8. Other People's Hearts Ch. 19

"I'll just get the doctor in to have a look at you," said the midwife as she hurried out of the room.

It wasn't exactly reassuring.

Lindsay was too exhausted to react. Five months of puking her guts out, followed by growing to the size of a small house, and finally twenty hours of excruciating labor before she finally gave up on her birth plan and got an epidural had her feeling completely demoralised. She just wanted the damn baby out.

Beside her, Jeff rested his forehead on the rail of her hospital bed. His floppy brown hair fell limply across the sliver metal. He'd lost an entire night of sleep.

"You gotta be close now," he said without any energy at all.

"Don't give me false hope," she replied in an equally defeated tone.

His hand squeezed hers.

Lindsay leaned her head back and closed her eyes. A contraction was starting. She could only just feel her uterus clenching through the drugs in the epidural. It was mildly uncomfortable rather than mind-crushingly painful. Modern medicine was miraculous.

She heard the door open and some rustling of papers. She knew she should open her eyes.

There was an edge of excitement in the voice of the midwife as she said, "This is Doctor Watson."

Somewhere deep in the recesses of Lindsay's brain that name clicked. She hadn't thought about Oliver in years, and she didn't particularly want to think about him now, but she felt compelled by more than just manners to open her eyes.

But it wasn't Oliver standing beside her bed, it was a small, slender Asian woman with long silky black hair and short eyelashes scanning through the endless cascade of paper that the monitor beside the bed had been spitting out since she'd been hooked up to it many hours ago.

"Looks like you've had a long night," she said in a smooth American accent and with a knowing smile.

Lindsay couldn't think of what to say. She must be Sylvia. Oliver must have married Sylvia.

"I'd like to check you internally, if that's okay with you?"

Lindsay nodded and Sylvia moved to the foot of the bed.

Lindsay guessed that Sylvia must not know who she was. She was looking down as she poked around Lindsay's vagina and simultaneously pushed at the baby through the wall of her mountainous belly.

She was gentle. Of course that perception may have been because Lindsay was essentially numb from the waist down, but the way Sylvia moved and touched Lindsay's swollen belly was so fluid it was almost a caress.

"Well spotted, Bridget," Sylvia said to the midwife.

Bridget's smooth young face shone with delight at the compliment.

Sylvia tossed plastic gloves into a hazardous waste trash can before coming back to the side of the bed.

"The baby is fine," she started with. Her narrow, dark brown eyes levelled on Lindsay. "Do you know the sex?"

"A girl."

She smiled warmly. "Well you just might have a gymnast on your hands. She has turned over. Her bottom is what is pressing on your cervix now. The bottom is not so hard as the head so it can take a lot longer for the labor to progress."

"She's breached?" Jeff asked. "Isn't that dangerous?"

"Yes and no. This is currently not an emergency situation. The baby isn't stressed right now... But, it is more dangerous to deliver a breach baby vaginally."

"So what do you recommend? A c-section?" There was an edge in Jeff's voice.

Sylvia nodded. "That would be my preference."

"But what about the risks to Lindsay?..."

Lindsay stopped listening.

In her weary state she couldn't help her mind wandering.

She had had sex with this woman's husband. Many times. In many positions. And they had both enjoyed it.

She had loved this woman's husband. At one point she had fantasised about having his babies. At one point she had felt she would never feel whole again without him.

Jeff didn't know who Sylvia was. She had told him about Oliver, but she had used broad terms and had never told him his last name. Besides, by the time she met Jeff the memories of Oliver weren't so searingly focused and painful. It was easy to brush him off as her first boyfriend. Just one of those mistakes that seem to happen to just about everyone before they finally meet 'the one'.

And Jeff was her 'one'. There wasn't a shadow of a doubt in Lindsay's mind about that. Jeff was her best friend, her protector, her comedian, her soul mate. Most of all he was her equal. She never worried if she was smart enough or beautiful enough for Jeff.

It was weird to be the only one who knew. Lindsay was going to be cut open by the woman who had won her first love away from her. Sylvia's would be the first hands to touch Lindsay and Jeff's child.

"Lindsay?..." Jeff was looking at her expectantly. His denim blue eyes had regained some of their usual energy.

"Huh? Sorry, I'm really tired."

"It's okay honey," he murmured as he squeezed her hand again. "The doctor thinks it's safest to have a c-section."

"Yeah, fine. That's fine."

