2: Beneath Orion, Worlds Apart 01

You'll still be happy to know that I'm hitting the gym, with the little time I have. It actually helps keep my stress levels down, but I still hate those one-leg wall squats you showed me. My quadriceps hate you for that.

I know it is easier said than done, but please don't worry about me. My training was excellent, and my crew is absolutely amazing. Our pilot has been doing this for a very long time; he has almost seven hundred combat hours. Our Lieutenant is new, but he's like a sponge. His capacity to learn and retain is even better than mine, and I cannot say that about many people. I do not say that to brag, I think you know that. I hope you know that. Maybe I didn't phrase that right. Anyway, I'm rambling. Our flight engineer also has a lot of flying experience; in fact, he used to be a C-130 loadmaster so he has been all over the globe in a past life. I'll be ok out here.

I know I have been awful at writing you, and I feel guilty for my lack of correspondence. Despite my shortage of words or phone calls, please know how special you are to me. You hold a piece of my heart, and no matter what happens, you always will. No one could ever replace you, and no one could ever make me feel the way that you do.

By the way, I still have the pictures you sent me. You are an absolutely gorgeous woman, Kaylee, and those beautiful pictures serve to remind me of that. Sometimes I still wonder why you allow me to be a part of your life. I think my favorite is the one with you sitting on my Challenger, wearing your white tank top, tight blue jeans and brown leather boots, your head tilted to the side. You looked every part the country girl, which was fitting since we took that picture out in the countryside. Your smile was absolutely adorable. No, it's more than that. I can't explain it, but every time I see that smile in the picture, it's like a spark that keeps my heart beating. It's what gives me life and keeps me motivated.

I pull all of those pictures out of my locker before every flight just so I can look at you and remember why I'm doing what I'm doing. Your picture reminds me about what we are fighting for, and whom I am protecting back home. When I look at you, everything seems to make sense again. You pull me out of the combat environment, even if only for a few seconds.

There is a tremendous force of evil out here, and if they had their way, they'd stop at nothing to cripple the United States and destroy everyone and everything within her borders. So, in a way, I hope you think of me as your protector. Maybe even your knight in shining armor?

Luke took a deep breath again, surprised at how easily the words flowed off of his fingertips. For a brief moment, he almost forgot he was in the middle of a war zone in the Middle East. It was more like being stranded on a deserted island, knowing Kaylee was somewhere out there, marooned on a different island. And there was nothing else between them except the bright blue sky and the boundless ocean; nobody else existed. He would find her some day, but for now he would have to wait.

But there was a nagging feeling deep in the back of his mind, and it was beginning to resurface. It was a nagging guilt for the way he left Kaylee. Sure, she had blown up on him almost two years ago and had since begged for forgiveness, but despite his immense love for her, he had never forgiven her.

Running his hands through his short hair, bowing his head, he stared back intently at the computer screen. He swallowed hard, remembering the amazingly wonderful times he had with Kaylee, as well as the moments of incredible pain she had caused because of her lack of trust and unrestrained temper. It was a combination of the two that caused him to become so distant. He didn't want her any less, but his pain manifested into a protecting wall, isolating the one he loved.

Kaylee, I am so, so sorry that I never forgave you. I find it ironic that I waited so long that now it is I who must beg for forgiveness. I want you to know that of course I forgive you, and in turn, I pray that you would accept my humble apology. I regret so much that it took me almost two years and twelve thousand miles to tell you this.

I don't know why I couldn't tell you in person. Maybe it was because I was hurt so badly. It hurt that you didn't trust me. It hurt that you couldn't restrain your temper, not even for me. It hurt that you thought I would put someone else above you and knowingly miss your play, the play that you practiced so hard for. By the way, just so you know, I snuck in the last night of the play so I could watch you even though you originally told me not to go (before you knew about the car accident). So sue me. You were the most elegant, graceful fairy queen to ever take the stage, and you had me lost in the moment of the play. I enjoyed every moment. But I'm getting a little off track here.

