4th Step Pt. 04: Liar

Hello. My name is Timothy. I am a sexual addict. I am engaging in my fourth step in recovery: A searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

Over the next three years, I found a place of my own. I had a new rule in my life. No more scumbag roommates. I still had a shit retail job but it paid enough to live in my simple apartment. I frequented local strip clubs two or three times a year. Whenever I had an extra $300 I went out and spent it on lap dances. I stopped asking the dancers out on dates after my third excursion. None of them wanted anything other than my money.

I was 32 and was trying my hand at online relationships. I could actually hold a girl's interest and have some good conversations through the computer screen. I didn't like full-blown chatrooms, but games with chat features suited me well. It was around this time I joined Facebook.

I was the first one from my immediate family to join. I found a few familiar faces from college, some extended family members, one person from therapy and some people from my early childhood. My family moved a few cities over when I was in 2nd grade. I tried stalking Kara, Carrie and a girl I had a crush on in college, but to no avail.

One of the early childhood friends was a female that now lived a couple of towns away from me. Heather and I exchanged a few correspondences. She said she was going through a breakup and setting out on her own. It took about a month before she invited me over to her place for drinks. Oddly enough she lived a few blocks away from one of my siblings.

It was interesting hearing what someone else had been up to. We spent the entire night just catching up on each other's lives. I didn't get specific with my relationships. I just said I was single and living on my own.

Heather said that her last boyfriend was abusive to her. She showed me a couple of bruises on different parts of her arms and legs. But then she immediately told me not to tell anyone because she didn't want anybody else to worry about her. My first thought was, "Who was I going to tell? I didn't know anybody else she talked to."

We hung out again the next week and she informed me that she told her family she was talking to me. They wanted to meet me sometime to see what I was up to. I agreed, but we never really set a specific time for it.

The week after that we went on an excursion with a group of her friends to some beer expo. She made sure to tell me again, not to talk about her abusive ex-boyfriend, because she hadn't talked to her friends yet. It was weird, but I agreed. Her friends seemed like good people. One guy in particular, Jim, seemed very close to Heather. He kept checking to make sure if she was "OK." I asked one of the other guys about it and he said that they used to be a couple about a year ago.

Another week later she invited me over to her place again for dinner. Jim was already there; he was installing some shelving for her. As soon as I arrived, Heather kicked him out. Jim looked at me like I was an asshole. At that point, I had a strong suspicion he was trying to get back together with Heather.

Once we were alone, we ate some food and watched TV on a two seat couch. We got to talking about personal things. Something I can't mention here. There were unpleasant stories on both sides. One of my big ones was that I wasn't talking to my parents at that time because of an argument.

We ended up hugging each other in a consoling thing. She was the one who started kissing me first.

We moved into the bedroom. She showed me scars from her weight loss surgery on her belly. I stroked the scars as we continued to make out on the bed. I was able to quickly move my hands up to her tits. She didn't resist at all so I kept going. I got the girls out and was giving them full attention. She also had anchor scars on her breasts from the surgery. But over-all they weren't bad.

I gave it about ten minutes before I tried shoving my hand down her pants. I got in and could feel her pubic hair, but she recoiled and said, "Hold up there. You're moving a little too fast." I relented and kept the rest of the night above the waist. I fell asleep once I got bored of sucking her tits.

In the morning I asked her what the deal was about Jim. She huffed and said, "We are never getting back together, no matter what he does. He had his chance."

"What did he do?"

"He dumped me because he wanted to smoke cigarettes."

I never heard such bullshit in my life. I guessed that she didn't want to go into whatever details really happened. I was willing to overlook it, because this looked like my first official girlfriend. I'd never been able to say that before.

She invited me to go to a Halloween party in two weeks with her friends again. I agreed. All of her friends gathered at one of their houses. She told me not to be open about what the two of us did the other week because she hadn't told her friends about us yet either. I was wondering how much she didn't tell her friends.

I drank more than I should have at the party. I did my best to mingle and not ruffle any feathers. Twice, Heather pulled me aside and we went into the backyard where we made out, beyond the view of the other partygoers. I wanted to know why I was some weird secret boyfriend. Were we dating or not?