Sylvia nodded. "I think you'll find it is for the best," she said. "Have you had any prior surgeries?"

"Just my leg."

"Leg? An accident?"

"Yes, A horse fell on me and damaged a vein." Lindsay tapped the shadow of a scar near the top of her right leg. It used to feel precious to her, but now it was just a line on her skin.

Sylvia looked down at the scar and paused for a moment. Here eyebrows rose just a little. She grabbed the clip board at the end of the bed and scanned it quickly then looked back up at Lindsay's face.

She looked at Jeff and then back to Lindsay.

She blinked twice in quick succession.

"Right," she said as she nodded lightly. "Well, like I said its not an emergency. I'll have a theatre prepped for you... Um..." She bit her lip and a wrinkle formed in her forehead. "There's time for me to arrange someone else to do the surgery, if you prefer."

"Are you not very good at it?" Jeff asked in alarm.

"No! I mean, yes," she said quickly. "I'm very experienced. I'm one of the senior doctors here."

"Then why would we want someone else to do it?"

Sylvia stood with her mouth slightly agape and her eyebrows knitted together. "Um... Well..."

"Do you think we're racist or something?"

"No, it's not that. I just don't know..."

Lindsay decided to put her out of her misery. "Hey, babe," she said to Jeff.

He turned back to her. "Yeah?"

"Remember I told you about that guy I used to date, Oliver?"

"The idiot who went back to his ex?"

"Mm... Turns out he married her."

Jeff shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Idiot. So...?"

"Turns out she delivers babies at Denver General," she said as she jerked her head in an exaggerated motion towards Sylvia.

Jeff's eyebrows rose and his mouth stretched into a grin. The mood instantly shifted. "You're shitting me!"

Lindsay laughed. "I know! What are the chances?"

"Small world," he said as he shook his head. Suddenly he looked up at Sylvia. "I just called your husband an idiot... Twice... Sorry."

Sylvia twisted her hands together. "Ah... that's okay. I can see how you might come to that conclusion."

He looked back at Lindsay. "So are you okay with her poking about your insides?"

She shrugged. "I don't have any hard feelings. Actually she saved me from a life of misery with what's-his-name."

Jeff smiled. "He wasn't all that?"

Lindsay smiled back at him as she squeezed his hand. "Oh, I don't know. He was nice enough and he was handsome enough I guess, but he was no Jeff."

He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. His familiar caress comforting and calming.

After a moment Sylvia said, "So I should prep. for surgery?"

Lindsay smiled at her around Jeff's lingering head. "You're the doctor."

Sylvia gave a small smile in return before she nodded once and left the room.

Jeff sat back down on his chair. "You never told me much about him?"

Lindsay shrugged. "It never seemed relevant. It was well and truly over with him by the time I met you."

"Did you love him?"

Lindsay didn't reply immediately. She didn't like the direction this conversation was taking. She and Jeff had a policy that they never lied to each other. Ever. So it wasn't that she intended to keep the truth from him, she just didn't want to get into this topic right before their first child arrived. "Yes," she said carefully.

"Do you still love him?"

Lindsay looked at him sharply. "Of course not. I hadn't thought about him in years until I saw her."

Jeff held his hands up. "Okay, okay, just checking."'

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Okay. Let's get on and have this baby then."

"You're telling me."

The surgery was frightening and joyful at the same time. Lindsay hated the sight of blood, and the thought of being cut open totally freaked her out, but Sylvia was awesome. Her casual chit chat distracted Lindsay to the point that she didn't even know she had been cut.

"I don't like blood," she warned Sylvia.

"Oh, you don't need to worry," she said. "It's my job to take care of all of that. Have you chosen a name yet?" She spoke as if they were friends talking in a coffee shop.

"We were thinking of Loretta."

"I like that. A classic. Do you like those elegant old fashioned names in particular, or is it a family name?"

"It was my mom's name."

"Well that's very special then. You're lucky your mom had such a beautiful name. My mum's name is Dung. Obviously not on my list now we live in The States."

Lindsay laughed. She felt a weird tugging sensation in her belly.

"So..." Sylvia said, "here's little Loretta."

Lindsay looked up in surprise. It had only been a few moments. Sure enough Sylvia was holding up a baby. Lindsay's baby. Loretta's little legs kicked a few times and she turned her head towards Lindsay. She opened her eyes and her mouth at the same time and let out a strange little yelp.