What I'm trying to say is that you hurt me so much that I didn't want to risk exposing myself just to be hurt again. I think that is why I avoided you. I really believe that if you were to hurt me a second time, you would destroy me; you have that kind of power over me. Well, a third time I guess, if you include the Bradley incident. That seems like ages ago.

Ok, so now I am rambling. Again. Let me get to what I really wanted to say.

Luke shook his head, thinking about the words he was prepared to type, potentially setting up the biggest mistake of his life. "You're going to regret this," he warned himself with a quiet whisper, fully aware his fingers were already typing.

Kaylee, I love you. You are still my radiant angel. Am I still your cowboy, I wonder? Again I apologize in advance that my first confession of love to you has to be written down, but I think it is important for you to know. I do not know if you are seeing anyone or if you even still care about me, but I had to tell you how I feel about you. Even if you do not feel the same way, you are my best friend, and I would never in a million years risk jeopardizing any kind of relationship -- friendship or otherwise -- that we have with each other. So please, do not let me scare you off with those three small but powerful words. You will always be my best friend, and hopefully I will always stay yours.

No matter what.

Your cowboy, your Luke

For some reason, Luke breathed easier, having released an enormous weight off of his shoulders by forgiving Kaylee and confessing his feelings to her, but he also felt a great deal of sadness. He wished he had chosen to handle it differently before he left, but the past was the past and he couldn't change it.

A thought occurred to Luke just as he was preparing to hit the send button. Instead of sending it electronically, he decided to print out the draft message of the unsent email. Luke quickly logged out, grabbed the paper off of the printer and walked to the help desk.

"What can I do for you, Airman Patton," the Sergeant behind the desk asked him, reading the nametag on his uniform.

"I was hoping you might have a pencil, paper, envelope and a stamp? I need to send a letter to someone back home in California."

II -- Letters from the Homefront

It was almost physically painful for Kaylee to be without Luke -- or at least that's what she convinced herself. And that was before graduation. She had no idea what she was going to do when he left to join the Air Force.

She made it a point to spend every remaining moment with Luke, even though she wanted to turn and run. Whenever Luke was near, the thought of his inevitable departure loomed over her head and it hurt; it hurt a lot.

As each day passed by, the sting of reality pierced her a little deeper, knowing they were running out of time together.

But despite the ache she felt, Kaylee wasn't willing to waste a single minute without her cowboy. Not if she could help it. Each night Kaylee dreaded going to bed, and often made Luke stay out late with her, even if she was too tired to talk. More than once she laid her head on his shoulder, holding his hand while the swaying rhythm of the porch swing gently rocked the young couple to sleep.

All it took was one blink and before she knew it, prom and graduation sailed on by and Luke was out the door, catching an airplane to somewhere in Texas for Basic Training.

Kaylee had seen enough movies about Basic Training to understand Luke was going to be too busy to write or call her, but the moment he finished training and arrived at his Squadron, she opened up all forms of communication from letters to phone calls to video chat. She had even planned to fly out there and visit him, but his unit was ramping up in preparation to deploy to the Middle East.

Their video chats were awkward, for some reason. She looked forward to each and every one, and knew Luke did too, but she could tell he was still processing his life outside of California. Kaylee wasn't sure how to handle that. Most of their face-to-face conversations involved everyday conversation like which classes she was taking or what he did at training; basically the generic stuff one might tell a distant friend.

To make up for it, the letters she sent were more intimate and personal. While she couldn't seem to open up and tell him the pain and heartache she felt to his face, she was at least more comfortable pouring out her emotions on paper, working through her feelings and daring to risk revealing her heart to him.

On more than one occasion, Kaylee put on her makeup and dressed up as nice as she could, showing off new outfits, favorite shoes, and best smile while Audrey took a countless number of pictures. Audrey swore her finger was developing a blister from constantly snapping away.

