1. Racing From Love Ch. 16-18

'But it would break their hearts,' she sobbed.

'They'll get over it. Emma, please don't do this.'

'There are too many things against us. What if it was taken away from us? What if our baby had to live in foster homes and we didn't know where it was or if it was being looked after properly?'

'I wouldn't let that happen. I'd never let that happen,' his eyes were dark, angry.

'Sam,' she begged him, 'please don't make this harder for me than it has to be. I need you. I need you to help me through this.'

He sighed, and closed his eyes. The seconds ticked by. When he opened them again they were sad, defeated. 'When is your appointment?' He asked.

'Tomorrow at three.'

He sighed again, 'Okay, we'll have to leave by eight, traffic is always bad on Fridays.'

She touched him on the arm, 'You don't have to come with me. I just came because I thought you would want to know.'

He shook his head, 'Of course I'm going with you, I am responsible for this too.'

He nudged her and she moved off his lap.

'Come on, let's go to bed,' his voice was flat.

He walked back down the hallway and into his room, Emma trailed behind him. He stripped off to his boxer shorts and grabbed one of the pillows from the bed. Reaching up into his closet, he pulled out a blanket.

'There are clean t-shirts in the second drawer,' he told her. 'Good night,' he hesitated for just a second before turning and leaving the room, shutting the door behind him.

Emma looked around, she hadn't had a chance to examine the room before. She could see into his closet where there was a box on the ground full of trophies and medals. He had a set of bookshelves above his desk and she skimmed over the titles, they were mostly text books, Applied Biogeochemistry, Ordinary Differential Equations, Physical Chemistry, Chaos and Fractals, Quantum Mechanics, MatLab for Science.

Her eyes skimmed over his desk where there was a notebook open with equations scribbled in his messy handwriting beside an open text book. She turned it over to read its title, 'Partial Differential Equations.' Christ, it looked complicated.

There was a small stack of books on the desk too. Something caught her eye, a familiar book. She shimmied it out of the pile, it was the book of microphotographs that she had sent him for his birthday the year that he wouldn't talk to her.

She opened it up, it was slightly worn, the corners of the pages limp from overuse. She flipped through the images, on every page there were notes in his handwriting. 'Bacillus anthacis? Or cereus?' read one of the notes. On another page 'lacks vascular structure, probably Bryophyta' was scribbled. It seemed he had liked her gift.

She continued to look around. There was only one picture on the wall, it was an enlarged photograph of Rosie, the golden retriever they'd had as kids. It was a picture of her in the surf at Santa Cruz, her coat drenched and clinging to her body, a tennis ball in her mouth. It must have been from a summer vacation. It made Emma smile.

Rosie was so funny in the surf, she could never quite figure out the waves and she was always forgetting that it was salt water and trying to drink it only to gag and shake her head. She wasn't a clever dog but they had loved her all the same. She and Sam had begged and begged their parents for a dog, they had given in on the grounds that the kids would be responsible for her. They fed her, they walked her, they picked up her poop and when she got so stinky that they couldn't stand it any longer they bathed her.

She had died of cancer when they were fifteen, it had been so sad, they had cried and cried. She was only nine years old. She remembered Sam saying that there would never be another dog like Rosie.

Emma found a t-shirt in his drawers, she changed into it and stripped off her jeans. She turned off the light and crawled into his bed. She looked up at the ceiling. A soft beam of light entered the room from the window, falling diagonally across the bed. She sat up and looked out, it was from the streetlight across the road. Rain was still falling, although it was lighter now than it had been earlier.

She lay back down facing away from the window, and that's when she noticed the photograph on his nightstand. Her own smiling face was illuminated by the streetlight. It was a photo from last summer, when they'd gone cherry picking at a farm out in Brentwood.

She remembered when he'd taken it, they were deep in some farmer's cherry orchard and he'd been feeding her cherries and making lame jokes about how he'd taken her cherry away from her. He'd chased her around the trees and they'd kissed and fondled each other in the cool grass until they'd heard children's laughter approaching. They'd picked up their buckets and left giggling, both swollen and aroused.

The picture was oriented at just the right angle in just the right position in the light so that you could stare at it if you were lying on your side like she was.

