4th Step Pt. 05: The Painful Truth

Hello. My name is Timothy. I am a sexual addict. I am engaging in my fourth step in recovery: A searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

I started out the new year with a new attitude. I quit one shitty retail job to take a management position in another shitty retail job. There was also a determination to make an earnest effort to get a real girlfriend.

In my new job, there was a girl at work that was being stalked by some guy on Craigslist. I had heard about Craigslist, but never went to the site. That night I went on to see what was going on. This guy kept posting for my employee saying how much he loved her and what part of her body turned him on that day. I found it humorous because this guy had no idea how creeped out the girl was by it.

The evil side of me still wanted to say F.U. to some people at my previous job. I jokingly posted a fake ad in the M4M missed connections. I created a story of an employee in my previous job that blew people in the men's room. I gave just enough description so people would know exactly which asshole at work I was talking about.

I laughed at my cleverness, but the joke was ultimately on me. Over the next 24 hours, I received over 50 emails from every gay man in a 20 mile radius. All of them telling me how hot the story was. Some of them claiming to be the man involved. Every single one of them sent me a picture of their dick and told me to get back to them so we could have some fun.

I humbly deleted my post and all the emails. I then set out to use Craigslist for dating purposes. I put out a real ad in M4W seeking relationships. I got 2 responses. Both of them spam trying to get me to sign up for dating sites. I posted an ad every day for the next 4 days with the same results. So I went into the W4M section and started reading some ads. I responded to a few. I usually sent in a head shot of myself with my response. Most of them came back trying to get me to join dating sites again.

But there was one response that looked genuine. Her name was Sarah. She was 26, new to the area and single. Her ad had already been flagged and deleted but she said she was a couple of towns over from me and would like to meet me. I arranged to meet her at a location near her and made plans for dinner. She didn't send me a picture, but did describe herself as slightly overweight. I didn't really care about the weight. I just wanted to meet someone.

I drove 30 minutes to a mall near her and picked her up. Seeing her in the flesh did make me hesitate a second. She was a little more than overweight. She was well over 300 pounds. Then again, I have jerked off to fat porn. I figured this was a way to see if it was any good or not in real life. Why not?

We had a nice dinner. Got to know the basics. I told her about my problems posting ads that nobody would reply to. She said that she got way too many replies. Her inbox had almost one hundred of them.

I had to ask, "Why did you pick me out of all the guys that responded?"

"Because you were the only one that didn't send me a picture of your dick."

"Ahh. I know what you mean." I said it before I thought about what I was actually saying. She gave me a puzzled look. I had to give her the explanation about my revenge at the old workplace.

We watched a movie that was way too serious for a first date. But we got through it. I dropped her off at her place and got a good kiss on the doorstep.

Sarah wanted to meet me again two days later. This time I picked her up and brought her to my apartment. We had some takeout and put in a movie. I had a very small place and my bed actually doubled as my couch. So I already had her in my bed when we started making out. She wasn't very good at kissing, but she seemed to like my technique.

Soon we were laying side-by-side on the bed kissing. Sarah was on her back and I was on my side. I was rubbing her stomach with my right hand as we kissed. I eventually slid my hand upwards and cupped her left breast. She gave out a muffled moan. Her breasts weren't large. They were a respectable B cup if I had to guess. They were more wide than they stuck out. But that was more due to her body size.

I unbuttoned the top few buttons on the polo shirt she was wearing and slid my hand inside of her shirt. I skipped right past the bra and grabbed the fleshy, bare breast within. I quickly found the nipple and rubbed it between my thumb and forefinger. She moaned louder through the kissing.

I pulled back from the kiss. I lifted the breast out as far as it could go and pulled the neckline of her shirt down with my other hand. Once the nipple was exposed I bent down and put my mouth on it. I gave her breast a good, deep suckling. My dick was now hard and I was grinding against her legs.

"I'm still a virgin. I don't want to go all the way yet."

I let out a smacking sound as I relinquished her nipple. "That's OK. But I love tits so I hope you don't mind if I help myself here." I went back down and took her nipple in my mouth again.

"Unh. That's fine."

I pulled her shirt up and took it off without resistance. The bra was a bit of a challenge. The thing was heavy duty and had clasps like I'd never seen before. She had to take it off for me. I went into my dual breast technique of my mouth taking care of one breast while my free hand stimulated the other one.

The movie had ended and I got up to put another one in. When we resumed positions Sarah started grabbing my dick through my pants. I unzipped my fly and let her have free access with her hand. She was groping it like she was testing out what it could do. What it felt like. What it was capable of.

I figured what was good for her was good for me. I was still sucking on her tits, but I used my free hand to unbutton and unzip her pants. I bypassed the underwear again and went right to her vagina. She was unshaven. I felt my way to where the clit should be. I couldn't feel it, but I gave the area a good amount of stimulation. I ran my finger down over her vagina and she was completely wet. My finger slid right in.

"Ow! I'm not ready for that."

I apologized and went back to rubbing her clitoral area. Every now and then I would slide my finger down to grab some moisture and bring it up to the clit. The wet fingers were much more effective.

I eventually pulled her pants down all the way and administered oral sex. Her vagina smelled strongly like an unwashed armpit. I'd definitely had worse. I thought back to my first time. Carrie had taught me to lick letters and tell a short story in a pussy. It takes a good amount of time and gets you in all the weird places. I spread her hole open wide and I didn't see anything that looked like a hymen. I'd seen pictures online about what one should look like and I didn't see anything. I only saw her hole going all the way in. After performing for a good chunk of the movie I came up and lay back down on the bed next to Sarah.