A couple times Kaylee was brave enough to pose for what Audrey called "PG-13" pictures. The first time, she wore a brand new white string bikini she recently purchased at the mall. Then there was the time she put on a little black dress she knew would drive Luke crazy; it was so short that all of her secrets were revealed when she simply bent over. Even without bending over, her garters were easy to spot in the picture, subtly sticking out an inch or two underneath her dress, clinging to her black stockings. It wasn't exactly the kind of dress you wore out of the house, at least not without earning a certain reputation.

Kaylee smiled, thinking of how fast Luke's heart would race as she printed out the pictures, and wrote "I love you, cowboy" on the back before sticking them in the envelope along with the letter. No way she was sending these through email where anyone could intercept them.

Sure, she was flirty in the letters, but Kaylee wanted to convey to Luke that more than anything she was still his girl and would wait for him as long as it took. She'd wait forever if she had to. Her body was in California, her head was somewhere between her college classes and the clouds, but her heart was with Luke in Texas, and then to the Middle East, and wherever else Luke might be sent.

---

Kaylee had been waiting by her apartment door, watching through the window, just waiting for Audrey to show up. Holding Luke's letter in her hand, she was absolutely ecstatic and couldn't wait to tell Audrey what he wrote. Before Audrey could open the door, Kaylee flung it open and greeted her best friend with a leaping hug, almost knocking her over. She held Luke's letter in her hand and began jumping up and down.

"Luke wrote me! Luke wrote me," she exclaimed excitedly, loud enough to hurt Audrey's ears.

"Not just one of his blah-boring emotionless emails -- don't get me wrong even those I look forward to -- but this one he wrote one by hand and sent it through snail mail," she cried out with tremendous exhilaration.

Audrey just looked at her, peeling her clingy friend off of her. "Uh, that's great Kaylee. Hate to break it to you, but most guys write to the girls they love."

Kaylee looked at Audrey the way she might have a toddler that didn't understand a word she was saying. "You don't get it. We never really got back together, and he never really forgave me for what I did... you know, back when," she bashfully said, unable to verbally address her embarrassing moment of uncontrolled anger, accusing Luke of missing her high school play on purpose.

Kaylee spouted rapidly, "But get this. Not only did he forgive me, but he actually opened up to me, which you know Luke is incapable of unless he lets his feelings accidentally leak out in a normal conversation."

Clearing her throat, she continued, "H-he... he said he LOVES me!" Kaylee stomped her feet and let out a squeal of excitement. "Do you know how rare it is for Luke to drop the L-bomb? It's the first time he said it since he left. I was starting to wonder if I'd ever hear him say it again."

Kaylee could tell that her best friend was slowly processing the significance of the letter. "Plus," she added, "he's staying safe, and it sounds like he's flying with a bunch of good guys."

Kaylee shuddered, "I just can't believe he's flying military helicopters in a combat zone. He told me this was his purpose in life, but I still can't help feel like I drove him away. If I never went off on him, maybe he never would have joined the Air Force and left and he would have had a nice job as a banker or an accountant, wearing a nice suit and tie, and we could have had like twenty babies like you said and..."

"Stop," Audrey said, interrupting her rambling speech. "Luke's a big boy. We won't know what would have happened, but I think all of us expected great things from him." Audrey shrugged, "I think most of us expected him to do some kind of computer thing at USC that would change the world of technology as we know it, but he surprised us all by taking a much different, but much nobler route. If he wrote you a letter as touching as you say he did, then that means he cares a great deal about you."

Audrey added with a haughty smile, "I know you two love each other, even if both of you are too blind to see it."

Kaylee started to say something, but Audrey silenced her and continued, "My point is, I'm glad he's finally starting to open up to you. You can take advantage of it, too; if you want to help out G.I. Joe, he will listen to whatever you have to tell him. You can't close the distance between you two, but you can still reach his heart despite the thousands of miles between you two. He won't be over there forever, you know. And while he is, you can be there to support him."

It was obvious that Kaylee listened to Audrey intently, transfixing her eyes on her, soaking up every word.

"You can make a difference to your hero, Kaylee, even while he's over there and you're over here."

