23 and Who?

Kate and I were discussing the many challenges families now face with the advent of DNA testing. After reading a recent news story of one family's surprising results, we came up with the following tale. As always, all characters are figments of our imagination and have no connection to any living or dead persons.

"Let sleeping dogs lie" Ancient Proverb/Origin Unknown

23 and Who?

Jeb Philip's sister-in-law Barbara gave everyone in the family one of those kits to trace their ancestors. Her own family had all spit in a test tube and were excited with the results, turns out they were one-hundred percent Swedish/Norwegian; not a lick of any other blood. Barbara knew her husband's family were mutts and thought it would be interesting to learn how mixed up they were.

"It'll be fun!"

She had no idea - 'mixed up' can have so many different meanings. You never know how these things are going to end. But; Barbara is one of those women that can light up a room just by walking into it; so the entire Philips family did the spit-in-the-test-tube and were going to reveal the results right after Easter dinner.

Ma Philips, Haley, did it up right; the dinner table overflowed with an assortment of vegetables and other side dishes to accompany the great roast of lamb in Spanish rice. All family favorites.

Jeb's siblings, older brother Hal (short for Harold) and younger sister Marti were there with their spouses. Jeb had invited his current squeeze; but she bowed out to spend the day at her grandparents. The relationship was in its infancy, so they were lucky not to be required to eat twice on Easter.

Jeb's dad, Harold (Senior), did the honors by slicing the lamb and passing out a slice to the outstretched plates of each person around the family table. Even Marti took a slice, obviously over her two-year experiment with vegetarianism. With their plates filled, Hal said grace and Harold gave a toast.

"To the love and the kindness this family has shown each other."

If anyone noticed the tears falling from Haley's eyes, no one made mention of it. Haley had a habit of crying when she was happy, when she watched old movies or, on those rare occasions, when she was sad. The family was inured to Haley's tears.

When everyone finished eating, Hal and Jeb cleared the table; this was a custom in the Philips' house; Ma cooked with Marti's help, the boys cleared the table and filled the dishwasher. Jeb and Hal came back to the table to find everyone sitting with their unopened envelopes in front of their seats. The plan was to read the results and then dig into the banana cream pie for dessert.

As the envelopes were being opened, Haley got up from the table and excused herself. Everyone assumed she was going to use the bathroom and continued to read the results from the testing service. Harold read his first: ninety-five percent British/Irish, five percent Dutch. As soon as Hal opened his envelope, Barbara grabbed it from his hands, too excited to wait.

"I knew it! I knew you had an interesting mix! Forty-six percent British/Irish, twenty-eight percent French/German and twenty-six percent Iberian. That's Spanish and Portuguese, right?"

Barbara handed the printout back to her husband and leaned to her left to look at Marti's printout. "Almost exactly the same; except Marti has more French/German and less Iberian. What's yours say, Jeb?"

Jeb was staring at the printout; the look on his face showed the confusion raging in his mind. He looked up from the page to focus on Barbara's smiling face, then to his brother and sister sitting on each side of Barbara. He finally swiveled to the head of the table; his father was staring back at him; he couldn't read his father's eyes. The silence was interrupted by Hal.

"Did I just hear the garage door open? And where's Mom?"

Hal got up from the table and looked out the front window.

"Dad; Mom's pulling out of the drive! What the heck is going on?"

Marti pulled out her phone and dialed her mother's cell. Everyone was now staring at Marti as she waited for Haley to answer her phone. The room was quiet, quiet enough to hear Haley's voice when she picked up.

"I'm sorry, baby. Tell everyone that I'm sorry." And then the line went dead.

"Dad, what's going on?"

Harold looked like he had aged ten years in the last ten minutes.

"Jeb; why don't you read what the service sent you."

Jeb hesitated, did his father really want this made public?

"Go ahead, son."

"It says I'm fifty percent Italian, twenty-two percent Iberian and twenty-eight percent French/German."

Suddenly, Jeb remembered all the ribbing Ted Rizzo and he got in school because they looked similar. He looked at his father.

"Dad, did you know?"

The rest of the family sat in stunned silence, watching and waiting for Harold's answer.

