8. Other People's Hearts Ch. 15

Lindsay read Oliver's text with trepidation.

"Landed. B home in 45"

Thunder boomed outside the kitchen window as black clouds crept ominously across the sky.

"K. C u soon" she texted back.

Her stomach churned. She had been both dreading and looking forward to this day for over a week now. She didn't know how it was going to go.

Oliver had been making a big effort to stay in touch with her while he'd been in California. They texted and talked on the phone daily. He'd been warm and considerate. He kept on talking about how he couldn't wait to see her.

She wanted to see him too. She wanted to forget the past couple of weeks had ever happened. She wanted to bury Sylvia and hope and pray that she would never resurface. She wanted to go back to the dream of the summer that had suddenly passed.

But she didn't know if she could do it.

Deep inside Lindsay thought Oliver's heart still belonged to Sylvie, and that just wasn't good enough for her.

She loved Oliver, but she also loved herself. Breaking up with him would be awful, but it was better than being with someone who had feelings for another woman, a woman who could not be trusted.

She spent the next half hour pacing back and forth the deck, the wind whipping against her and stinging her eyes. Then the first fat drops of rain fell and she hurried inside as the smell of rain engulfed the house and the sky flooded with water.

Oliver was drenched in the ten steps between his car and the front porch. Even though she was unsure of the outcome of the following hours, or days, her heart still jumped a beat when she saw him. She still felt needy, and flushed with excitement.

His wet skin pressed against her and she laid her head on his chest and she could feel him breathing.

He squeezed her gently and she hugged him back. Her whole body vibrated when he said, "Thank god that's over."

She couldn't help herself. Even though she didn't want to fight she said, "Is it?"

He paused for just a moment before he replied, "Yes. She's all settled. There's nothing more I can do for her."

She released her arms and he let her move away from him. She looked up and saw the resignation in his tired eyes when she said, "For now..."

He sighed. "Do we have to do this right now?"

She was as surprised as he was when she snapped, "If not now then when Mr. 80 hour work week?"

His eyebrows rose and he shook his head just slightly. "Now you have a problem with how much I work?"

Thunder crashed above them making her jump. "I don't know. No. Not really. I'm just angry."

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Can I at least get out of my wet clothes?"

She followed him into their bedroom and sat on the bed while he took a shower and put on dry clothes. The drum of the rain on the deck outside allowed her to gather her thoughts.

She loved Oliver. She wanted to be with him. She just needed him to apologise for the past couple of weeks and give her a guarantee that Sylvia was out of their lives for good.

He sat down on the bed beside her and took her hands in his.

"Listen, Lindsay, I love you but I've been feeling like maybe I don't know you as well as I thought."

That took the air out of her. "What do you mean?"

"I thought you would understand about Sylvie. I thought we had a connection that wasn't going to be damaged by something as stupid as me needing to help an old friend."

She felt her face getting hot as her heart beat faster. "She's not an old friend Oliver, she's your ex-girlfriend. She's the woman you lived with and had sex with for years and years. Of course I feel threatened by her."

"But that's the thing, there's no sex involved now. I've sworn that to you. There isn't even the idea of sex in my head. I promise you that nothing happened and nothing will ever happen with Sylvie again."

"Okay. So have you cut off communication with her?"

He shrugged. "I'll probably email her in a couple of weeks to see how she's doing, but that's about it."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Why do you have to check in on her? If it's all over, then why do you need to know how she's doing?"

He was silent. He bit his lip and looked away for a moment. When he turned back to her he said, "Because I love her."

Lindsay felt as if she was about to throw up. Her palms tingled and her face felt hot while her stomach lurched. In her heart she had known it, but she hadn't expected him to admit it to her.

"It's not a sex thing. I don't want to get back together with her, I just want her to be okay. It's important to me that she's okay."

"What if she's not okay? What if she needs more help?"

He shook his head. "She's got her family close by now. She can ask them to help her. She doesn't need me anymore."

"Are you sure about that?"

He dropped her hand as he sighed. "What if I did help her again?"

"I think I made it pretty clear that I'm not okay with that."

"So you'd leave me?"

Her heart was beating at a million miles an hour. She nodded.

"Maybe you should just leave me now then."