She got into position to give me a blow job. She didn't know what to do. I tried to give her some pointers, but she got tired after about a minute and a half. She got back next to me and said she wanted to get me off. We settled on mutual handjobs. She grabbed my dick and jerked it while I put my fingers on her clit again.

I eventually came and we sat in silence for a bit. I asked her if she had really never been with a guy before.

She said, "Well technically no. I mean I was, but it was against my will. I don't want to talk about it."

I left it at that. I wasn't going to pursue the subject any further. Sarah's eyes teared up and she started crying. I consoled her as best I could and decided it was best if I drove her home. A 1 hour round trip. I wasn't too happy with the distance. If this was going to be a constant thing, it was going to be a pain in the ass.

For the next few days, she HAD to see me every single day. She didn't drive, so it was up to me to make two 1 hour round trips every day to pick her up and bring her to my place. She lived with relatives, so we couldn't really fool around over there.

Each day we got closer to fucking. We rubbed genitals through underwear. We went down on each other. I was able to get my finger inside of her vagina all the way and wiggle it around. After the fifth day together, I found myself on top of her. We were both completely naked. I asked, "Do you want me to?"

She nodded her head. I pushed the head of my dick inside of her. She yelled, "Stop!" She immediately started crying. I pulled out. I consoled her again. I brought her home. She said she hated herself. I told her it wasn't her fault and I wouldn't push her if she wasn't ready.

In the meantime I had friended Sarah on Facebook. We set our relationship status to in a relationship with each other. I got a snarky response from Heather saying, "Well that was fast." I ignored it. I still hated that bitch with a passion. I thought about just deleting her from my friends, but I didn't.

The next day I picked her up from work. She said she wanted to shower in my place before we did anything. I led her to the bathroom; she knew where everything was. I switched on my TV and heard the water turn on in the shower. My perv switch activated. I always wanted to know if you could see someone in my bathroom through the keyhole. I went over to the door and peeked through the hole. Sarah was pulling off her panties. It really turned me on. I'd seen her naked before, but the spying made me really hot. I rubbed my dick through my jeans as I looked at her wide ass.

She got in the shower and closed the curtain. I stood up and thought about jerking off while she was showering. Then a thought occurred to me. What the hell was I doing being a creep? Go in there and get some. I jumped out of my clothes, opened the bathroom door, pulled aside the shower curtain and hopped in with Sarah.

She smiled and seemed happy to see me. I grabbed the soap and lubed up both of our bodies. We kissed and hugged and groped while our slippery bodies mashed into one another. My dick was sticking straight out and pushing right into the folds of the front of her vagina. I turned her around and soaped my hands up. I slid my soapy hands between her ass cheeks and got her as slippery as possible. I reached in between her legs and soaped up her entire slit. I made sure every inch of her was clean.

After we rinsed the soap off of each other and toweled off, we went right to the bed. She landed legs spread and I jumped right in between her. I moved myself up to kiss her when she went, "Ahhh!" I could feel my dick was completely warm and wet.

"Am I inside of you?"

She nodded up and down really quickly. I was about to pull it out but she stopped me. "Keep it in. I need to do this."

I nodded solemnly and proceeded to very slowly move myself up and down inside of her. I watched her face very carefully to make sure I wasn't hurting her too much. After a couple of minutes she said that she loved how it felt inside of her. It was just the entering that was causing her pain. I made sure to keep my dick inside of her and pumped my groin at a slow and steady pace. Once I felt my ejaculation coming I pulled out of her and came on her stomach.

By this point I had heard about Carrie trying to become pregnant and I was much more cautious about my semen. I made sure from then on to always have condoms at the ready.

I didn't drive Sarah home that night. We slept until late morning.

The next night we had sex again. Sarah wanted to be on top. I let her, but I had to move her after about thirty seconds. I said I was uncomfortable. She kept pushing me about what was uncomfortable. I tried to be diplomatic about her weight, but she set off crying anyway. She demanded I drive her home.

The next few weeks it was like she kept finding excuses to cry at things I would say or do. I was feeling awful about everything and most times I don't even know what I did that was wrong. We stopped having sex, but she wanted to see me every single day. It was really grating on me to drive two hours every day and end up with a girl that was reduced to tears because the radio station broke up a little bit during one of her favorite songs.

I was getting sick of her. After those two weeks I was ready to just break up with her. Then she hit me with a bombshell. She was late on her period. She asked me if she was pregnant, what would I do. I knew that she was bullshitting me and was giving me some weird woman test. I figured that this was as good a time as any. I said, "I'd probably just push you down the stairs."

As expected, she got upset and called me the meanest person in the world. She said that she did get her period and she was glad she wasn't stuck with my child.

And to top off that argument, Heather chose that night to post on my Facebook wall for all to see, "Hey. Come over to my place this weekend."

Sarah called me up and went ballistic. Screaming that I was cheating on her with my Ex. We broke up that night.

Sarah called me the next day and said she wanted to see me. I reluctantly went. I figured I should give some form of apology and explanation for everything. Instead she paid for dinner and said she wanted me in her life, but as a friend. She said she wanted me to be her best friend from now on.

The next day Sarah posted on her Facebook that she was in a relationship with another guy. She accentuated that with, "I'm so happy with my new man."

I was done. Fuck the dating scene. I deleted both her and Heather from my Facebook. Good riddance to women and their stupid dating games.