1. Racing From Love Ch. 13-15

'It's going to be alright Emma,' he assured her. 'Whatever happens, we'll make it through this.'

She stared into his eyes, wanting to believe him. Then he strode across the room and out the door, closing it behind him. She could hear their muffled voices in the hallway.

Emma felt sick. A knot of anxiety was forming in her stomach, she could feel her jaw clenching involuntarily.

She got up and wiped Sam's cum from her pussy with a bath towel, thick globs of his pearly fluid leaked out of her. When she'd cleaned up as best she could she finished dressing, made the bed and sat on it. She leaned over with her head in her hands and her elbows resting on her knees. Her breathing was shallow and she consciously counted her breaths to try and calm down, a technique the psychiatrist she'd seen two summers ago had taught her.

Why hadn't she listened to Sam when he had argued that it was best to tell them right away? God, she felt totally demoralized. How was she going to face them?

The murmuring out in the hallway stopped and there was a knock on the door.

'Come in,' she croaked. Her mouth was so dry, she could feel her heart beating in her throat, causing her to feel nauseous.

She looked up, it was Sam, he closed the door behind him after entering the room.

'Are you okay?' He asked.

She nodded her head.

'You look pale Em, what's wrong?'

What's wrong? What wasn't wrong? Her mother had seen her naked with her brother after what had obviously been a night of sex. And now her dad knew too. This was fucked up on so many different levels it wasn't funny and he was asking what's wrong?

'What did they say?' She asked, ignoring his question.

'It was just dad, he wants us to start cooking the turkey while they discuss it. He's not happy. Mom is freaking out.'

She nodded again and got up. She walked towards the door, but he caught her arm as she passed him. They were face to face, his eyes shined cobalt blue in the early morning light.

'Emma, this doesn't change anything between us. I still love you.'

She knew she was supposed to tell him that she loved him too, and she did love him, but she couldn't find the words, couldn't open her mouth and get them out. Her brain was stumped, the effort of pushing the anxiety down preventing any sort of normal brain function.

He held her there looking into her eyes, waiting for a response. His eyes held steady, locked on her.

'Emma?' He prompted her.

'Come on Sam, let's start cooking,' she whispered. He let go of her. She saw the pain in his eyes and was sorry for it, but she had to start moving, she was liable to throw up if she didn't.

Down in the kitchen she turned on the oven and got the turkey out of the fridge. Sam had followed her down and cornered her in the pantry when she went to get the spices.

'Emma, I need to know. Do you love me?' His voice was pleading with her, almost frantic.

She looked at him, this man who she knew so well, who she trusted, who she loved.

'Of course I love you Sam,' she said in a small voice.

He pulled her into a hug, his relief palpable. 'Don't scare me like that baby,' he scolded. He rubbed her back and she let her head rest on his chest, allowing his stability to quiet her twisting stomach, the roar of blood pumping in her ears. 'Emma, they're going to be mad when they come out to talk to us, they're probably going to say some nasty things. But believe me, they'll get used to the idea of us as a couple, no matter what they say today.'

He held her at arms length. She looked into his eyes, they had returned to calm, steady pools of blue. She wanted him to hold her again, to fight the nausea for her. She felt weak.

'Emma, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. This is just one bad day.'

She wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe that everything would be okay, that their parents would accept and support them as a couple, but the look on their mother's face was haunting her. It wasn't just shock that she'd seen on her face, but horror and disgust. Something told her that their mother would never accept them as a couple.

Sam was still holding her by the shoulders, waiting for some sort of confirmation from her. She was at a loss to know what to say. Of course saying that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone is romantic and exciting, but how realistic was it in their case? She knew she needed to say something, lest she completely shatter his heart.

'I love you too, Sam,' was all she could think to say.

After a moment she handed him the salt and spices. He seemed to accept that their conversation was over and he left her to root around the pantry for the potatoes and yams.