Kaylee gave her a nervous smile, not sure if she was ready for that kind of pressure.

"And look on the bright side. When you Skype with him, all you have to do is put on a little makeup and do your hair. He'll never know you're wearing your ugly, dirty old sweats!"

Kaylee laughed, "Maybe there is an advantage to dating over Skype. Uh, if you call whatever we are doing dating, anyway."

Rolling her eyes, Audrey pushed her way through the open door and said, "Oh, please. Let's go inside so you can write him a letter and so I can raid your fridge. Do you have anything today other than your nasty health food? I miss the days when you had cold pizza in boxes just lying around your bedroom. Whatever happened to that girl, anyway?"

"Hey! That girl grew up. Just so you know I had Ezekiel bread, a banana, and Greek yogurt this morning for breakfast. It tasted great, and it was uber-healthy. Lay off," Kaylee laughed. "Besides, I'm doing it for Luke, too. I plan on knocking him out when he comes off of the airplane in that military uniform of his."

As Kaylee started to daydream, off in her own little world, she faintly heard Audrey sigh from the kitchen, saying, "What's a girl have to do to get a chocolate chip cookie around here?"

---

My darling, amazing, wonderful Luke, Kaylee began from her desk, letting her thoughts and emotions flow out through the tip of her pen.

You have no idea how excited I was to get your letter! At first, I was a little hurt that you hadn't been replying very much to my emails. But your letter showed up in the mail, completely surprising me. It was like getting the best present in the world for Christmas! I felt like a kid all over again. Sometimes I forget how busy you are over there, but then I remember you don't always have a chance to write me which makes this letter all the more special.

Luke, I am so glad you opened up to me in your letter. And I am so grateful you forgave me! You said in your letter that you should be asking for my forgiveness since you waited so long to accept my apology, but the fact is I deserved to wait that long. In fact, you don't even owe me an apology. You never have. What I did was terrible and rotten. I cried nonstop for days, and only had myself to blame. You are the one person in my life that has never hurt me out of selfish motivation, and I know you never will. I don't think you are even capable. I can never thank you enough for that.

You've always treated me like a princess, even though I've never deserved it. You see something in me that I'm not so sure is really there, but I'm trying to believe you.

Luke, thank you again for your forgiveness. A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I still feel awful about that horrible, horrible night. I'm not sure what I feel worse about; the way I treated you, or the fact that I wasn't there for you when you were injured. I still remember naively thinking everything would be all right once I showed up at your house; I thought your phone had been lost or destroyed in the crash. My stomach turns whenever I think about that repulsive voice mail I left you.

I know I had a dreadful temper, but when you left me, it snapped me back into reality and even drove me to see an anger management counselor. I still have my moments, but I'd like to think I'm much better. Even Audrey has noticed I don't get as angry as I used to. The counselor thinks I internalize all of my issues, like my crappy relationship with my parents, and bottle it up. And then when I'm ready to blow, I completely explode and take it out on those I love the most -- you, Luke. I am so, so sorry for that, and pray I have the chance to make it up to you. You will never see me lose my temper with you again.

Anyway, I know I'm being long-winded and the last thing you need to worry about is my problems. Just know that no matter what, even oceans apart, I'll be there for you.

And how dare you think that I am seeing anyone right now, Luke Adam Patton! I am not, and I literally consider myself your girl. So get used to it!

Kaylee felt silly misting up as she neared the end of her love letter, writing the final sentences to her Airman. She paused to grab a tissue, dabbing at her eyes.

Picking her pen up once more, she tapped it against the desk, trying to think of the best way to close out her letter. It had to be special; she had to communicate how she truly felt about him. Kaylee decided she would accomplish that by responding to the lines in his letter that she cherished the most.

Luke, you will ALWAYS be my knight in shining armor, my cowboy, and my best friend. Not many girls can say they have someone like that in their lives. And just so you know I love you too, and no matter what happens, I always will.

Love,

Your radiant angel, Kaylee