A Broken Woman Can Still Heal

It wasn't too much longer before the plane landed. They had to make a tight connection for their flight to Charlotte. Shae barely had time to thank Cheryl one more time and wave goodbye as she rushed past her, trying to keep up with Billie. Shae sighed a little just before she caught up with her.

"It won't be long now before we are at your new home!" Billie said, smiling at Shae. Not wanting to disappoint her aunt, Shae smiled back and nodded. It didn't feel like she was going home to Shae, but it was what she had. At least it was summer and she wouldn't have to adjust to a new school right away too. Shae hoped the extra time would help. She pulled up the shoulder strap of her backpack and trudged alongside Billie towards the gate, trying to keep that little bit of hope alive.

********

When school started that fall, Shae didn't feel like she had made much progress in adjusting. She hadn't really understood how isolated they were. The town was only about a thousand people and about 70 minutes outside of Charlotte. But even then, her aunt's home was a few miles out of town. That meant that she only usually went into town when her aunt or uncle drove. Unless it was for church, Shae rarely accompanied them for any reason other than errands. More often, Shae stayed home to watch her two nephews so that Billie could do her errands without having to drag them along.

No matter what, there was always a trip into town on Sundays. Aunt Billie and Uncle Jim were deeply devout, like most of the town. Going to church was an event beyond just the service. They always dressed up in nice clothes. Billie was very particular about what Shae wore. Since Shae was unused to going to church, especially one as conservative as this one with distinct ideas about the role of women, Billie wanted to make sure that Shae dressed in an appropriately virtuous manner. To Shae it just felt plain, but she didn't mind too much. She already felt like the odd outsider. Blending in was a way to avoid standing out.

They always arrived a little early as Jim and Billie helped with setting things up for the service. Then the pastor would give a fire and brimstone sermon, talking about the evils of the world and how corruption was taking over America. Even after the entire summer of going, the zeal with which the congregation agreed with him scared Shae a little. And not showing sufficient enthusiasm herself usually resulted in a discussion with her aunt and uncle that evening about her devotion. Shae learned that just going along made life easier.

After the sermon, there was a potluck luncheon. This was one of the few times that Shae got much of a chance to meet other kids. The tables were all segregated by age with the teenagers having one of their own. It was right by the adults so that they could keep an eye on them. Shae felt like she didn't really get to see what the other teenagers were like because of the proximity to their parents. Everyone was always on their best behaviors. And since the boys were on one end with the girls on the other end, she didn't even get to really see how teenagers really interacted. As an outsider to a town where almost everyone had grown up together, she was naturally an object of attention but in that environment it wasn't possible for them to indulge in their curiosity.

After lunch, the adults would gather to read the bible together while the young people went to Sunday school. This was the worst part of the day for Shae. She could just be quiet and try to blend in during the rest. During the classes, her lack of knowledge about the Bible was apparent. She stood out from her inability to answer even the most basic questions about Bible stories. An older widow ran the class and seemed to take pleasure in putting Shae on the spot and then ridiculing her when Shae didn't know the answer. And it was clear that she gave reports to Billie after each class because the worse Shae did, the longer Billie expected her to study her Bible during the afternoon. It didn't take long for Shae to learn that the better she learned her Bible, the less trouble she got in. By the end of summer, Billie was complementing her on how well she was doing.

When school started, Shae hoped that things would get a little better. At least there she would be around other kids her own age. But it didn't turn out that way. Over the course of the summer, she spent a fair amount of time working outside which gave her a deep tan while lightening her hair. Even without trying to do much, Shae was even more beautiful than before she arrived. The guys immediately noticed and were all interested in her while the local girls were instantly jealous of her. She found herself still isolated. Even though the boys were more than willing to provide company, she felt even less comfortable than back home. Her lack of interest was combined with the knowledge that any moves she made towards them would just increase the issues with the girls.