By the time that their parents came down to the kitchen an hour later they had the turkey in the oven and the vegetables prepared for the side dishes. Sam was making the cranberry sauce from scratch and it started to fill the house with the delicious smell of thanksgiving. It was too bad that none of them were in a state of mind to enjoy it.

They sat at the kitchen table, Sam and Emma on one side and their parents on the other. Emma sat with her head bowed, twisting her hands in her lap, she couldn't make eye contact with them. Their dad was the first one to speak.

'How long has this been going on?' He asked. His voice was measured.

'Since the beginning of the summer,' Sam replied.

'Were you planning on telling us, or is this... casual?' His voice was strained at that last question.

Emma's heart fell, the fact that her father could believe that she would have casual sex with anyone, let alone Sam, made her stomach turn.

'No dad, we're in love. We were trying to figure out a way to tell you,' Sam explained.

He should have blamed her, she was the one who fought against being honest with them from the start.

'Dad?' Her voice was unsteady. She raised her eyes to look at him for the first time. She was expecting to see anger, but his face was full of sadness, which was perhaps even more devastating to her.

'Yes Emma?'

'It's my fault. Sam wanted to tell you but I wouldn't let him. I was afraid.'

'What were you afraid of?' He seemed old and tired all of a sudden. How could she have done this to him?

'That you wouldn't understand, that you'd be angry and disappointed in me.'

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. 'I don't understand, we don't understand,' he said as he reached over for their mom's hand. She still looked shell shocked, her face was drawn, her lips in a tight frown, her eyes penetrated Emma with a lifeless stare. 'What were you thinking could come of this?' He asked.

'I love her dad, I want to marry her,' Sam said simply.

The older man shook his head, 'You can't.'

'With all due respect dad, we're adults and we don't need your permission.'

'No Sam, legally you can't marry her, you can't have any sexual contact with her. She's your sister, there are laws against incest.'

Sam looked taken aback. 'But dad, she's not my sister, not genetically, you know that.'

'It doesn't matter. Legally Emma is our daughter, which means that in the eyes of the law she is your sister. The law is very specific in the case of adoption. Your relationship is illegal.'

Now it was Sam's turn to look shell shocked, the color drained from his face.

'Well, what if we don't get married, we just live together as partners?' His voice had lost all of its authority, he was grasping at straws.

Their dad shook his head, 'You'd still be breaking the law. If you had children the state would be well within its rights to take custody of them.'

Emma felt the last whispers of hope drain from her body. She knew it was over, there was no future for them, Sam was always talking about wanting to have children.

'Adopting?' It was barely above a whisper.

Their dad's voice grew gentle, 'There'd be no way Sam. It's a dead end street no matter which way you look.'

Sam turned to her, his face was ashen, 'What should we do?' He asked.

She shook her head, 'I don't know,' she replied. A dull ache had started at the base of her skull, she needed to throw up.

'I would suggest that you both think very carefully about what you want out of your lives. If you decide that you want anything even approaching a normal life you will go your separate ways,' their dad advised.

As soon as they had been dismissed Emma made a beeline for the bathroom. She wretched and heaved up mouthfuls of stomach acid, it's foul burn filling the air and making her eyes water. She knew what this was, it was the same as that awful summer after the fight over Brian, this was anxiety in its most potent form.

She opened the medicine cabinet, thankful that her parents didn't use this bathroom and had not felt the need to clean out the cabinet. She searched through the little yellow canisters until she found the one she needed. Her hands were shaking as she took out a valium and swallowed it.

She sat in the shower for a long time, her legs pulled up to her chest, her head resting between her knees. The hot water ran over her back as her tears leaked from her eyes and dripped off the tip of her nose onto the tiled shower floor.

Finally she started to feel the medication kick in, the knot in her stomach became a little easier to bear, the nausea subsided and the pounding in her ears disappeared. She still had a dull ache where her skull met her neck, but she knew from experience that it would take a small miracle to get rid of that. A familiar haze settled around her emotions, taking the sharpness off their edges.