"I started to suspect it when I saw you and Ted Rizzo standing close together on your junior high baseball team. It happened about the same time that Ted's mother and father split up. No one knew why they split; but it didn't take a genius to make an assumption that Ted's mother saw the same thing I did."

Harold addressed the others. "I hate to be rude; but I think Jeb and I need to discuss this alone; outside on the porch. Hal, Marti - I think you should give your mother a little time before you call her and when you do, please be kind. This is no time to drill her for answers. I have my own questions that I believe should be answered first. Please respect your mother's and my privacy. Jeb, grab your drink and let's head outside."

Jeb and Harold walked out to the porch and sat down; Jeb didn't wait to ask his first question. "So, is Mr. Rizzo my father?"

"Well, I'm your father; please don't insult the twenty-two years I spent raising you by denying me that title."

"Sorry, Dad. That came out wrong."

"Me, too. What I meant to say is just because I didn't contribute to your DNA doesn't mean you're not my son or that I don't love you just as much as I always have. But, to answer your question; maybe Rizzo is your biological father; I don't know. We'll have to ask your mother when she's ready."

"Where do you think she went?"

Harold actually laughed. "Where else? I suspect she's sitting on your Aunt April's sofa right now bawling her eyes out in her sister's arms."

"Dad, you said you started to suspect over twelve years ago. Why didn't you ever confront Mom and ask her about it?"

"A bunch of reasons. For one, I didn't want anything to come between you and me. By the time I began to suspect it, I was hopelessly in love with you as my son. I've always been proud of you and proud to be your father. I didn't want anything to change."

Harold took a drink from his whiskey glass and continued. "I hope you don't think any less of me as a man; but the second reason is I love your mother so damn much that I didn't want that to change either. As far as I could tell, your mother was in love with me. She showed me that love every day we were married. When I reflect on it; her love only intensified after you were born. If she had a fling with Ted's father, she tried to make it up to me for the past twenty-plus years. I was happy to let her."

"But if you liked the status-quo, why did you go along with Barbara's suggestion for the DNA tests?"

"Hell Jeb; you know your brother's wife. Do you think she'd ever let it go? That girl is so damn innocent, she never dreamt our family could have a skeleton in our closet. Your brother's a lucky s-o-b."

Both father and son laughed as Harold refilled Jeb's glass with two fingers of Wild Turkey.

"Besides; it was time to bring it to a head. Your mother and I have had a secret between us all these years and I wanted to know the who, what and why. I probably could have done it in a better setting; but I guess I got a case of the stupids. That, and I thought your mother would approach me with some answers before it got this far; I really didn't expect her to take off like that."

Now, the two of them sat and let the quiet of Haley's backyard fill their senses, neither saying a word. Haley's spring flowers: the white lilies, blue irises and multi-colored pansies graced the brick patio; it was truly a peaceful, beautiful space.

Ten minutes went by in silence before Hal stuck his head out the back door.

"Dad, Jeb; we're all going to take off unless you need us here. Marti tried calling Mom again, but it went to voice mail. You know Marti and Barbara; neither of those two could let it go."

Marti was standing right behind Hal when he said this and made her displeasure known by punching her oldest brother in the arm. Marti hugged her dad and then her brother Jeb; practically squeezing his breath away. There were tears in her eyes. Marti's husband shook everyone's hand and led Marti away. Barbara was next, repeating the sequence; hugging Harold and squeezing Jeb while kissing his cheek before Hal led her out the side gate.

Harold watched them leave and pointed Jeb to the patio chair. "Let's finish our drinks."

"I'd like you to do me a favor. Could you ask Ted if he knows how to get in touch with his father?"

Jeb looked over at his father. "Why? You're not going to do something stupid, are you?"

"No, not that it hasn't crossed my mind once or twice or... Sometimes I fantasize hurting him; but right now I just need to talk with him before I talk to your mother. That's the trouble with infidelity, Jeb; it robs you of the trust you have in your spouse's words and actions. Remember that, if and when you get married. You'll have plenty of opportunities to stray and you may think you can pull it off without hurting your marriage; but it always takes at least a little chip out of the relationship; no matter how inconsequential the betrayal may seem at the time."

"OK, Dad; as long as you promise. I'll give Ted a call tomorrow. Last I heard Mr. Rizzo was selling cars up north in Dallas."