She blinked. And blinked again. "I don't want that."

"You're asking me to be someone I'm not. You're asking me to turn my back on someone I love when they need me."

"Well you're asking me to be someone who is okay with their partner having an ongoing relationship with their ex, who you've admitted you still love. I have more self respect than that."

Oliver buried his face in his hands. "So we're at an impasse."

She was silent. Her heart still raced as she felt tears prickle the corners of her eyes.

Oliver slept on the couch.

The next morning she packed her clothes into the back of her truck.

"There's no rush," Oliver said. "It's not like we hate each other."

But she needed to get out of there. She felt betrayed. Even though they'd only been together for a few months and they'd never spoken properly about commitment, she still felt like she deserved better.

Perhaps it was just a lesson in relationships. Oliver was her first boyfriend. She knew that the vast majority of relationships end up broken, so really it shouldn't have surprised her that her first one did too.

"Ah, darling," her dad said. "Plenty more fish in the sea."

And she guessed that was probably the best way to approach her broken heart. What had happened was shitty but she was young and employed and reasonably attractive, there was probably someone better out there for her.

He might not be as beautiful as Oliver, or have a big important job like Oliver, but if he loved her and only her surely that would be better.

Look at her mum and dad. They weren't particularly attractive and they didn't have big impressive careers, but they'd loved each other and been happy together.

Once she had settled back into living at her apartment she realised just how caught up in Oliver's world she'd been. She had no friends of her own. Sure she liked his family and friends but they weren't her friends. She couldn't talk to them openly. Lindsay always had to consider that their loyalties lay with Oliver.

She had been nervous to call Sue but she wanted to talk to her so badly that she just picked up her phone and did it.

"I'm glad you called," Sue said. "Karen felt awful about what she said to your boyfriend but she's too shy to call you to apologise."

"Well, he's not my boyfriend anymore, so it really doesn't matter."

"Oh!... Sorry. Do you want to talk about it?

She told them all about Oliver and Sylvie and they agreed that she'd done the right thing.

"He's a shitty boyfriend," Sue said. "That's probably why he's not married by now, because everyone he dates ends up realising it and recognising that he'd be a shitty husband."

It was so good to be a part of her old circle of friends again.

"Thank God you've seen reason," Karen said to her one day.

"What do you mean?" Lindsay asked.

"You got so sucked in by that stupid fat farm. It's like you were totally brain washed. Everything was, 'at the farm this', or 'at the farm that'. I get it that you found a way to lose weight and I'm happy for you, but you were totally engrossed."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you were insufferable. I do feel bad for you that Oliver turned out to be such a douche though. You deserve better than that, even if you are a skinny bitch now."

She said it with a smile and Lindsay smiled back.

Lindsay remembered what Oliver had said to her after Karen was mean to her in the mall - "You have better friends now." It had comforted her at the time, but it wasn't true. Sue and Karen had been her friends since high school. They knew her like nobody else in the world and they loved her. Sure they'd had a rough spot in their friendship but she still loved them too.

A few weeks after she broke up with Oliver she randomly ran into Ellia at an animal shelter. Lindsay was there to see a mare that had been surrendered, and Ellia was looking at the cats.

"I was thinking about getting a pet," Ellia said. "Micah isn't on board though so I'm likely to start world war three if I actually do it."

"He's not a cat fan?"

"He's not an anything fan," she said flatly.

Lindsay didn't know what to say to that.

Ellia shook her head, her golden hair shimmering in the afternoon sun. "Sorry, it's just been one of thouse weeks."

"It's Monday."

"Don't remind me." She looked longingly at the metal cages where the cats were kept. She dragged her eyes back to Lindsay and said, "I haven't seen you in a while."

"No. Now that Oliver and I aren't together I haven't been going to the farm very often."

Ellis's eyebrows rose. "You broke up?"

"You didn't know?"

"No! I mean, not that I'm in the loop. I hardly see Oliver and Micah's always travelling so he probably doesn't even know himself... Hey, do you want to grab a coffee with me?"

Lindsay had a million things to do back at the stables, not to mention the fact that she didn't particularly want to have a conversation with her ex's sister in law, but there was something hopeful in Ellia's voice so she followed her to the nearest Starbucks.

