1. Racing From Love Ch. 16-18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

The exam room was small and sterile. They sat in metal fold out chairs as the doctor explained what was going to happen. Doctor Rebecca Fitzgibbon, she was patient and thorough. Her long brown hair was pulled back in an old fashioned metal clasp.

Sam held Emma's hand, she seemed nervous. It was a lengthy process, the doctor said Sam could stay for the pelvic exam but that Emma had to have counseling session one-on-one and sit by herself for 15 minutes before they could give her the first pill.

When the doctor asked if they had any questions Emma shook her head. Sam asked about the side effects, he asked if there were any studies that suggested that this treatment would reduce her chances of conceiving in the future, he asked how the drugs worked. It seemed to be quite safe.

Dr. Fitzgibbon left the room while Emma changed into the exam gown and sat on the exam table. Sam folded her clothes and left them on one of the chairs, he stood beside her and took her hand. She was clearly nervous, he was feeling the strain too.

'Do you want me to leave?' He asked.

'No, stay. If you don't mind, that is.'

The doctor came back in, she ripped open a sterilized package, and laid a long metal instrument on an exam tray. She squirted some clear lubricating jelly on a piece of gauze and put it on the tray too.

'Okay Emma, please lay back and put your feet up in the stirrups,' she asked as she folded metal extensions out of the table. Huh, he had never noticed those before.

Emma took a deep breath and did as she was asked. The doctor washed her hands in the little sink with the foot-controlled faucet. She had long thin fingers.

'A little lower please...'

She scooted lower on the table as the doctor dried her hands and donned surgical gloves.

'Okay, open your legs a little wider,' she asked as the gently guided Emma's knees apart.

'Alright, I'm going to insert a finger...' she scooped some lubricant in her fingers and disappeared between Emma's legs.

'... and now the speculum, this might be a bit cold...' he watched as she picked up the metal instrument and dipped back between Emma's legs. His nervousness was quickly giving way to curiosity. Still standing beside Emma, he raised up on his toes to try and see what was going on.

'...Okay, now I'm going to open the speculum, you might feel some pressure...'

He couldn't see anything, even on his toes. He looked down at Emma, she had a funny half grin on her face.

'You want to see don't you?'

'Maybe,' he was relieved that she seemed to be less nervous than before.

'Can Sam see?' She asked the doctor.

'Yes, that's fine,' Dr. Fitzgibbon replied.

He squeezed her hand before he let go of it to go around the end of the table.

Wow, the stirrups really exposed everything. He glanced over her familiar anatomy to where the speculum was holding her vagina open. The handle of the speculum rested downwards, on her anus.

'You'll have to bend down to see properly,' Fitzgibbon told him.

He bent down beside the doctor. She was wearing a sort of head lamp which shined into Emma's vagina, at the end of the reflective surface of the speculum was a purplish round bud with a little round dimple in the middle.

'That's her cervix?' He asked.

'Yes. We're looking at your cervix Emma, it looks healthy.'

'How so?' Sam asked.

'The surface is smooth and firm, there are no blemishes or bumps.

'Emma, you are definitely pregnant,' the doctor announced.

'How can you tell?' Sam asked.

Fitzgibbon smiled, she seemed like a nice lady. 'Emma indicated that she hasn't had any bleeding in four weeks. Usually at this time of her cycle the cervix would be soft and the os, that little hole in the middle, would be open in anticipation of bleeding. The fact that it is closed, firm and a little bluish in color indicates that she has conceived.'

'Why does it turn blue?'

'Increased blood circulation.'

'Because the endometrium is growing?'

'Yes, although after implantation the uterine lining is called the decidua.'

'How is that different?' He asked. He was fascinated.

'You are curious, aren't you?' she asked, smiling.

'Sam, are you bothering the doctor?' Asked Emma with an amused undertone.

'Sorry,' he said sheepishly, thinking that he might have overstepped the mark.

'It's not a problem, it's actually refreshing, usually when women bring their partners in they stand by their heads looking like they're about to pass out or throw up.

'In response to the hormone progesterone the endometrium thickens and becomes spongy, and that's when it is called the decidua. Later, some of the cells will become specialized and form the maternal side of the placenta.'

He had a million more questions but he thought it best to keep them to himself for now. He could always look up the answers on his own later. 'Okay, I'll stop asking questions now,' he said, smiling.

He stood upright and grinned at Emma from between her legs. He gave her the thumbs up, she laughed and rolled her eyes. She seemed to be a lot more relaxed.

'I'm going to close the speculum now... and now I'm taking it out.' Fitzgibbon seemed intent on keeping a running commentary of everything that she was doing. She placed the speculum back on the tray.

'Next I'll do the manual part of the exam. I'm going to feel your ovaries and your uterus. Just relax as much as you can, I'm going to insert two fingers now...'

Fitzgibbon slid two fingers into Emma's vagina, palm upwards. She used her other hand to press down on her tummy, feeling around.