"What are you going to tell Ted?"

"Let's wait till our family situation gets squared away. Then Ted and I will talk about our relationship. I expect Ted's always wondered himself; if he doesn't already know."

"Thanks; I'd like to surprise Tony Rizzo, if I can."

******************************************

Now that the lid was blown off the kettle, no one wanted to waste any time. Jeb called Ted Monday morning and after the usual catch-up, found out where Ted's father worked without revealing the why. Just two friends shooting the shit. "How's your mom? How's your dad? What are they up to?"

Tuesday at 3pm Harold Philips was knocking on Tony Rizzo's sales office doorjamb at the Lexus dealership where Tony worked. As Tony looked up from the papers on his desk; the old feelings were welling up inside Harold - the desire to punch this asshole right in the nose.

"Harold?" It had been over a dozen years and Tony couldn't think of a reason his old neighbor was standing in his doorway.

Harold took a moment to collect himself. "Hi Tony. I was wondering if you had a moment to talk. It's private, so maybe we could go somewhere a little less public."

Tony's thoughts were starting to catch up. "Sure. Let's grab a car and go for a ride." Tony grabbed a set of keys to a car and held the door open for Harold. They drove to a nearby park and got out without saying a word. Both men sat on the bench facing a small pond.

"I want to know about you and Haley."

Tony was still catching up; Harold's words weren't what he expected. His face showed the surprise.

"What do you mean - me and Haley? There never was anything between me and your wife."

Tony's attempt at deflection pissed Harold off. "What the fuck do you mean; nothing? Don't fuck with me, Tony. It doesn't take a genius to see Jeb and Ted are brothers and Jeb's DNA just came back; he's half Italian, RIZZO!"

Although the situation was hilarious to Tony, he was smart enough to realize it wouldn't be funny to Harold; after all, Tony had a dozen years to get used to the idea. Harold was only now going to learn the truth. Tony stifled the laugh.

"Geezus, Harold. Haven't you and Haley talked? It wasn't me that you're looking for. At first, I thought it was you banging my ex, Sofia. When I saw Jeb and Ted playing in the ballpark together, I figured they both had to be your sons, because I never touched your wife. In fact, I was ready to go down and kick your ass. Luckily, I picked a fight with Sofia first. Told her I was going to make you pay. That's when Sofia told me the truth. Paul Mazzetti is Ted's father; Mazzetti, that son-of-a-bitch that lived on the corner before he moved West."

Dad was stunned. "You mean Mazzetti was banging Sofia and Haley?"

"Sofia didn't say if she knew anything about Haley; although she suspected, I guess. What Sofia did say was Mazzetti was most likely Ted's father because they were having an affair when she got pregnant."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you and Haley seemed to be happy. I thought you two had a good marriage. Hell, I thought if I figured out about Ted and Jeb, you probably had. And who was I to make waves if you didn't?"

Harold had to think about this; but it did make sense.

"Harold, I'm sorry if you think I should have said something. After I found out I knew that Sofia and I were getting a divorce, I couldn't live with her betrayal; but I didn't want to be the cause of your divorce.

"Plus, let me confess to a more selfish reason. If you were nearby, you could keep a close eye on Ted. And you did that; half the reason he turned out to be a fine young man is your influence on him. I know that and I'll always be grateful for that."

It's true. After the Rizzo's divorce and until Sofia moved away three years ago, the boys became closer and Harold was almost a second father to Ted.

Tony watched Harold for a minute, watching him try to absorb this information.

"Kind of makes your head spin, doesn't it?"

"Spin? I'm ready to puke, I'm so dizzy. I can't tell you how many times I thought of beating the shit out of you and here you are, just as much a victim as me."

"I'm glad you're not one of those hot-heads, coming into my office with guns blazing."

"Well, now I have to find Mazzetti and have a talk with him. Any idea where he went to?"

Tony answered, "Mazzetti's dead."

"Dead? How?"

"Boating accident. He had too many drinks, went out on his boat on Lake Mead and fell overboard. Drowned."

The smile on Tony's face as he related Mazzetti's fate sent a chill down Harold's back. The smile was there for only a split-second before being replaced by a look of deep concern.