Another factor made things difficult for her. Shae was extremely bright. At her old high school, she had been a close to A student even with taking advanced level courses. Much of what she had learned in 9th grade was beyond what they were now teaching her in 10th. Being seen as a brain, especially in a small town where education wasn't highly prized, was a quick way to become a social outcast. As a girl, it just was worse. Even the attitudes of the faculty surprised Shae. She went in to talk to the science teacher about moving to a more advanced chemistry course. His response was that he found that girls did poorly in the course and that she should probably stick with the one that she was in. Afraid of making waves, she just nodded and said that she understood.

Slowly over time, the ice broke with the girls once they realized that Shae wasn't trying to steal their guys. Shae found that adopting the role of a quiet religious girl helped make everything easier. The other religious girls were the ones most likely to give her a chance. It was nice to have some friends again which made Shae more likely to reinforce that image. It also helped that the guys tended to leave that group alone more than the others.

Shae was still conflicted about her real feelings. The boys in the school, even the best looking ones, didn't draw her attention. But most of them were redneck jerks so she wasn't sure if that was it. The way they treated their girlfriends would never have been tolerated back home but here it seemed the norm. She saw almost no relationships where the boy treated the girlfriend like an equal. They were all expected to wait on their boyfriends and do whatever the guys wanted. Even if she had found one cute, Shae didn't like the idea of being treated that way.

And she still found her eye being caught by the cute girls around. She tried to hide it as much as possible because she feared the reaction if she was ever noticed. Certainly her new circle of friends wouldn't understand. Amongst themselves they talked with disgust about homosexuals and how God would punish them. Not wanting to be a hypocrite, Shae tried to avoid joining in and just stayed quiet when they got that way.

Then mid-year something happened that changed everything for Shae. Over time, Shae had noticed one other girl who seemed different. She played sports with a passion that stood out and was generally the best person on every team. She was dark haired with an athletic build. Her face was pleasant but not really cute. But there was something about her that drew Shae's attention. She knew that the girl's name was Penny but that was all she knew. Penny and her family never attended church and of course she wasn't part of the religious girls group. But from seeing her around, there was just something about the way that she carried herself that made Shae wonder if she was gay. But despite Shae's curiosity, she couldn't see any way to talk to her without it seeming odd. Shae was afraid that it would draw attention to herself and the type of attention that could ruin the little bit of social life she had built. So she just pretended to ignore Penny. Maybe someday there would be a chance to talk in safety but not yet.

It never happened though. Penny was spending time with one of the girls from the basketball team and they seemed to be getting close. And then the basketball coach walked in and found Penny leaning over to kiss the other girl. Even before the coach could say anything, the other girl noticed her. She pushed Penny away and yelled. "Stop trying to kiss me, you dyke!"

Penny stood upright in shock, looking at her girlfriend with hurt in her eyes. As she tried to form the words to ask what was going on, she felt the coach grab her arm.

"Come with me," she yelled and pulled Penny away. Looking back, Penny could see the unhappy face of her girlfriend but at the same time, she could tell. "She is going to throw me to the wolves," Penny realized.

And she did. Penny was suspended for two days for "attempting to assault" another student. While she was gone, her girlfriend made up a story about how she was trying to be nice to the friendless Penny and Penny instead tried to seduce her. By the time Penny was back in school, the story was everywhere. Shae watched as Penny was systematically harassed and ostracized. It went to every part of her life. Even though she was the best player, her teammates stopped passing to her and her productivity dropped. The word must have spread because all of a sudden, the other teams were fouling her harder and the referees let them get away with it. Her grades dropped too as teachers became harder and harder on her.

All of a sudden Penny's bright future that seemed to be leading to a sports scholarship and college was disappearing. The worst was when a gang of girls caught her alone walking home from school after a late practice. Among the girls was the one that Penny had considered her girlfriend. Whatever she had felt for Penny was clearly gone, or at least suppressed. Trapping her in a circle, they started pushing Penny from side to side. Each shove was harder than the next. Eventually Penny stumbled and went face first into the ground. Just before the first kick, she looked up at her former friend. As each girl took a turn, she kept her eyes on her until she moved to take her own turn. Penny closed her eyes as tears flowed. The girls thought it was from the pain but it was from the betrayal.