She reached out for it, and realized that it was actually a stack of photos held together in a ring stand. She pulled the photos out and looked through them, they were all of her, but some of them had Sam in them. There were photos of her at running races, them on backpacking trips, at the beach, in their parents' back yard. There was one very old photo of the two of them on a boat on Lake Tahoe, grinning widely, dripping wet and wearing bright orange life preservers. That was the summer that they'd learned how to water-ski, they couldn't have been older than twelve.

She was touched. Sam looked at her photo at night, and it seemed like he had done for a long time. She didn't doubt that he loved her, she hadn't doubted it since the fall after her accident, she was just surprised to have found evidence of it in his room.

She put the photos back in the stand, rolled over and tried to sleep. She lay there for a long time. Thoughts swirled around in her head, images of happier times jumbled with the uncertainties of the present and fear for the future. She finally drifted off to sleep.

She was at the health clinic. The nurse told her to take the pill and so she swallowed it. All of a sudden she was bleeding, the blood seeped through her jeans and dripped on the sterile white tiled floor. Big drops of red, violent against the blinding white floor.

The nurse told her to take her pants off and lay down with her feet in the stirrups. Push she told her, push! Emma pushed hard, the pain searing through her body. Finally it was gone. The nurse left the room. Emma sat up, there was something moving in the kidney shaped metal tray, she stood up and walked over to it. It was a bird, a big black crow, covered in blood and mucus and twitching violently. Its milky white eyes were unseeing, its beak opened and closed grotesquely, wheezing air. She had given birth to a crow.

She sat up in the bed, her heart racing. She looked around, not recognizing anything. She started crying, big sobs that made her gasp for air. There was a knock on the door.

'Emma?'

Sam came in. 'What's wrong? I heard you scream,' there was fear in his voice.

The relief was overwhelming, he was beside her and she clutched on to him pulling him into the bed, sobbing against his bare chest. His arms enfolded her, holding her tightly.

'Shhh, Emma, I've got you... Shhhh, I'm here now,' he cooed to her in his deep husky voice.

Slowly she began to realize what had happened and relax. It was a nightmare. She consciously slowed her breathing, taking bigger breaths, trying to calm down. She sagged into Sam.

'Bad dream?' He asked.

She nodded, the skin of her face still pressed against his chest. 'I dreamed that I gave birth to a crow,' she shivered remembering the disgusting sight. 'How does my brain come up with this shit?'

'Don't think about it now. You need to sleep, it's late.'

He was loosening his grip on her, pushing her gently back down onto the bed. She didn't want him to leave.

'Sammy, I'm scared. Will you sleep in here?'

He hesitated for a second before he slipped under the covers with her. He seemed reluctant to touch her, he didn't seem to want to hold her. He lay flat on his back while she curled up facing him.

Every time she closed her eyes she saw that awful crow, the tears kept on rolling out, her breath almost like a hiccup.

'Come on, turn over,' he told her.

She turned away from him and he spooned her, his warmth diffusing through the t-shirt and into her back. His lips brushed against the back of her neck when he spoke.

'Hey, do you remember that time we were up in Tilden Park and we decided that the blackberries were so good that we should pick a bunch of them and make jam?'

She sniffed, 'uh-huh.'

'And when we ate the jam it turned our teeth purple?'

She let out a funny sort of giggle, 'And then we invited Dale Flannery over and made him eat a bunch of it before he had to go to church an his teeth were so black.'

She felt Sam's chest vibrate as he chuckled. 'I'm surprised his parents ever let him come around again.'

There was a pause, Emma's breathing was settling down. 'I like the picture of Rosie,' she said.

'Mmmm... I loved that dog, she was such a good girl.'

'Remember how she used to hide under mom and dad's bed when she knew we were going to give her a bath?'

'Yeah, and how she used to hide her treats in the closet and forget about them. Remember when she hid a dog biscuit in Dad's golf shoes and by the time he found out it was all soggy and rotten?'

Emma laughed, 'Mmm, she was a good dog. I remember when she died you told me that there would never be another dog like her.'

'And there probably wont be. She was our childhood pet, she will always be idealized in our minds.'

They lay there like that for a long time. When Sam held her like this she felt like nothing else in the world mattered.

'I'm glad you're in all of my memories Sam,' she whispered.

He squeezed her gently, 'Me too Em.'