"Shame really. We both probably could have sued the bastard for child support or something. But, in the long run, it's probably better this way. I don't think either boy would want to connect with an asshole that goes around seducing married women."

With that, both men got off the park bench and walked to the car. As they drove back to the dealership, Tony asked what brought this up after so many years. Harold explained how the DNA tests precipitated it all, including Haley's flight to her sister's.

"It's none of my business, but what are you going to do now with Haley?"

"I guess with Mazzetti gone, I'll have to get my answers from Haley. I was hoping to hear both sides to the story; but all in all, I'm not saddened to hear the asshole drowned. Does Ted know?"

"No, Ted still believes I'm his sperm donor. I try to keep in touch with him, show him I care despite the divorce from his mom. Some days are better than others. One of us calls the other at least every other week."

Harold nodded. "Jeb knowing he's half-Italian will probably complicate things. He thinks he's Ted's half-brother and that you're his biological father. When I tell him the truth, he's bound to want more answers and it will eventually get back to Ted. You and Sofia might want to get ready."

Tony was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. He loved Ted and didn't want that to change.

"Can you ask Jeb to hold off a week? Give me a chance to talk to Ted?"

"You know I will; and I know Jeb will agree. Good luck, Tony - and thanks."

******************************************

By the time Harold climbed into his car and started the drive home, he was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. There was a sign for chain hotel before one of the exits as he headed south. Harold decided to pull over and get a room, whether for a few hours or the night, he'd decide later. With the key to a room in hand, Harold changed his mind about a nap. The Gentlemen's Club across the street seemed to be calling his name. He hadn't been in a strip club since his bachelor party almost thirty years ago. In fact, Harold had only seen one naked woman besides his wife in all those years. Time to fix that.

As Harold walked into the club, he almost turned around. "What the hell am I doing here?" But, he paid the cover and sat down in the rear of the room. A waitress wearing a skimpy costume took his drink order and he watched the surprisingly attractive woman on the stage, dancing in nothing but the smallest G-string possible. Harold was a little disappointed. The club wasn't a totally nude club, the dancers still covered their vaginas. Harold wanted to see a vagina, especially a shaved vagina; something he'd never seen in anything but girly magazines.

An Asian girl approached him and asked if he'd like a lap dance. Harold was tempted; but declined when he was told he'd get bounced out of the club if he touched her during the lap dance. Damn; how does any guy sit there while some broad with beautiful tits rubs them against your chest and her bare ass on your crotch?

A few more girls danced and stripped on stage as Harold sipped his drink; all the girls did a decent job of showing enthusiasm. Harold tipped each girl five dollars.

Harold ordered a second bourbon while he watched the Asian girl dance on stage. He couldn't believe a woman could bend herself in half like that. He walked up to the stage and put a ten-dollar bill in her G-string. Harold couldn't take his eyes off her; and she noticed. When she finished her dance routine, she approached Harold a second time.

"We can go in the back, the private room. We can be alone in there."

Harold looked at those perfect breasts, the curve of her waist and her perfect belly that led to the spot where her G-string was hiding what he knew would be a perfectly smooth cunt. He wanted to see that mound more than almost anything. He looked into those eyes. Why would any creature so beautiful need to make a living stripping and offering sex to strangers?

Harold would never know because instead of following the girl into the back room; he stood up, handed her another ten-dollar bill, mumbled, "thanks" and walked out the door.

Next door was a liquor store. Harold bought a pint of bourbon and went to his room.

******************************************

The following morning, Harold woke up with a splitting headache. He looked at the clock; damn, it was nine-thirty. His mouth tasted awful; no wonder, the last time he brushed his teeth was yesterday morning. Harold put on his pants and a t-shirt and walked to the office. He grabbed a tin of aspirin, a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and a cup of coffee before heading back to his room. The shower helped and within an hour he was feeling more human. He dialed Haley's number and was pleased when she picked up.

"We need to talk."

"I'm at work right now. When do you want to meet?"

"I can be at the house in an hour. Can you take the rest of the day off?"

"Why, where are you?"

Harold's headache was coming back and it was making him miserable. "Never mind where I'm at. Just tell me if you can be at the house soon."

Harold could hear Haley start to cry. "I'll be there. I love..." Harold had hung up.