No one even got punished for the attack on Penny. Shortly after that, Penny's family moved away. But the lesson of Penny stayed with Shae. Even thinking along those lines were not safe. Any feelings towards girls needed to be suppressed. Shae worried that she needed to go beyond that and start showing at least a passing interest in boys. She found it easy to start to talk to her friends about which of the religious boys were nice. As long as she kept it low level, there was little chance that she would seem improper. And letting them guide her meant that they all steered her away from the ones they liked. Shae was in no hurry to start dating but at least she seemed normal. Normalcy was her watch word. It didn't bring her happiness, but it brought safety. With everything that had happened to her, it seemed like a fair trade.

********

A year after Bob's death

Shutting the door, Shae looked around her new apartment. It was pretty small but it was hers. After spending the three months since moving to Seattle in the shelter, it was really nice to have a place where she was alone. She didn't mind the size. It wasn't like she had anyone else which was just how she wanted it.

Much of the last year had been a nightmare. Even before she was out of the hospital, she was arraigned for murdering her husband. The local sheriff was a cousin of Bob's so there was little sympathy there. It took a week before she left the hospital. The miscarriage had been the worst of it. Between the internal damage and the blood loss, it took a while to recover. Luckily her broken nose set well and didn't need any surgery. She still had a slight scar on her cheek where Bob had split her skin when he slapped her across the face. It didn't look too bad. Worse were the scars from where he had burned her with his cigarettes but those were older. Shae just felt fortunate that he had done that on her shoulder and back, places where she could hide them.

She spent the first couple of weeks in jail while her public defender tried to get her release. Her lawyer was surprised at how hard it was but Bob was connected by family to most people in the area. But in the end, the prosecutor couldn't bring a case. The evidence was too clear that Shae had been defending herself. Her injuries were gruesome and graphic. Even trying to prosecute would have resulted in a storm of negative publicity he didn't want. In the end, he agreed to release her on the grounds of justifiable self-defense.

While that was the decision of the authorities, it wasn't the attitude of Bob's family. They had never been fond of the outsider that Bob had courted and married, but now they hated her with a passion. And it seemed to Shae that no one was willing to stand up to them. Despite the abuse she had taken, she found little support. Even her own family seemed to blame her for the situation, although not Bob's actual death. But her Aunt Billie kept saying if only she had worked harder at making Bob happy, maybe none of this would have happened. And when Bob's family sued her for wrongful death, Billie said something about God's will.

In the end, Shae lost everything. Because the suit was tried in the town, she didn't have a prayer. Despite the evidence, the jury ruled that Shae should lose all rights to her house and their other assets. Although her lawyer told her that they would have a much better chance of winning on appeal, Shae just couldn't take the fighting any more. She packed a couple of suitcases and left town. One of her few girl friends who was still talking to her gave her a ride into Charlotte where she caught a bus to Seattle.

Now that she was out of it Shae missed the shelter a little bit. While the women moved in and out, they all had something in common. She felt the support of a sisterhood that understood her and what she went through, at least up to the point of killing her husband. Shae couldn't share that part with them. She tried to keep it out of her own mind. Talking about it with anyone else was out of the question. Even when she woke up screaming in the middle of night, she only told the women who came to comfort her that she dreamed about her husband hurting her. But the dreams were always about that night.

Still Shae knew it was time to be on her own. Before she married Bob, Shae had a job in town as the assistant to the bank president. She had been good at it. The shelter had helped her get a series of temporary secretarial jobs. Each one had been successful and her temp agency found it easy to keep her employed. She had been able to save enough to put down first and last months' rent. And soon she was hopeful that she would be able to land a permanent job. She had applied for a position as a personal assistant at a marketing agency and she had a final interview in the morning. It seemed promising but she didn't want to get her hope up. So much in her life had been difficult that she tended to expect disappointment.