Jim and his friend drove us home. Heather and I were in the back seat. She grabbed my hand and put it under the miniskirt she was wearing. I was too drunk to finger her and fell asleep for most of the ride home. When we were close to home, Heather shook me awake and whispered in my ear. "Pretend to leave and come back after they are gone."

I did as she said. We were all standing outside of her place. I said goodbye, got in my car and drove a block away. I was still able to see her place and Jim's car. About 3 minutes later his car took off and I came back.

I knocked on her door. She had already changed into a loose shirt and shorts. As soon as the door was closed, I walked her into the back wall and aggressively kissed her. I wasted no time in ripping her shirt off and dry humping her.

"Wait. Do you have protection?"

"Yep." Ever since our first night I had kept a condom in my wallet and even put one in the glove compartment of my car... just in case. I always try to be practical when I do things.

We went to her bedroom and she flopped back on her bed. She didn't rebuff me this time when I pulled off her shorts and panties. She kept her pubic hair full, but trimmed to half-length. It looked nice. I fumbled with the condom. I was still drunk. I didn't go for any foreplay. I just rammed my way in.

I was having problems with my clothes. I was having problems keeping my dick up. I was just having a lot of problems that night performing. I quit halfway through and passed out. Not my most glorious night. I soon after made another new rule for myself. No more heavy drinking on nights I was planning to have sex.

Needless to say I underwhelmed her that night. She said it was OK and happens to all guys. I knew the problem was just my general drunkenness and not anything else.

The next morning she said that her family still wanted to see me. She invited me to Thanksgiving dinner at her parent's house because she knew I wasn't going to see mine.

The next weekend Heather wanted to come over to my apartment. I cleaned up the place. We ate dinner and popped in a movie. This time I kept my drinking under control.

We made out on my bed. The clothes stayed on a bit longer, but not too long. This time we were both more passionate and hugging each other more than groping each other. I gave her breasts some respectable attention before moving onto her pussy. It was still just as I remembered it from Halloween. This time I decided to lick her until she was nice and ready. I couldn't find her clit that well and she never got wet. I didn't know what that was about. Carrie had a much more defined clitoris and I knew when she was wet enough for sex. Heather was mystifying me.

Soon enough, she gave me her own cue and told me to fuck her. I entered her and thrusted quickly and forcefully. I was trying to hard to overcompensate for my earlier failure. After only two minutes she told me to stop. She said she was hyperventilating. So I pulled out and asked if she needed a paper bag or something. Whatever she needed I would get it for her. She said she just need to relax for a second.

We finished the movie, I asked if she was ready for more, but she didn't want to have sex yet. I suggested that she catch some sleep then. She didn't fall asleep. We were both up for quite a while in silence.

Around 2 AM, we realized we were both still awake and naked in bed. I started diddling her with my fingers while sucking her tits. I increased the tempo of my fingers until she was moaning. I then proceeded to insertion of my middle and ring fingers. I finger-blasted her until she said "Stop" again. So I stopped. She seemed disappointed that I stopped this time.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. No. I mean, yeah." I just left it as a job completed. I didn't know what she wanted.

Over the next two weeks I stopped by her place a few times. We never got further than shirts off. She knew I liked sucking on her tits and was happy to provide that simple pleasure. I did notice that she got a new TV. I asked her about it and she said Jim gave her an old one he wasn't using. She then assured me that the two of them were NEVER getting back together. A nagging thought in the back of my mind said that the TV didn't look old to me.

She then asked me if I would be able to get off of work so that I could go with her and her friends to her parent's beach house. I don't call out of work and it was too late to request the day off. I apologized, but I said I would make it up to her the next week. It was going to be Thanksgiving that week and I had requested off the entire weekend. I was going to surprise her with 4 days of lovemaking.

She was cold to me the rest of that night and actually kicked me out an hour earlier than I had planned. She didn't contact me for the rest of the week or weekend. I saw pictures of the party posted on Facebook. It looked fun. There were a lot of pictures of her and Jim laughing.