Lindsay couldn't help the tears in her eyes. Her heart swelled with love.

Sylvia took a few steps and placed the baby on the bare skin of Lindsay's chest and the midwife quickly piled a blanket on top of her.

"Congratulations," Sylvia said in a hushed tone. "She's beautiful."

Loretta squirmed a little and blinked up at her.

"Daddy, photos," the midwife whispered.

Lindsay looked up at Jeff. He was wiping tears from his eyes. He smiled at her, then fumbled with the camera to snap a few photos before he leaned in and kissed Lindsay on the forehead. "Our baby," he said.

Lindsay smiled down at Loretta. "Hello gorgeous," she said quietly.

Loretta continued squirming and blinking up at her. She had dark blue eyes and her fine, fair hear was plastered onto her head with amniotic fluid.

The word could have exploded at that moment and Lindsay wouldn't have noticed. There was just her and her child blinking at each other while her husband leaned in for a cuddle.

She didn't even realise that the midwife had picked up the camera and taken photos until a day later when she downloaded the photos onto her laptop.

They were beautiful photos and it had been a beautiful experience, and she loved Loretta with an indescribable fierceness, so she didn't know why she felt like such a failure.

There was a heaviness in her chest and shame in her heart.

Late in the morning Sylvia stopped by her room. Loretta was fussing and crying while Lindsay tried to get her to latch on for a feed.

"How is it going?" Sylvia asked in an upbeat way. She was wearing perfectly pressed dark blue suit trousers and an airy, swishy cream coloured top with pearl buttons. She set down a cooler bag on the spare chair beside the bed.

"I don't know. I don't seem to be able to do anything right."

Loretta went from annoyed grunts to all-out wails.

Lindsay felt dangerously close to tears.

"Do you mind if I hold her? Or we could get a midwife in here to help?"

"Go ahead, see if you can get her to stop."

"These will be a really difficult couple of days," Sylvia said over Loretta's wails. She lifted the baby out of Lindsay's arms and set her on the end of the bed. "Most babies like a lot of motion in order to settle, but obviously with your wound you can't do that just yet."

Sylvia re-wrapped Loretta in her swaddle blanket and lifted her to her chest. She made a series of low hushing noises and bounced gently on her toes.

Loretta quickly quieted down.

"How are you feeling?" Sylvia asked as she continued to bounce.

"Okay, I guess. There isn't too much pain."

"Good. I'll have a look at your incision in a minute, once this one drifts off. Did you get much rest last night?"

"Not a lot, just a couple of hours here and there."

"Did Jeff stay?"

"Yeah, but he didn't really know what to do to help. He was most useful when he went out to get me a coffee this morning."

Sylvia laughed.

"He's gone home to get some peace and quiet."

"That sounds pretty typical for a first time dad. Do you want to talk through the labor and delivery?"

Lindsay shrugged. She felt like the whole thing has been a huge disaster, but she wasn't keen to talk to Sylvia about it.

"There is an enormous amount of pressure on women to be perfect mothers these days, and that starts before the baby is even born. Many women feel a sense of failure if the birth was not what they had envisioned..."

Lindsay looked down at her hands.

Sylvia pushed on. "This idea that a woman has control over how her labor progresses, and that it is possible to follow a birth plan is actually complete nonsense."

Lindsay nodded sadly. "I hadn't planned on having an epidural," she said, defeated.

"Did you plan on twenty-six hours of labor?"

"No. I had hoped it would go quicker."

"Of course, but our hopes are not our reality. The reality is that every labor and delivery is different, and it isn't right to compare your experience to your birth plan. It also isn't right to compare your experience to anyone else's. Some women have an hour or two of period pain then pop out a baby - more power to them. The vast majority of women struggle significantly with the pain and most of them choose pain relief when it is safe to do so."

Lindsay nodded and a tear slipped down her cheek.

Sylvia had stopped bouncing the baby in favour of a gentle sway from side to side. "It is not something you should feel ashamed of," she said gently. "The use of pain relief during labor is not a reflection of your emotional strength, and has absolutely no bearing on how good of a mother you will be. From what I know of you and what I've seen of you, I have every confidence you will be an excellent mother."

"Thanks," Lindsay croaked.