When she finally emerged from the shower she decided to go for a run. It was only 9:30 am and dinner wasn't served until early afternoon, she could get in a few hours, and it would mean that she wouldn't have to face any of them.

She pulled on her long leggings and a long sleeve shirt and vest. It didn't look like it was going to rain, even if it did she didn't really care, just so long as she could get out of the house for a few hours.

She stretched in her room, not wanting to prolong any time she would have to spend in the company of any of her family members.

She crept through the house, wishing she could disappear. Her dad was in the kitchen, assembling a pie.

'Emma?'

Shit, he'd seen her. She turned and looked at him.

'Come here Em,' his voice was kind.

She took a few steps into the kitchen. The sweet aroma of the turkey was starting to waft from the oven, it made her want to hurl.

'Are you going for a run?' He asked.

'Uh-huh,' she nodded.

'Your Nanna will be here at two so please make sure your back and cleaned up in time.'

'Okay,' she replied quietly.

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her. 'Emma, I want you to know that I am neither angry nor disappointed in you. I am upset that you didn't come to me sooner, but I understand why this was so difficult for you.'

She nodded, her eyes on the floor.

'Your mother, on the other hand, is beside herself. I think it would be best if you kept your distance from her for now, so if you could go back to your apartment after Nanna leaves that might be best for everyone.'

Emma had a sinking feeling. She acknowledged the request by nodding her head.

'Emma,' he touched her chin to raise her face to meet his eyes. 'Things will go back to normal, you'll see. You're young, there will be other men. Mom will get over this shock.'

'Okay,' she whispered. At that point she would say anything to get away. She knew in her heart that there would never be another man like Sam.

She opened the front door, glad to be out of the house. She breathed in the cool air and closed her eyes, forcing the tears back.

'Emma,' Sam's voice was raspy.

She jumped, she hadn't realized that he was sitting out here on the porch. He looked broken, his big shoulders sagged forward, his eyes were bloodshot, his face sagged. She wanted to go to him, to hold his head to her breast and stroke his hair and tell him that she loved him. But what use would that be?

'What are you doing out here?' She asked.

'Thinking,' he replied.

She didn't know what to say, she'd never seen him so distraught before, it made her nervous.

'It's cold Sam, I've got to go,' she felt so lame for her ridiculous excuse to get away from him.

He just nodded.

She ran for hours, the beat of her feet and the rhythm of her breathing hypnotizing her and allowing her brain to go blank. She didn't even know where she was going, she didn't have a plan, she was just running.

When she finally looked at her watch it was 12:45, it had been three hours. She was somewhere out near Walnut Creek and a light rain was falling. She was soaked, it must have been raining for a while. She found a major road and took a guess as to which direction the train station was.

Luckily she guessed right and it wasn't long before she was standing on the train, water dripping off her into little puddles on the floor. She was freezing, she wrapped her arms around her to try and retain some body heat. She had to change trains and was left waiting on the platform for a few minutes. The cold wind whipped around her as she huddled under the shelter, her teeth chattering.

Finally her train arrived. Inside it was not much warmer, but at least there was no wind. The car was relatively empty, it was a holiday and most people were at home, in the bosom of their families. She felt numb as she thought of going back to her parents' house. Her dad had asked her to leave after dinner. Thrown out. It was what she had known would happen all along.

The train stopped and a disheveled black guy got on. He couldn't have been much older than she was but he looked malnourished. His unkempt hair was matted and straggly, he smelled pungent. He took the seat right beside the door, uncomfortably close to where Emma was standing. He was talking loudly to nobody.

'I'm gonna bust my mom out and we can live off her social security... Aint no way I'm going away again, no way... Once I bust my mom out... No way am I going away, No way man, not this time...'