Emma woke up the next morning with Sam's erection pressing into her butt. God, it was so erotic, she was so turned on. His hand had found its way under her t-shirt and was resting on her bare belly, excruciatingly close to her aching pussy.

She was in the haze of the early morning. Those moments when you are neither awake nor asleep, when the weight of the day hasn't yet settled on your shoulders. She wanted to feel him again, to feel something good, something real.

She started grinding her butt against him, she could feel the moisture between her pussy lips, if only she could maneuver his cock far enough between her butt cheeks she knew he would feel it too.

His hand slipped from her belly down to her hip. She willed him to touch her breasts, to squeeze them, they were so tender and sensitive. But his hand stayed on her hip, slowly tightening his grip until he had her pinned so she couldn't move.

He held her there for a moment, his cock pushing against the fabric of her panties, dividing her butt cheeks.

His lips tickled her ear when he said, 'Not like this Emma.'

And then he got up. She heard the creaking of pipes and the hiss of a shower. She was wide awake now, burning with embarrassment. Now there was no escaping the task of the day, today she would terminate the product of their forbidden love.

Sam stood in the shower letting the water wash over him. Today was going to suck. This whole weekend was going to suck. He didn't know how long a medical abortion took, he'd heard of it but had never had the need to learn about it. She'd said that it would be a series of pills so he assumed he'd be up there for a few days.

He felt so conflicted. One part of him wanted to forbid her from doing it today, make her sit down with him and talk properly about what the options were before making a decision. Another part of him recognized that she was right, having a baby would make their situation so much more complicated. He wanted her to come back to him because she wanted to, not because she was trapped into it by having a kid with him. And then there was the legal problem, he didn't know if they could get around that.

If she was going to terminate the pregnancy doing it now would be much better than waiting. He had taken enough biology to understand the reproductive cycle of placental mammals. Technically what they had made together was called an embryo at this point, but it was little more than a blastocyst, just a little ball of cells that had implanted in her endometrium. But in a few more weeks it would have a heart beat and the organs would start developing and then an abortion would start to become a more painful and ethically challenging problem.

His chest contracted painfully thinking about how their baby would develop if left alone. He felt protective, he knew it was stupid but he wanted to protect that little ball of cells in her womb.

He shook his head, he needed to get a grip. The simple fact of the matter was that in order to have a baby you needed a willing mother, and Emma appeared to be anything but willing. She had asked him to help her through this and he would.

Later, while they were eating breakfast at the nook in the kitchen Emma apologized for what had happened in the bed that morning.

'It's okay,' he replied, not wanting to torture her more than she clearly was torturing herself. 'It's just that I can't do casual sex with you Em, if we're going to do it I need to know that it's for real.'

She nodded, but before she could say anything Tyler walked in the door.

'Dude, you are in so much shit,' Tyler told him with a sly grin on his face. 'Coach looked like he was about to birth puppies when you didn't show up for practice.'

'What did you tell him?' He knew that coach would have asked Tyler, he was his closest friend on the team and they lived together.

'Nothing, I told him that I didn't stay here last night so I didn't know where you were. You should probably call him, he's pretty livid.'

Sam was finding it difficult to give a shit if his coach was angry at him.

'Tyler, this is Emma. Emma, Tyler,' he introduced them to each other.

'Hey, nice to meet you,' Tyler said as he leaned over Sam to shake her hand.

'Yeah, you too,' replied Emma, she gave him a small smile.

'Can you do me a favor and turn my PDE homework in to Dr. Zimmermann's mail box today?' Sam asked him.

'Alright,' he said suspiciously. 'Where will you be?'

'We're going up to Berkeley, I probably wont be back until next week.'

Tyler's mouth dropped open. It was bad to miss one practice, but Sam was going to miss at least three. He may be the fastest swimmer on the team but he'd pretty much used up all of his good will with coach last fall, when he'd moved home to take care of Emma.

'Dude, I hope you're planning on telling coach because I can't cover your ass for that long.'

'Yeah, I'll call him, don't worry.' Sam got up and went to retrieve his homework from his room. He could hear them talking out in the kitchen.

'You swim?' She asked.

'Uh-huh.'

'What events?'

'50 and 100 breaststroke.'

'Huh. Maybe you could teach Sam.'

