A Big Shiny Blue Marble Ch. 23

She sobbed, "Even when the Xer have gone, I will go mad and have to be killed. I have held it back for a long time now, but it will come and nothing can stop it. It happens to us all, but most females find a mate before this age. I have no one. I have already asked Arrax to be relieved so that I can go back to Xer. I do not wish for the mercy killing to be on my record. He has refused, telling me to be patient. If it were anyone else I would feel outraged and helpless, " she said, "But Arrax knows what it is like for a female. He had a mate once, so he knows. He would not say this to me out of ignorance or callousness, and so I must do my best."

Selena listened in shock for a moment and then she flung herself at Shaevre. It was hard to do, but she got the Xer onto her back and she held Shaevre's head so that she couldn't turn away.

"Look at me," Selena hissed, and Shaevre squeezed her eyes shut in embarrassment.

"Look -- at -- me, Shaevre."

The Xer opened her eyes and Selena saw the tears of her shame.

"You idiot," Selena hissed at her while she strained to hold Shaevre's head, "Stay with me. Don't look away. I'll scream it if I have to ..."

Shaevre blinked and stopped squirming.

"Look," Selena began, "We're not the same species here, are we? So your shame or whatever this is here is misplaced, since I sure don't feel it. But I think that I can understand it."

She kissed Shaevre softly for a moment and then she pulled back. "You need my help? Then you'll have it. You just tell me what you need if there's anything special required beforehand. I'll do whatever you need to help you, just don't worry and stop feeling ashamed. I've learned that shame doesn't look good on you. Happy looks so much better.

This is a girl thing, right? So I'm a girl. I might not get all of this, but I'll help. I want to help. Just stop trying to hide under the floor tiles.

Look, how long have you been stationed here? I know you haven't gone outside much. Do you know what a dog is?"

Shaevre nodded, "I had to study what lives here before I arrived. I am not -- "

Selena shook her again, "Shut up and let me speak, please. I know that you're nothing like a dog; you only look vaguely like a huge dog in the broadest terms, and not to me, really. But that's the way that you'd look to any human alive here."

"What are you trying to say?" Shaevre blinked, not really following yet.

"You're only feeling this shame in your own terms, and I can sure understand that. I might not understand it all, but I understand that part, I'm pretty sure. Now, I would like you to consider something else. There are only a very few of you Xer on this planet. There are millions of humans here. I look human, don't I?"

Shaevre nodded, "Yes, but I do not think of you as -- "

Selena shook her head, "I know, and thank you, but that's not my point. Compared to you, any dog is a less intelligent being -- as much as I've always liked and admired them. That's just the truth of it. You are not anything like a dog in my eyes. But how would you be seen by a human? Sort of, kind of, a little dog-like in their eyes? Only REALLY big?"

"I suppose," Shaevre nodded," but I am not like that."

"Well I know that, Shaevre, but look at it from a human' side, and you know that most of them around her aren't all that bright. Consider what they would think that I've been doing with you here."

Shaevre stared and her eyes opened wide.

"Can you see that you're not the only one in this now?" Selena asked quietly.

Shaevre nodded, "Yes, but I do not feel shame for this from their side. I do not care what they think."

"Well that's good," Selena grinned as she leaned down and kissed Shaevre softly for a moment, "So here's the thing. I have just had the most amazing time with you and if you liked it the same way that I did, and if you try to get over this shame of yours, then I'll try not to give a crap about what humans think when they see us. I don't want to roll around in their streets with you, but I want to feel a little proud to be seen with you as I did today. I was really proud to be with you. Do you think that you can handle that?"

Shaevre smiled and nodded, "I would feel proud to be with you anywhere."

"Good," Selena grinned, "I still want a man, and I know that you still want a male too, but we've found something here that's really nice, and we can share it, that's all. I love having a friend like you, and to be able to share this, well, you just tell me how I can help. I'd have done whatever it is anyway.

Suppose that I do everything right and get you through this time that is coming to you," she began.