Shae shook her head trying to dispel the sudden gloomy thoughts. "Hey, someday things have to go my way. Tomorrow would be a good day to start." She grabbed her bags to go and unpack. It wouldn't take long and then she would go out and get some groceries to make some dinner. It was time to get started with living this new life.

In the morning Shae got ready for work. As she always did now, she dressed conservatively. She put on a blouse with long sleeves that she buttoned almost all the way up and a long skirt. While she put on some makeup, it was very subdued. She hoped that she looked professional enough. She checked the clock, wanting to make sure that she had enough time. Without a car, she relied on the buses. It worked but it wasn't always convenient. Checking to make sure her resume and recent job references were in her case, she headed out the door.

Her first interview was with Julia Tate, the HR manager of the marketing firm. She was a pleasant somewhat overweight woman and Shae enjoyed talking with her. Shae knew that the question about what she was doing before three months ago was going to come up. There was a large gap in her employment between the bank job and moving to Seattle. She thought about it a lot and felt like she needed to be honest. It wouldn't do any good to start a new job with a lie. So she was ready when Julia asked.

"Julia, I need to tell you something about me. I will leave it to you to decide what to do about it. If you think it is relevant to the others, then do what you need to do." Shae's voice was calm but a little bit of emotion bled through. Unable to guess what Shae was going to say, Julia just nodded.

"I left my last job because I got married. My husband wanted me to stay home and keep house. Since that was also the expectation of my family, his family and my friends, I did it. I thought I could be happy. Unfortunately it wasn't enough for him. He wasn't who I thought he was. He was cruel and violent. He hurt me, a lot. He broke my arm. He burnt me. And one night he hit and kicked me so hard that he did this." She touched her cheek. "He broke my nose and my arm again. I lost my baby. But even then he didn't stop. I thought he was going to kill me. When he broke down the door and came at me with a bat, I shot him. I killed him. That was a year ago. They said it was self-defense, but still it happened. " Shae wiped a single tear that rolled down her face. "Ms. Tate .... Julia, I have to live with it. It's ruined the life I had. I just hope that doesn't ruin the rest."

"Oh my God, Shae, you poor girl. I can't imagine what you've gone through. Let me think for a moment," Julia said. She swiveled her chair back and forth as she looked up at the ceiling. "Shae, I appreciate your honesty in telling me but I think that it isn't relevant to the job. You stopped working because you got married and now that you aren't, you are working again. And you were in a bad marriage. The other thing, no one needs to know about it unless you want to tell them." She reached out and patted Shae's hand. "And what is important is that you are qualified for the job. None of that changes it."

Although they were done, Julia gave Shae a few more moments to completely get her emotions under control. Then she walked Shae downstairs to meet with her prospective new boss. Greer Dunham was one of the partners in the firm. Her last assistant had been young and flighty. Her lack of responsibility proved to be a continual problem. In the end, Greer had no choice but to let her go. She was hoping that the next one would be reliable.

When Julia introduced Shae, there was something about her that impressed Greer despite her obvious youth. She seemed more serious than was typical, even though her resume was a little light. And she could tell that the interview with Julia had gone well. Julia had known Greer for years and what she wanted in an assistant. Greer couldn't blame her for the last one. It had been a very hectic time and Greer made the expeditious choice, over Julia's recommendation, just so that she had someone.

Once they were alone, Greer started going through Shae's resume, asking about the different things she had done. Shae impressed her with her quick answers that got to the heart of what she wanted to know. When she asked why Shae moved to Seattle, Shae explained that her marriage had been abusive and she wanted a fresh start.

"I would rather not talk about it, Ms. Dunham unless you really need me to," Shae said, hoping that Greer would let it go at that.