'Hey, I can hear you,' he called out, but he was smiling. She was such a little shit.

'Whatever Sam, you know your breaststroke is holding you back,' she called back.

'He's just in denial, he doesn't want to admit that he's an IM swimmer,' she said to Tyler.

'Is that right?' he replied, amusement in his voice.

Sam walked back into the room. 'Babe, I didn't even make a final in an IM event at worlds.' Tyler's eyebrows rose in surprise when he called her babe.

'Yeah, because your breaststroke sucks,' she said in a you-idiot kind of way.

He was surprised, 'You told me my breaststroke was awesome.'

'Yeah, a year ago, and that was in comparison to your back stroke, which I think we can all agree was appalling at that stage.'

Tyler started chuckling. He was leaning against the counter eating grapes out of the fruit bowl, clearly enjoying this conversation.

'Have you got something to add?' Sam asked him.

'No, I think she's doing a pretty good job on her own,' he said, his eyes sparkling with fun.

Sam shook his head, smiling. 'We've got to go Em, are you ready?' He asked her.

'Yeah, just let me pee,' she said as she slid out from her seat and walked away towards the bathroom.

Sam handed Tyler his homework. He grabbed the dirty plates off the table and started to wash them in the sink. Tyler was still leaning on the kitchen counter, watching him.

'So, are you going to tell me who she is?' He asked in a low voice.

'It's complicated,' he replied.

Tyler nodded. 'I like her, she's ballsy.'

Sam laughed, yes she was. Emma had always had a strong personality, it was something that he loved about her. She didn't seem to know the meaning of the word fear; how many people, let alone women, have the guts to do multiple-day running trips through the wilderness? That's why it had scared him so much lately to see her so shaken by their parents' reaction to their relationship. What was she doing taking valium? And now with this pregnancy she really wasn't acting like herself, he'd never seen her scared and frantic like she was last night.

'How long have you been together?'

Sam didn't know how to answer that question, or if he should answer it. Tyler was a good friend, he thought he could trust him, but what would be the point if Emma was just going to break up with him?

'She's my sister,' he admitted.

Tyler's eyes grew wide, 'THAT is your sister?' He asked. 'Your sister who fell and broke her leg?'

Sam knew what he was getting at, 'Yeah, she's my adoptive sister,' he clarified.

Tyler gave a low whistle and shook his head. 'I don't envy you brother.'

'What?'

Tyler looked unsure, 'Surely you must realize that she's gorgeous?'

Sam nodded, but he knew Emma's good looks were the least of her charms.

'To have to grow up in the same house, to watch her mature, to never be able to...'

'Hey,' Sam said sharply.

'Oh sorry, I got carried away,' Tyler said with a goofy grin.

'So you're going up to Berkeley for a few days?' He asked.

'Uh-huh.'

'Can I ask why?'

'No.'

Tyler nodded, 'Okay, but like I said, you've got to take care of coach.'

Emma came back into the room, her keys jangling from her index finger. 'Ready?' She asked?

'Yep.' Sam dried his hands and picked up the bag he'd packed.

'Nice to meet you Tyler,' she said giving him a genuine smile.

Tyler grinned back, 'It really was a pleasure for me Emma. I've never seen anyone put Sam in his place like that.'

She laughed, 'Well someone's got to do it, we don't want his head to get too big.' It was good to hear her laugh properly.

In the car he asked her if she was serious about his breaststroke. She told him that she thought it was less to do with his technique than it was the fact that he was carrying too much excess muscle in his shoulders. He thought she was joking at first, but she wasn't. 'I think it weighs you down,' she told him. 'Sure you need it if you're going to swim the 200 fly, but it turns into a burden if you want to swim anything else.'

Talking about swimming was a nice distraction. She told him that she really did believe that he had a better chance of medaling in the 200 or 400 IM than the butterfly events at the world championships, and that he should drop the fly from his program. It was difficult to hear, Sam loved the 200 fly, it had been his event since he was a kid.

After an hour or so she asked if he would take over driving. She was tired. Sam obliged and she promptly fell asleep in the passenger seat, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Every mile brought them closer to Berkeley, closer to the clinic. He could feel his anxiety level rising, this was going to be one of the most challenging things he'd ever done, to sit through this, to hold her hand and help her terminate the embryo that he wished so dearly to keep.