'There is your uterus, it is a little swollen, as we would expect...' She moved the hand on her belly to one side and then the other. '... and your ovaries feel fine too.'

Sam was fascinated, could she really feel all of that? He wanted to try so bad, should he ask? Would Emma think that was weird? He'd already seen her cervix and that didn't seem to bother her.

'Can I feel?' He asked shyly.

'Sam!' Emma cried incredulously.

'What? It's not sexual, I'm just curious,' he explained. He could tell she wasn't upset, she was shaking her head but she was smiling.

'Doctor?' She asked.

Fitzgibbon smiled at him, 'Okay, wash your hands thoroughly and put gloves on, there are bigger ones in the second drawer.'

He did as she told him to, he felt nervous as he came to the foot of the bed.

'Okay, left hand, as if you were making a peace sign, but hold your two fingers together,' she demonstrated.

Sam copied her.

'Good, insert them slowly, palm upwards.'

He looked at Emma to get confirmation, she nodded. He looked down and slid his fingers into her. He couldn't really feel her vagina through the gloves, just the pressure from the walls and the warmth of her. He looked back up at her, she was watching him, her expression unreadable.

'Can you feel the cervix?'

There was a firm nub at the end of her vagina. 'Yes.'

'Good. Now, right hand, half way between the belly button and the opening to the vagina,' she showed him where to place his other hand and he followed.

'Now, with your left hand, gently push the cervix upwards, while pressing down with your right hand.'

He started to manipulate her the way the doctor had described when Emma yelped, 'Ow!'

Sam just about jumped out of his skin in terror, he pulled his fingers out of her and stepped back.

She was laughing, and the doctor was too, 'You should see your face Sam, you look like you may have just wet your pants!' Emma cried.

He couldn't help but smile. 'Not funny Emma,' he told her.

'Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. Try again,' she said as she tried valiantly to suppress her smile.

He stepped back up to her and reinserted his fingers and started feeling between her belly and her vagina. There was a firm mass, in the shape of an upside down pear.

'I feel it,' he said in awe as he gently felt around it. 'That's where the baby will... would grow,' he corrected himself, suddenly remembering why they were there. Emma's smile disappeared.

He let go of her and moved away.

'You don't want to feel the ovaries?' The doctor asked.

'I don't think so, not today,' Sam said quietly. The mood had changed.

'Well, that's it for the physical exam,' Fitzgibbon said. 'I will send in the counselor in a few minutes and then you will have to leave Sam. I will see you to confirm the miscarriage in two weeks Emma. Best of luck to you,' she said as she pulled the door closed.

Emma got up and used a tissue to wipe herself. He handed her clothes to her and she dressed in silence. They sat back on the cold metal chairs.

She was quiet, probably nervous. He felt the weight of their reality settle back on his shoulders.

'You okay?' He asked.

She nodded but didn't look at him.

He didn't know what to say, what to do. How could he make this better for her? Before he could decide what to say there was a knock on the door and the counselor came in, who asked him to leave.

Sam got up, and bent over to kiss Emma on the forehead. He squeezed her hand and she made eye contact with him. Her big brown eyes were dark with fear. What could he do?

He leaned in close to her ear and whispered, 'It's okay Emma. I'll always love you, no matter what.'

He squeezed her hand again and tuned to leave. As he closed the door he looked up to see that she was still watching him.

He paced back and forth in the waiting room. Every time a door opened he looked up, wondering if it was Emma. It took forever, he watched the minutes tick by on the clock. His stomach growled with hunger but he didn't want to leave until she'd come out of there.

Finally the door opened and it was her. He strode over and put his arm around her, her eyes were red and puffy.

'Come on, let's get out of here,' she said.

Once they were outside of the health center she turned to him. 'I couldn't do it Sam. Not yet, not before we talk about it properly first.'

Relief washed over him, he gathered her to him a in a bear hug and didn't let go for a long time.

They walked back to her car in silence. Sam was starting to feel better, even if he couldn't convince her to keep the baby he would at least get to have his opinions heard.

'Emma there's something that I have to tell you,' he said in a serious tone.

'What?' She asked, turning to him.

'It's just that you...' He pretended to search for words.

'What is it?' She asked, worried.

'...you have a very beautiful cervix.' He said with a big grin.

She laughed and punched him playfully in the arm, 'You big dork Sam.'

'I think Dr. Fitzgibbon would agree with me,' he told her. 'She saw it too.'

'Yes, I am aware of that,' she said rolling her eyes. 'Thank god we didn't get that awful woman I got yesterday, Johannsen was her name, she was a C-U-N-T,' she spelled it out.

'Well I guess that's what she specializes in,' he said.

She laughed again. It was good to see her laugh, everything seemed a little bit better when Emma laughed.

When he got off the plane on Sunday he felt both better and worse at the same time. On Friday she had told him that he didn't need to stay, but there were too many questions, too many things that didn't add up to him. Why was she taking valium? Why was she at the doctors office in the first place?