"How have you been?" Lindsay asked over a steaming cup of coffee.

Ellia gave a small shake of her head. "You know how I said it's been one of those weeks?"

"Mm?"

"Well it's been more like one of those years."

"Oh no."

"Yeah. Not good. I feel like a monkey on a chain who's paid bananas not to make a fuss."

"Wow. That doesn't sound good."

Ellia sighed and looked down into her tea. "I really want to go home to Australia but Micah doesn't want to. I promised him we could stay here for two years and he's holding me to it."

"Why did you move here in the first place?"

"Fairness. We'd lived near my family for years and years. Micah wanted to live here for a few years so the kids could get close to his family too."

"Are they happy here?"

"I think so, in general." She looked out the window. "I'm just so sick of being known as Micah's wife. Everyone I know sees me as an accessory to him."

"Well I hardly know him so I don't see you that way."

"No. You probably see me as your ex's sister in law who you're now wishing you hadn't run into."

Lindsay laughed. "It's actually refreshing to hear someone in that family complain."

A spark flickered in Ellia's eye. "I know, right? It's maddening how perfect they all are."

"Well, Oliver's not perfect, I've recently found that out."

"So what happened?"

Lindsay shook her head. "He's still in love with Sylvia."

"Oh. I heard that she attempted suicide. That's unfortunate."

"What is she like?"

"Sylvie? Well... I hate to say it, but I always thought she was lovely. A bit reserved, but a really kind, compassionate person. Of course what she did to Ollie was awful so I guess I must be a poor judge of character."

"I don't know. Perhaps she was driven to what she did."

Ellia nodded thoughtfully. "Ollie's a bit of a nutter. A complete workaholic and not the world's best communicator. I think he was especially bad when his parents died. Maybe Sylvie just got sick of coming second to his work. And I know she didn't get along with Matthew, which, to tell you the truth, I don't blame her for."

"Why's that?"

"Matthew is generally a nice guy, but he can be a real prick when it suits him. Everything is all about Katy. In his eyes the whole world should stop revolving if Katy stubs her toe.

"A couple of years ago Katy was feeling down because her career was on hold because they'd had a baby. Big deal, right? Happens to every mother I know. Happened to me. You just accept it and deal with it. But not Matthew and Katy.

"Matthew had to try and reorganise everyone's lives so that Katy could feel better about being a mom. He wanted Sylvie and Oliver to spend their vacation with them and the new baby. Sylvie said no. Oliver backed her up. Matthew got shitty at Oliver.

"Turns out Oliver had been in the midst of an episode of depression, which Sylvie had tried to warn everyone about, but Matthew's not the sort of person who listens if it's something he doesn't want to hear. Matthew wouldn't let go of the argument and apparently it was so stressful for Oliver that he tried to top himself."

"What?"

"He tried to kill himself. I'm sure it was more than just the argument with Matthew that tipped him but Sylvie was livid."

"He tried to kill himself?"

"Yeah. I thought you knew about all of that?"

"Well I knew he got depressed, I didn't know he'd attempted suicide."

"Mm... It was awful. He was already a doctor so he had access to all the drugs he needed. He was in hospital for weeks. When he got out Sylvie quit her residency to nurse him back to health then agreed to move out here with him, despite the fact that she'd had a massive falling out with Matthew."

"Wow."

"Yeah. I never doubted that Sylvie loved Ollie. I was actually really shocked that they ended the way they did. I thought they were the real deal."

When Lindsay didn't say anything Ellia tilted her head to the side and said softly, "Sorry. I don't mean to imply that your relationship wasn't as significant. I was just surprised when they broke up." She shook her head. "I shouldn't be talking about Oliver."

"It's okay. It actually gives me perspective. Maybe now I can understand why he can't let go of her."

"It would have broken his mother's heart to know how it panned out with those two. She and Sylvie were close."

Ellia stared out the window again for a few seconds before she suddenly looked at her watch.

"Urgh," she moaned. "I've got to get back to the worlds most boring job."

"You don't like it?"

"God it is so boring. I have no idea how Grace manages to find enthusiasm for it."

"Sounds like you need a new job."

"Yeah. Maybe. It's pretty flexible though, which I need with the kids."