"I used to tell my patients, 'just do your best.' Then I became a mother and I realised what a death sentence it was to always be doing your best, because, what is your best? How much time and energy and resources do you have to spend to constantly be achieving your best? There is no such thing as 'just' your best because by definition your best is everything you can possibly do. So now I say, 'aim for safe and happy for the whole family.'"

Lindsay nodded. "Makes sense. You have kids?"

Sylvia smiled. "Two girls. Emma is 4 and Chloe is 3."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks." Sylvia slowly and gently lowered Loretta into the clear plastic cart she was supposed to sleep in. "And thanks for letting me hold Loretta. It makes my job that much more meaningful when the moms let me cuddle their babies a little."

"That's okay. You got her to stop crying, so you're a bit if a hero right now."

"Let's see your incision site."

Sylvia carefully peeled back the dressing while Lindsay looked away.

"It looks fine. It won't be as neat as the scar on your leg, but few are."

Lindsay was still looking away. The invitation to talk about Oliver hung heavily in the air. "How is Oliver?" She decided to ask as she turned back to Sylvia.

"He's fine. He sends his congratulations, and that," she nodded towards the cooler bag. "The food here is pretty lousy. You can just leave the Tupperware at the nurses station when you're done with it."

"Oh wow, thanks."

"Don't thank me," she said. "I don't cook."

Sylvia extended her hand. "It's been an honour to work with you through such a special time."

Lindsay was so surprised that she didn't know what to say. "Thanks. Thank you very much," she managed to get out as she shook Sylvia's small, warm hand.

Sylvia smiled and walked out the door.

A moment later she walked back in. "Lindsay, if you ever need obstetric care please come to see me. I will always see you and there will never be a charge." She held out a business card. "Or even if you just want to talk. Or be social with us. Feel free to call me."

"Ah... Okay. Thanks," Lindsay said, surprised again.

Sylvia left again and this time she didn't return.

Lindsay was stunned by how warm and caring she had been. She couldn't fathom that the woman who had just comforted and reassured her had been the same woman who had essentially cheated on Oliver way back when.

She turned the business card over. Sylvia had written her personal cell phone number on the back.

Later, when the hospital lunch came and Lindsay found herself sorely disappointed with it, she opened the cooler bag Sylvia had left for her.

There was an envelope on top with Lindsay's name scrawled in Oliver's messy handwriting.

She felt her heart skip a beat.

With unsteady hands she opened it. It was a card with a small, pink, old fashioned pram on the front. She took a deep breath as she opened it.

'Dear Lindsay,

'Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Sylvie tells me she's gorgeous and I am not surprised. I'm so happy you have a family as I always thought you would be a great mother.

'Hope you still like apples. They're from Lucas' place.

'Best wishes, your idiot friend, Oliver.'

Lindsay's heart was racing. The sight of Oliver's handwriting, and his words, we're dredging up all sorts of memories and feelings that she hadn't been prepared for. She suddenly felt like she was standing in her nightgown in his kitchen reading one of the notes he used to leave for her when he had to leave early for work. One of the notes that made her feel special and important.

She got out the Tupperware and checked the contents. They were all her favourites. A salad of baby spinach with raspberries, pepitas and peppered balsamic dressing. Sweet potato and kale lasagna with creamy cashew sauce. And apple crisp with crunchy maple-almond and oat topping.

Lindsay trembled.

He remembered.

She suddenly felt exposed. Intimate feelings bubbled to the surface. Each dish was like a private memory he was relaying to her.

The salad was something they had thrown together at her apartment after a Sunday afternoon of fucking and showering and repeating. They'd both been starving and they'd eaten massive bowls full before trying to watch a movie and ending up fucking again on the couch. They called the salad 'Sunday delight'.

The lasagna was actually his brother, Matthew's, recipe. They'd gone to his house for dinner and Lindsay had liked the lasagna so much that Oliver had cooked it for her almost weekly for months afterwards.

And the apple crisp. Lindsay loved Oliver's apple crisp. He usually made it with pecans, but she preferred the crunch of almonds. It was sweet and cinnamony and it smelled like Christmas and tasted like heaven. The apples at Lucas' house were from the rows of trees in the orchard that they walked up and down with Rush. The apple orchard they had fallen in love in.

Her stomach churned.

She realised she was still in love with Oliver. And he still loved her.

There was no other way to interpret the present. Oliver loved her.

If she hadn't just been cut open yesterday she would have been pacing the room. As it was, she resorted to chewing her fingernails.