When she told him the whole story it had thrown him. The Emma that he knew was strong and capable; she could maintain her vehicle on her own, she could survive in the wilderness injured. The Emma he knew didn't need psychologists or psychiatrists. Sure, he had known that she had been depressed that summer that they didn't talk, but he had never really spoken with her about it, he never realized just how bad it had been for her.

It was a new dimension of her to understand. His love had a mental illness, a recurring mental illness. When he had time to digest it he realized that her insistence on getting treatment was really just another manifestation of her competency. To overcome the stigma of mental illness, to recognize and respect a flaw within yourself, it was a stunning achievement. It only made him love her more.

They hadn't made a decision about the pregnancy. He had laid his case out to her; he promised that he would take care of the baby, that he would raise their child whether she decided she wanted part in that or not. He promised that although it would be something that would bind them, it would not necessitate her staying in a relationship with him. 'I don't want to trap you,' he had told her.

She brought up the legal problems associated with them having a child together. He had suggested that she could tell the hospital that she didn't know who the father was so that his name wouldn't be on the birth certificate. 'But you wouldn't have any legal rights,' she had said. 'I trust you,' he had assured her.

Tyler picked him up from the airport.

'Is everything alright?' He asked.

'No,' Sam replied.

'Want to talk about it?'

Sam regarded his friend, Tyler had always been trustworthy, he played the idiot surfer-dude well but he was actually a man of intelligence and principles.

'We've been... together... since the beginning of last summer, although god knows I had wanted it for years.'

Tyler glanced at him, not taking his eyes off the road for too long. 'Uh-huh, I figured.'

'Our parents caught us over thanksgiving. Predictably, they threw a fit. Mom is pissed because she thinks it's morally wrong, dad is pissed because it's illegal.'

'And you are pissed because...'

Was he that transparent? He sighed. 'I am pissed because I don't give a shit what our parents think, I want to be with her, but she doesn't feel the same way. She thinks she needs to make a decision between us, it's them or me.'

'And she hasn't decided yet?'

'No. She was adopted, right? She feels like they saved her life and that she owes it to them to not break their hearts by running off with their only son.'

Tyler gave a low whistle and shook his head. 'Like I said, I don't envy you brother.'

'There's more... She's pregnant.'

'Shit.'

'Yeah, shit. That's what all that was about this weekend, she decided she wanted to have an abortion, while it's still small, you know? I begged her not to, in the end she decided to wait and think about it.'

'Wait, you begged her not to?'

'I love her,' he said matter-of-factly. 'As soon as she told me she was pregnant I knew that I love our child too.'

'That's a big deal Sam, a kid will be around forever.'

'I know.'

'I don't know what to say to you. Sounds like you are up shit creek without a paddle.'

There was a pause. Sam was surprised that Tyler hadn't made a big deal out of the fact that Emma was supposed to be his sister.

'You don't think it's disgusting?' Sam asked.

'Interesting yes, disgusting no.'

'Why interesting?'

'There's a theory in psychology, I don't remember the name of it but that says that children who are raised together imprint on each other so that they have a sexual aversion to each other later in life. It's thought to be the underlying motivation behind the incest taboo. Clearly both you and Emma either never felt that aversion or were able to overcome it. For one person to not imprint seems conceivable enough, but for both of you to not feel that aversion is... well it's remarkable.'

Sam thought about it. 'I felt it,' he said. 'When I first started having sexual thoughts about her. It freaked me out. It made me feel like a pervert.'

'Why did that change?'

Sam sighed, he felt tired. 'I tried to suppress it for the longest time, I wouldn't talk to her, wouldn't see her. I started dating Hortencia to try and get away from the thoughts I was having about Emma.'

'Urgh, I thought we agreed to never speak that woman's name again?' Tyler interjected.

'Nothing worked, she was always in the back of my mind. Then she had her accident and I thought she was going to die.' Sam closed his eyes when he thought of that awful night when he'd found her in the cave, the streaks of blood and dirt on the rocks. He shivered. 'At that point I just accepted that she was the one.'

'And what about when you broke it to Emma? Did she freak out?'

'No, she was the one who started it. The physical part of it anyway.'

'Amazing. You were raised together? Always?'

'Yeah, she's a day younger than me. Her biological mother had the hospital bed beside my mom, she died a few days after Emma was born and my parents decided to adopt her.'

'Hmm.' Tyler appeared to be thinking. 'Who named her?' He asked.

Sam thought about it, 'I don't know, I'd always assumed that her birth mother did.'

'That would make sense, but it strikes me as a very English name for an African American girl. Not to say that there aren't plenty of black people out there with English names, it's just that your family are from England, right?'

'Yeah, at least on my dad's side, I'm not sure about my mom's side, I think they're German.'

'What's her last name?'

'Who my mom? Holtzmann, why?'

'No Emma, if her mom lived for a few days after she gave birth surely you must know her last name?'

Sam had never thought about it before, Emma had always been a Watson to him. 'I don't know, I guess I never asked.'

'Well, no matter her name it seems that you are at her mercy now.'