They got up and gathered their purses and coats. Ellia was beautiful but she didn't have any radiance about her. She moved with a sort of lethargy that dulled her demeanour.

"Do you have my number?" Lindsay asked.

Ellia didn't so they exchanged numbers and Lindsay said, "Call me if you want to talk, or just to hang out or whatever. There are plenty of barn cats you could befriend over at my stables."

A few days later Ellia called her and came round to the stables to hang out. She was only slightly more cheerful than she had been the previous time they'd met. Downtrodden was probably the best way to describe the poor woman.

"The kids are just exhausting," she said. "It's so hard to maintain some sort of control when Micah is in and out of the house every other week. I feel like I start to settle into a routine, then he leaves, then we start to settle into a new routine and then he gets home and we start all over again. I can't count the number of my house rules that have changed back and forth because he simply doesn't know what goes on under his own roof."

Lindsay just nodded and let her get it out.

"And when he is home, most of the time he drives me fucking insane. He is next to useless with the kids, in fact sometimes he is worse that useless. He has good intentions but half of the time it ends up being more difficult with him there than when I'm on my own."

"How so?"

"Oh I don't know... For example Natalie has this weird obsession with checking the mailbox. Every time we leave the house or get home she has to check the mailbox. I agree that it's weird and not normal, but I just indulge her because it's harmless and it takes all of 15 seconds for her to do it. Every time Micah takes her out it dissolves into tears because he tries to get her into the car without checking the mail. Every. Freaking. Time."

"How awful for Natalie."

"I know. It's not her fault she has a touch of obsessive compulsiveness about her. And every time this happens we end up having an argument because apparently I'm not adequately managing her condition. Apparently allowing my kid to check the mailbox so we can get to school on time and not in a puddle of tears is negligent of me."

"He said that?"

"Not in so many words, but that's the gist of it."

"Man. That sucks."

"You're telling me. It's so bad that sometimes I actually feel relieved when he leaves for a race or a training camp... Is that really bad?"

Lindsay shrugged. "It doesn't sound good."

"I don't know. Maybe it's normal. Everyone always says marriage is hard work, maybe how we are is just a variation of normal. I mean, I still love him, and I know he still loves me, we just don't seem to like each other anymore."

"Was it like that when you lived in Australia?"

She hesitated for a second. Her round blue eyes glossed over as she stared out the window. "Yes and no," she finally replied.

Lindsay waited to see if she was going to say any more.

Ellia sighed and looked back at Lindsay. "When I was young, I was in an accident that broke my pelvis and ruptured my uterus. I can't carry a pregnancy."

"But the twins..?"

"They're ours. We used IVF and my sister was the surrogate."

"Oh."

"Yeah, well a few years ago I accidentally got pregnant. It was a very high risk pregnancy for both me and the baby. Micah wanted me to have an abortion. For weeks and weeks we argued about it. I knew the risks and I hated to think of the twins losing their mother but I just couldn't even consider an abortion."

"So what happened?"

"I miscarried. It broke my heart. Even though it should never have happened in the first place and it was tearing my marriage apart, I was so amazingly in love with that baby."

"I'm so sorry."

"Micah wasn't. He tried to act like he was sad about it but I could tell he was secretly happy. He never shed a tear. He was just relieved the whole thing was over."

Lindsay didn't know what to say so she just nodded.

"Hey sorry for whining so much. I don't usually make a habit of complaining on and on about my husband and kids like this."

Lindsay smiled. "No problem."

It wasn't really a problem to listen to Ellia complain about her life, which was good because she seemed to need to do a lot of it.

"Thanks so much for listening to me," she said one day. "I don't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff. I only get to talk to my mum and sister on the weekends because of the time difference, and the kids are always around."

Lindsay didn't mind. It actually made her feel better to hear someone else's problems. She wasn't the only one who wasn't particularly enjoying her life.

Being without Oliver was like trying to walk through deep, thick mud. It was frustrating and exhausting. Sometimes, when she had a minute alone, she let herself cry. She often thought about going back to him.

She wanted to feel full and happy again. She wanted to feel his warm skin and see his beautiful smile and hear his deep, smooth voice. She knew those things could make her happy momentarily, but she also knew they didn't really belong to her.