"It happens maybe two or three times in the space of what you call a year here, "Shaevre said, "But the first time is the worst for every Xer bitch, and carries the certainty of madness if we remain unmated. How bad it comes to us can vary, from one girl to another, but if nothing is done, we go mad. We can forestall it for a time if we have no one, but not forever, and I am running out of time. What do you wish to know beyond that?"

"Well, suppose that we do this right. I would have to do whatever you need every time after as well?"

"Yes," the Xer nodded carefully, "if you care enough for me to. I would not go mad without it after the first heat, but it would do much to ease it for me."

"That isn't the issue for me," Selena smiled, "I'm getting a clue, as slow as I am," she grinned, "the issue is twofold; do you want me to be the one for you? You said that this is a long-time thing for Xers. The other thing is if we live through all of this and we form our partnership, what happens if you find a male who appeals to you? What happens if I do?"

Shaevre smiled a little shyly, "I have never done this as we do, but I already knew days ago that I would love to be with you if there was no male for me. I would prefer a male, but we have such fun and it feels good for me. I would stay with you. You appeal to me more than any male that I have seen, aside from Arrax. I have never had a friend like you. It is not often that Xer females become close as we are even without this part of what we do.

I would find myself patrolling and daydreaming of you at the same time. I would be in my bed wondering what it would be like with you. It was nonsense. I am not thirteen years old. I did not wonder about anyone when I was that young. I would no sooner have it in hand when I would see you with Nahl'een and then it was torture because I could not leave, and had to guard her.

I do NOT know how I came to this idea. I just know that it is what I want. If you can help me, then I will be happier for it and I will try to be a good partner and helper to you. If I find a male who I like, I will ask if you would allow me to mate with him, but it will change nothing between us. If you find a male, then I will allow this, and if it is your wish and his, I will be happy to accept him too. It all depends on if I am good enough for you -- if I make you happy to have me," she said as she looked up, smiling very hopefully, and Selena noticed - in a very fragile way toward her.

"I wish to live with you. I wish for us to belong together. The loving is not the bottom of it, though I enjoy this with you. I want to live my life as your friend and partner and, well, a lover too, if we have no one else for us."

Selena made up her mind then, just from what she'd seen and experienced. What Shaevre spoke of didn't bother her a bit, and she already knew herself anyway. This was new and it was strange. Well, so was she to herself, now that she knew that she was a part demon. She was happier now any time that she was within a dozen feet from the Xer.

"To be honest," Selena smiled, "I still don't know which one of us is which in this, but I don't care and I never really would. If you want me this much, then I want you too and we can begin."

Shaevre nodded, "Selena, we already have. I spoke with Arrax in his cramped little office as I said. I told him that I wish for him to forget that I requested to be relieved, and that you have accepted the golds from me. I don't know why, but I think that it was from the hope that I have been feeling. I knew that I have no other choice anyway."

"What did he say?" Selena asked, a little shocked, "You didn't tell him everything, did-"

"I did," the Xer smiled, "I am proud of me and us and I told him of my wish and what we plan to do after everything. We were not like this then, but it was enough for me. He understood, saying that he knew that something like this was possible between females, but that it was not sanctioned by our service - at least not openly. He told me that it would not matter anyway in a few days.

As far as the task is concerned, he thinks that this is the best possible answer that I could have given him, for some reason."

Selena smiled then, knowing that they'd decided and that was all that mattered. She felt hope for them. She knew that it would be strange, and they still wanted males, but she knew that they felt so close and it was what she wanted. "Good," Selena grinned, "now come here and we'll work out who the bitch is later."

A few minutes of careful experimentation, and Selena found that she could even ride Sheavre if she was careful not to move too much. Shaevre smiled as she watched Selena writhe as she sat on her, pressing herself down to stay in contact while the Xer carefully ran her padded hands over her breasts and hips.

Selena was too busy trying to remain in contact in the relatively small spot where they fit like this, since she wasn't really joined with Shaevre at all and it was a challenge, but they liked it.

She was also too busy later when Shaevre helped her to pack her things for the next day.

It wasn't until a long time afterward - months, really, that she had a thought which made her stop to consider something.

Ny'Zeille had been right after all.