She didn't text me or come online Monday or Tuesday. I called her Wednesday and asked her about Thanksgiving. I was going to tell her about my availability for the entire weekend.

She said, "What plans? We're not doing anything for Thanksgiving."

"I thought you said your family wanted to see me and to come over for dinner then."

"No. Why would I say that?"

"Umm... OK." What about Friday I was thinking of taking you out for dinner."

"I can't. I'm going away with friends this weekend."

"Oh. Where are you going?"

"I'm going with Jim and his sister to his family's cabin."

"All weekend?"

"Yes."

"What about tonight? Can I take you out for dinner?" I was getting worried at this point. Did she break up with me and just not tell me about it?

"No I have plans for dinner. I'm eating with Jim."

I said goodbye and hung up the phone. Every inch of me just wanted to punch a hole in the wall. Truth be told, I've never been so pissed off in my life. I got drunker than I've ever been. I spent Thanksgiving and the next four days alone in my apartment.

The next Monday I came over to her place. I wanted her to tell me to my face that it was over. She wouldn't. She reiterated that she and Jim were never getting back together and not to worry. She then told me to come over the next night for dinner.

I came over. We watched TV. I reached out to hold her hand and she pulled it away from me. I said, "What's going on? I thought we were still OK."

"No. We never had anything. So stop trying."

I walked out of her place. I had enough of this shit.

Heather tried contacting me several times on internet chat. Every time she gave me a bitchy attitude and complained about something benign I would say.

"Don't wear sunglasses! You shouldn't cover your eyes!"

"Don't say you're 'not bad!' That's a negative way of thinking!"

"Don't shop in x-mart! Only jerks go there!"

And then there were meaner conversations. The worst one being when she matter-of-factly stated that she happened to run into my father the other day and he said that he had given me up for dead. This bitch was really trying to get inside my head.

I stopped turning on my messenger. I didn't need this kind of mind fucking.

I made it past Christmas with almost two weeks of not interacting with her. Heather called me up a couple of days before New Years. I reluctantly answered the phone. She said she missed me and really, really, REALLY wanted me to come to her New Year's party. I wanted to tell her to fuck off in so many ways. I didn't. I decided to give her one more chance.

The second I arrived at her apartment I was greeted by Jim. When I saw Heather I asked her if everybody was meeting here or if they were showing up at the shore house.

"What do you think I have room up here for everyone? God!" She gave a knowing look to Jim.

I should have walked right there. I knew this was not going to be a fun night.

I rode in the backseat with Jim and Heather in the front. Two things were now obvious to me. The two of them were together again. And I was not welcome to this party. Why did this bitch invite me so earnestly?

We got to the shore house. The friends arrived. They all treated me like a complete asshole. Only one of the guys was friendly towards me. I pulled him aside and asked if I wasn't welcome here for a particular reason.

He told me, "Heather invited a girl to set you up with. But she pulled out at the last minute."

"So now she's stuck with me and doesn't want me around?"

"Pretty much."

I shouldn't have come. I really shouldn't have left my wallet and cell phone back in my car. I was stuck here. Hitchhiking became a very real option to me.

I drank until I threw up, then I passed out. If nothing else, I wasn't going to cause a ruckus. I just wanted to disappear and be done with this night. I woke up during the midnight celebration. I ducked into one of the bedrooms to sleep off the rest of the night. It had two beds on opposite sides. I picked the one by the window.

I was awakened a few hours later to see Heather and Jim on the other bed fooling around. I went back into the main living room and sat on the couch again. I didn't fall asleep this time. I was too angry. I raged in silence until everybody left and the house was cleaned up. I didn't say anything on the ride home. I didn't say goodbye to Heather. I shook Jim's hand told him, "Bye."

Somehow, when all was said and done, I was the "bad guy" in this situation. I can only imagine what lies were associated with my name. Heather was nothing but a psychopathic liar. It was the last time I physically saw her, but I made a mistake still keeping her as a friend on Facebook.