His eyes were glassy, he looked around agitatedly, as if he was searching for someone. He looked straight through Emma. He was clearly totally out of it, whether from drugs or mental illness she couldn't know. She wasn't afraid, he just made her feel sad. Why was life so fucked up?

Huddled between the seat divider and the train door, hugging her arms around her, Emma started to cry. She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to face any of them, least of all Sam. She'd gone and royally fucked up his life, hadn't she. Her heart felt black and empty, she just wanted to lie down and have it over with. What was the point anymore anyway?

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

That weekend was awful. Just horrible, worse than anything that she had ever experienced. Emma somehow managed to sit through dinner with her dad, Sam and their Nanna. Their dad had told Nanna that their mom had a nasty virus and needed to stay in bed. Nanna had accepted this without question, she was 81 years old, so she kept on reminding everyone, and she didn't need to be near sick people.

Nanna, bless her heart, was oblivious to the blanket of sadness that had settled over the house. She chatted happily about her water aerobics class and how she had boasted to all of her friends about Sam making the finals at the world championships. How her arch rival, Brittany Carlson, was so jealous of her because Brittany's grandchildren were a bunch of no good hooligans.

There was an uncomfortable silence when she asked Emma if she had a boyfriend. She should have expected it, Nanna came from a different generation, one where women found husbands and pushed out babies for a living. She had been asking about Emma's love life for years. Emma shook her head, no. 'Well dear, you don't want to be waiting around too long, all of the good ones will be taken if you do,' Nanna chuckled. Sam asked to be excused and disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes, his eyes noticeably puffy when he returned.

Emma couldn't eat. The rich smell of the turkey, roasted vegetables, gravy, cranberry sauce and fresh baked bread all mingled in the air and made her feel dizzy and nauseous. She pushed the food around on her plate, taking small bites when she felt that she could stall no longer. She didn't chew, just swallowed. She kept on catching glimpses of Sam staring at her, his eyes red-rimmed and forlorn.

When she got up to clear the table Sam volunteered to help. As soon as they were in the kitchen, out of sight of the their dad and Nanna, he grabbed her arm.

'What are you doing?' He whispered.

'What do you mean?' She asked. She didn't have the energy to try and pull her arm away.

'You spent half of the day running and then you barely ate anything for dinner. What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?'

Emma felt very tired. 'It's just the stress Sam, I find it hard to eat when I'm stressed.'

He softened his approach, 'I know Em, but please try, I can't stand it to sit here and watch you torture your body like that. Not on top of everything else.' He looked tired too.

She closed her eyes. She felt dizzy and nauseous, the contents of her stomach pushed on her esophagus, she fought the urge to vomit.

And then Sam's arms were around her, enveloping her in security. She breathed in his smell, the warm familiarity of him calming her senses, quieting her discomfort. But she knew she shouldn't be letting this happen. It would only give him hope where none should exist. It would only make the final blow all that much more difficult. It took all of her strength to bring herself to push him away.

She couldn't make eye contact with him. 'Come on, they'll be wondering,' she whispered as she brushed past him on the way back out to the table.

She had told herself that things could only get better from that day onwards, but she was wrong. Sam wanted to talk, and he kept on showing up at her apartment.

He wanted to keep seeing her. To hell with their parents he said, to hell with the law. She reminded him that they wouldn't be able to have children, he told her that she was more important than kids.

He kept on trying to touch her. He was such a temptation. His strong arms, his steady eyes, the comfort and stability that he promised her, it was all so tempting.

She had to push him away, to tell him to stop. If he didn't give her some room to think she would crumble. As their dad had said, their relationship was a dead end, right? But Sam was so beautiful, he was everything she wanted. She was so confused.

Finally he left, he went back down to LA for school. When he came to say goodbye he asked her outright if it was over. She lowered her eyes.

'I don't know Sam. I don't think we have a future,' she said in a quiet voice.

'Emma, we have whatever future we make for ourselves,' he told her, and then he was gone.