But I’m not too keen about ladder back chairs.

Mrs. Pettibone, in fact, sits like one,
Although she's a fine piece of work,
But don’t you go tell her husband.

It’s just that…..
It’s those goddamn bodily fluids,
Can’t stand the sight of ‘em, Ebenezer,

Number one and two,
And, of course, number three
When me and the full moon dreams are coming.

Damn you, Sarah Pettibone, corseted!
Ah, let the horseflies in the outhouse
Have at ‘em!

Truth be told
I’d rather have splinters in my ass,
Ebenezer.